My life is average

Today, I fell asleep while watching an action movie. My newly installed surround sound system scared me so bad that I fell off the couch and smashed my face on our coffee table. FML

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents, who I haven't known very long. I ended up falling asleep. That doesn't sound so bad, until I woke my drooling self up by snoring extremely loud. FML

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

Today, I fell asleep while watching a movie. My puppy took this opportunity to help himself to half a gallon of vegetable oil. FML

Night terrors

Today, I brutally stabbed a guy to death for smiling at me, then puked and fainted. Then I woke up in bed, panicking, sweating like a pig and crying because I thought my dream was real and I was going to go to prison. I'm never taking sleeping medication again. FML

Today, I went to watch a movie. In the middle of it, I accidentally fell asleep. Minutes later, I awoke on a stranger's shoulder. He was caressing my hair. FML

Panic in the sheets of Luton…

Today, I had a dream in which I was having a panic attack. When I woke up, I was actually having a panic attack. Double the fun. FML

Alexa, play "Mind Games" by John Lennon

Today, I woke up to the realization that I had slept through my alarm, missed a crucial work meeting, and dreamt that I was the CEO of a company that manufactured alarm clocks. I now fear that my subconscious is mocking me. FML

Today, I fell asleep after finishing my exam. I had a dream I was falling and woke up smashing my face on the desk. Everyone laughed. FML