Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend's sister tried to pull the dog jaw prank on me, accidentally biting my finger in the process. Now she's mad at me because her tooth got chipped when I pulled my hand back, completely disregarding the fact that my finger needed stitches from her bite. FML
Today, my girlfriend's needy five year-old tried to swing on my arm while I was cutting celery. I needed seven stitches. Later, my girlfriend complained that I should have cleaned up the blood because she's squeamish, and that I upset her son by yelling and cussing in pain. FML
Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML
Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML
Today, while making love to my wife, I felt adventurous and told her to hit me. She didn't so much as hesitate before savagely slapping me with her ring hand. Now I'm back home from the hospital, with stitches closing up a huge gash on my cheek. FML
Today, my quite squeamish girlfriend came with me to get my latest tattoo. She saw a few drops of blood, screamed in the tattooist's ear, and completely fucked up part of the outline. She had to alter the tattoo drastically to cover up the mess and now it just looks bad. FML
Today, I got bitten at work. Not by a patient's mouth, but by the false teeth they were holding in their hand as they clamped down on my arm. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got into a nasty fight. After a few hours, she wanted to give me a blowjob, so I thought we weren't mad at each other anymore. Turns out she was still mad because she bit my penis. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to break the news that she wanted us to be "just friends." However, she did it not in just any old way - while ice-skating. I'm currently in hospital getting stitches in my arm after I tripped in shock and she ran me over. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It was during a sex scene that intensified the moment. The same sex scene from which emerged a sudden jump-scare. I now have bite marks on my penis. FML
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Top comments
Lct1196 31
For the love of God, never 69.
Zelphoric 25
**** bitches, get stitches.
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Comments (111)
Cads1 24
Lucky it was only your arm.
Lct1196 31
For the love of God, never 69.
bryce0110 23
This is the first comment I've laughed at on FML
The_Avatar 22
Hey thats a compliment though! Clearly she enjoyed it!
wakemeupplease 21
ouch!!! that might be fun tho
catwomam 15
So, she's basically Edward Cullen.
dakatabg 31
You have a wild one
Wakachulak 22
That... sounds... painful
riffehunter 16
"I'm a piranha, they live in the Amazon"
Jennandco 25
Well that brings a new meaning to the phrase 'an animal in bed' Looks like you'll be frequenting the hospital quite a lot, good luck, OP
ILikeKoalas 24
I'm sure it's not intended this way, but this sounds slightly rapey
meghan7810 16
You, my dear, have apparently never tried biting someone during sex, especially in a situation where you have to be quiet. It is immensely satisfying and not "rapey" in the slightest.