Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend's sister tried to pull the dog jaw prank on me, accidentally biting my finger in the process. Now she's mad at me because her tooth got chipped when I pulled my hand back, completely disregarding the fact that my finger needed stitches from her bite. FML
Today, my girlfriend's needy five year-old tried to swing on my arm while I was cutting celery. I needed seven stitches. Later, my girlfriend complained that I should have cleaned up the blood because she's squeamish, and that I upset her son by yelling and cussing in pain. FML
Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML
Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML
Today, while making love to my wife, I felt adventurous and told her to hit me. She didn't so much as hesitate before savagely slapping me with her ring hand. Now I'm back home from the hospital, with stitches closing up a huge gash on my cheek. FML
Today, my quite squeamish girlfriend came with me to get my latest tattoo. She saw a few drops of blood, screamed in the tattooist's ear, and completely fucked up part of the outline. She had to alter the tattoo drastically to cover up the mess and now it just looks bad. FML
Today, I got bitten at work. Not by a patient's mouth, but by the false teeth they were holding in their hand as they clamped down on my arm. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got into a nasty fight. After a few hours, she wanted to give me a blowjob, so I thought we weren't mad at each other anymore. Turns out she was still mad because she bit my penis. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to break the news that she wanted us to be "just friends." However, she did it not in just any old way - while ice-skating. I'm currently in hospital getting stitches in my arm after I tripped in shock and she ran me over. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It was during a sex scene that intensified the moment. The same sex scene from which emerged a sudden jump-scare. I now have bite marks on my penis. FML
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Top comments
Lct1196 31
For the love of God, never 69.
Zelphoric 25
**** bitches, get stitches.
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Comments (111)
Zebediabolical 45
All I wanted for Christmas was a sweater. I got a screamer and moaner three way instead.
sailorarctic 22
she's a vampire. they can't control the urge to bite while in the throes of passion.
Zebediabolical 45
Wouldn't that just make her look constipated and sparkle a lot?
luk32 9
You deserved it. And you should be proud.
Shadow_King_X 5
that must be a-gnawing.......
Geckosrock99 33
I thought it said "bitcher" the first time I read it and had to read it again to get it right.
Section8_fml 13
That's actually awesome! Except the stitches part. Unless pain is your thing...
chucksfriday 21
Wear it like a badge!
xnox 6
Another one bites to dust
JKPwnage 27
Wow. I'm surprised nobody's made a Suarez joke yet.
pbrd 7
I'm sorry that's pretty funny. Hopefully this doesn't happen with me and my boyfriend because I like to bite.