Today, I hit my target weight for the first time since high school. As a result, my girlfriend refuses to hook up with me, because her slutty cousins are now too interested in me, and she assumes I'm leading them on. I've never met them in person, because they live in Russia. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I've recently become serious about getting fit, and have lost nearly 84 pounds. Apparently, when I was fat, I made her look smaller in comparison. When I got slimmer, she insisted I either gain the weight back or she'd leave. So she did. FML
Today, I realized how fucked up the dating world is when I noticed girls wanting to be all over me once I lost 65 pounds. This girl who put me in the friendzone three years ago is now wanting to latch onto me. It makes me want to not try because apparently, love is conditional. I quit. FML
Today, after supporting my girlfriend for over a year in her endeavour to lose weight, exercise more, and eat better, my now-slender girlfriend dumped me, because she's found someone "better" than me. FML
Today, I saw a girl I haven't seen in 4 years. She used to like me back then. Since then I have lost 50 pounds, and never had the confidence to ask her out. She said I looked really sexy so I decided to ask her out on a date then and there. She said no, she only likes fat guys. FML
Today, I officially completed my weight loss journey, only for my wife, who'd previously threatened to divorce me if I didn't lose weight, to tell me that she realized she liked me better when I was fat and that "you don't know what you have until it's gone." FML
Today, I'm all alone for the holidays. The guy I was kicking it with ghosted me. I went to the guy I rejected for being too overweight for my taste, and not only has he lost weight, he now has a girlfriend. FML
Today, my girlfriend had a huge fight with me because while I'm trying to gain weight and she’s trying to lose some, I’ve still lost more weight than her. Not my fault my body’s natural preference is to drop pounds like they’re hot. FML
Today, I discovered that the upside of losing weight is that men have started hitting on me. The downside? They're all twice my age. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me because she got tired of me being thinner than her and, in her own words, making her look bad. FML
Today, I came to terms with the fact that in order to get a boyfriend, I need to slim down. When I put full-body shots on dating apps, I get swiped left on. But when I put headshots, I get matches. And lots of them. But I can’t catfish these dudes. Time to go on a diet and hit the gym. It’s not fair. FML
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Top comments
Yudith 28
Wear pro-Ukraine t-shirts. That should do it.
Earl_KarmasBitch 36
"If I don't sleep with him that will make it less likely he'll be interested in my slutty cousin" Great plan!
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Comments (5)
Yudith 28
Wear pro-Ukraine t-shirts. That should do it.
WhataStrangeTripThisIs 24
Most citizens in Russia are against the war, ya know. It's a long-going dictatorship and they don't have much choice in the whole thing.
arioch_fml 20
Yeah, but a lot of people elsewhere are stupid. So many places getting attacked or hated on for either being Russian or having Russian in the store's name regardless of how long they've lived in the city. So honestly the shirt would probably do the trick lol. Though..... she might start thinking you hate her and her family because of it.
Nikki 17
I think it was a joke
slhiggx 17
But they’re slutty. You sound horrible.
JackWood 21
So your girlfriend is Russian. That may explain things. There are a lot of greedy Rusky's around lately.
Earl_KarmasBitch 36
"If I don't sleep with him that will make it less likely he'll be interested in my slutty cousin" Great plan!
JBChristian 47
When things make no logical sense, there’s something that does make logical sense. When my girlfriend/wife had affairs that they were starting to get serious with outside of our relationship, they start acting like they’re too good for you and will blame you and tell you shit to make you insecure. Then you find out there was an affair and it makes sense.