Today, I tried baking my own bread to save food money. Unfortunately I screwed it up, prompting my wife to look at me pityingly and say "Wow, can't get even bread to rise." before walking out. I have erectile dysfunction, and she constantly insults me like this. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I tried making homemade bread, just for fun. My girlfriend started yelling that we had perfectly good bread from the store, "but noooo, my boyfriend just HAS to make his own bread!" She ended up ruining the experience, so I just threw the dough in the garbage and went to get drunk. FML
Today, my girlfriend referred to her yeast infection as "making bread." I can never look at bread the same way. FML
Today, I burned dinner because my girlfriend was yelling for me to help with a trivial problem. To salvage things, I ordered pizza. She spent the rest of the evening moaning that I ruined dinner, that we don't eat healthy, and that I "make us" waste money on food. FML
Today, I realized our life has been lacking in romance lately, so I got a card, a bunch of flowers, and made reservations at a lovely restaurant for a nice evening. When I got home and gave my wife the flowers, all she did was sigh and ask what I "fucked up this time." She also refused to go to dinner. FML
Today, my boyfriend, who is a great cook, decided to try his hand at baking. The cookies he made looked weird but tasted good. I jokingly said, "They taste great, but they look awful!" He responded by saying, "I could say the same thing about you." FML
Today, my girlfriend viciously chewed me out for not taking a sandwich to work to save money. I don't have a problem with packing lunches, but the store-brand white bread she insists on buying is disgusting. She won't listen to me, and refuses to let me buy anything else. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight after the gym. Then, a cheesecake I'd baked for a client cracked all the way through. Then, my oven broke as I was trying to make a new one, so I left to bake it at a friend's house, at which point I locked my keys and all of my supplies inside my car. FML
Today, as I watched my boyfriend bake cookies, I said he was "domesticated." He looked at me like I'd just pissed on his mother's grave and has been cold and distant all evening. What the fuck? It's a compliment, you dick. FML
Today, I baked my boyfriend his favorite cookies for his birthday. Well, I tried. I followed the recipe, but they somehow turned out diamond hard. When he tried to bite into one, he chipped a tooth. Instead of being mad, he laughed and said, “At least you tried.” Now I’m stuck with inedible cookies and a dentist's bill. FML
Today, I cooked dinner for my boyfriend, hoping to impress him with my culinary skills. I burnt the garlic bread, overcooked the chicken, and managed to set off the smoke alarm three times. When I finally served the meal, my boyfriend said, "It's like a sad buffet at a middle school prom." FML
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Top comments
Astrum14 24
You should inform her that there is a major psychological aspect to erectile dysfunction. If you're constantly worried about getting it up, you'll have a more difficult time getting it up. Comments like that will just make it worse.
annoyed146578 12
Maybe it's time to get a new wife!!
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Comments (132)
Matheo_fml 21
YDI for not leaving her...
lina21 12
Why is she still your wife?
itcomesinthrees 10
Maybe it's her bitchy attitude that is causing you to lose your erection.
martin8337 36
Oh, please, stay by me, viagra.
crandel 11
Time to file for divorce. Getting rid of her will save you some money too, probably.
iwadasn 33
In sounds like you're reading a little too much into things.
Queen_of_Night 20
You shouldn't have to take that OP if you don't think it's funny. You need to talk to her and tell her to knock it off. It's not funny and it hurts. If she continues you need to find a marriage counselor, or a divorce lawyer.
nohalo91 13
My husband has this problem too and I hate it because he never even tries anymore.
Timothy469_fml 6
I wouldn't want to use it with her if it were hard. That is unacceptable abuse. Therapy time, perhaps?
rojita369 17
Wow. Your wife's a cow.