Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my alarm went off. I reached to swat it, missed, slipped, smacked my face on my dresser, and fell on the floor. As I picked myself up off the floor, I hit my head on the open top drawer of my other dresser. In 30 seconds of consciousness, I was attacked by two pieces of furniture. FML
Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML
Today, I was awoken by my dad yelling into my ear. In shock, I jumped up off the couch, and came smashing down into the coffee table. FML
Today, in the middle of the night, I got up to go get some water. When I came back, I was going to flop onto my bed, but I faceplanted into my floor. I'd forgotten that I'd rearranged my room and moved my bed. FML
Today, I went on my porch for a late night cigarette. When I opened the door and took one step inside, all I remember is a big thud. I woke up 5 minutes later with my father over top of me saying, "Nice right hook, huh?" Then he chuckled. He thought I was a burglar and he knocked me out. FML
Today, at three in the morning, I rolled out of bed in my sleep, landing butt-first into my trash can and scraping my arm on my bedside table. I cleaned up the mess I'd made and tried to stop my arm from bleeding. During which, my dad banged on the door and told me to keep it down. FML
Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML
Today, my alarm went off at 6:30am. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year-old guy. FML
Today, while bringing my baby an early-morning bottle, I tripped over a ball and fell into the glass coffee table, smashing it and cutting myself pretty badly. My husband slept through the whole thing, but the neighbors came by to tell me to keep it down. FML
Today, I got up early to prank my family. I put a bucket of ice water on top of a door frame so whoever walked through would get an icy surprise. After I was done, I went back to bed. I woke up groggy and disoriented like always and walked right through the doorway I had rigged. FML
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Top comments
PSQ91 6
At least you know your home is safe.
Mirorbo 27
Thank your lucky stars you're not from Texas, darling. He would have shot you.
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Comments (82)
fthku 13
Yes, who does his daddy belong to?
athos1237 4
Well maybe if you thought of others instead of just yourself, you might have turned on a light and made less noise. Your dad had a legitimate reason for knocking your stupid ass out. Next time turn on a light and use caution. YDI.
fthku 13
Abusive parent in the making, everyone.
love_me_electric 20
Wouldn't turning on light be inconsiderate too? My parents always wake up if I turn on the light to go to the bathroom, so I just feel my way through the dark. Sudden light is worse than sudden noise, IMO.
zowieandzander77 1
39 do you and your parents share a room?
athos1237 4
Light tells me I can see who it is and I don't need to greet them with the 12 gauge. Unless you share a room with the parents you should be good. Go around bumping things in the dark will get you shot or knocked on your ass.
fthku 13
Yeah, cause sinks are in bedrooms right? what the hell does being in the same bedroom have to do with it? The way my house is built, for example, is so that if someone lights up the livingroomkitchen I can see it in my bedroom. So you'll just shoot anybody if it's dark and you can hear someone? Too bad for your family.
TheFlyingMan 8
Like a Boss.
Zebidee 9
It's a good thing your Dad didn't have a gun in the house.
ImaginaryFoe 1
Word for word what I was about to type, zeb.
girlinacity 0
OMG LMAO that's dad and hilarious
lukethe 0
Did you just use 'dad' as an adjective?
EmilyTheLost 0
oh shit, at least ur dads protective.
Zebidee 9
You spelled 'psychotic' wrong.
lukethe 0
Tough dad.
skyeyez9 25
If you know your house well, you realize where furniture, stairs and the corners of coffee tables are so you can avoid that shit even if you are super tired. You sound like a bull in a china cabinet crashing around your house at night. No wonder your dad mistook you for an intruder!
Iwalynwfy 0
lol
Lolzords 11
At least he didn't knock you out with his dick