Today, I tried baking my own bread to save food money. Unfortunately I screwed it up, prompting my wife to look at me pityingly and say "Wow, can't get even bread to rise." before walking out. I have erectile dysfunction, and she constantly insults me like this. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I tried making homemade bread, just for fun. My girlfriend started yelling that we had perfectly good bread from the store, "but noooo, my boyfriend just HAS to make his own bread!" She ended up ruining the experience, so I just threw the dough in the garbage and went to get drunk. FML
Today, my girlfriend referred to her yeast infection as "making bread." I can never look at bread the same way. FML
Today, I burned dinner because my girlfriend was yelling for me to help with a trivial problem. To salvage things, I ordered pizza. She spent the rest of the evening moaning that I ruined dinner, that we don't eat healthy, and that I "make us" waste money on food. FML
Today, I realized our life has been lacking in romance lately, so I got a card, a bunch of flowers, and made reservations at a lovely restaurant for a nice evening. When I got home and gave my wife the flowers, all she did was sigh and ask what I "fucked up this time." She also refused to go to dinner. FML
Today, my boyfriend, who is a great cook, decided to try his hand at baking. The cookies he made looked weird but tasted good. I jokingly said, "They taste great, but they look awful!" He responded by saying, "I could say the same thing about you." FML
Today, my girlfriend viciously chewed me out for not taking a sandwich to work to save money. I don't have a problem with packing lunches, but the store-brand white bread she insists on buying is disgusting. She won't listen to me, and refuses to let me buy anything else. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight after the gym. Then, a cheesecake I'd baked for a client cracked all the way through. Then, my oven broke as I was trying to make a new one, so I left to bake it at a friend's house, at which point I locked my keys and all of my supplies inside my car. FML
Today, as I watched my boyfriend bake cookies, I said he was "domesticated." He looked at me like I'd just pissed on his mother's grave and has been cold and distant all evening. What the fuck? It's a compliment, you dick. FML
Today, I baked my boyfriend his favorite cookies for his birthday. Well, I tried. I followed the recipe, but they somehow turned out diamond hard. When he tried to bite into one, he chipped a tooth. Instead of being mad, he laughed and said, “At least you tried.” Now I’m stuck with inedible cookies and a dentist's bill. FML
Today, I cooked dinner for my boyfriend, hoping to impress him with my culinary skills. I burnt the garlic bread, overcooked the chicken, and managed to set off the smoke alarm three times. When I finally served the meal, my boyfriend said, "It's like a sad buffet at a middle school prom." FML
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Top comments
Astrum14 24
You should inform her that there is a major psychological aspect to erectile dysfunction. If you're constantly worried about getting it up, you'll have a more difficult time getting it up. Comments like that will just make it worse.
annoyed146578 12
Maybe it's time to get a new wife!!
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Comments (132)
ShenaniganNinja 20
Next time you should insult her for something beyond her control. Maybe her **** are too small/big. Maybe she has messed up teeth or crappy hair. Maybe she walks like a linebacker. Either way, when she gets mad at you for the insult, you should say "yeah it's mean to criticize someone for something beyond their control."
exoticwaved 9
If you invest in stocks hopefully they rose. Then you can take a long lengthy vacation without her.
roseursostupid 1
Wow that is messed up
Gillett 23
you should have told her that it's her fault. apparently she couldn't excite horny teenagers!
SmellingtheRoses 5
what a bitch
Corneliapresent 13
That's very rude and mean of your wife. I wonder how the rest of your relation is with her, I mean is there enough positive to weigh up against negative stuff like that??? I would definitely consider marriage counseling .... I hope it all works out OP
shelly1927 20
divorce her sorry ass and find someone who appreciates you for you :)
imhope 23
Ouch. Tough blow man haha
nyvine 6
Yo, your wife is kind of a bitch. You tried to save money. You tried to make BREAD. Only badass people who are down to sacrifice some blood sweat and tears are willing to make bread. **** her, time for a new woman.?
Tyrax 16
Leave the bitch. Unless you're into that. Which if you were, it wouldn't be an FML. So, again, leave the bitch.