Today, I had to turn down an offer of what seemed like some sexy time with a cute girl because my intestines were bursting with an intense desire to unleash molten lava. I rushed home to squat down, only to let out a disappointingly small piece of crud and a tiny fart. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I thought I was going to shit myself at work. I speed-walked all the way to the bathroom clenching for dear life. Barely got my pants down while simultaneously sitting and unleashing. After all that, it was just a gigantic fart. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML
Today, I had to shit worse than I thought possible at work. I left my desk and hurried towards the bathroom, dropping trou as soon as the door closed. I then tripped over my pant leg, hit my head on the toilet, and came to some minutes later with my ass spewing diarrhea like a volcano. FML
Today, I tried to let out a small fart in a crowded restaurant. I had diarrhea. I walked past several families to get to the bathroom and clean myself up, only to still go home with a huge wet spot down my ass. My shirt wasn't long enough to hide it. FML
Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML
Today, I went to the restroom to pee. A loud fart exploded out of my ass and echoed in the toilet bowl. I could practically feel my face on fire when I saw the horrified look on a little girl's face as I walked out. FML
Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML
Today, I had some pretty bad stomach pain, so I went to the bathroom. After a few minutes, two girls walked in, taking stalls next to me. That's when my farts began to get very large and explosive. Not only did they break into laughter, they waited for me to come out. FML
Today, I was outside when I was suddenly overcome by an intense need to shit. The back door was locked, so I tried to run to the front, but couldn't make it. As I squatted in the bushes, my girlfriend came home unexpectedly. She screamed and called me a sick, disgusting freak. FML
Today, in the middle of sex, I was desperate for a fart but tried to hold it in so we weren't forced to stop halfway. Unfortunately, I accidentally let the fart escape, along with runny diarrhea, all over my husband's legs and groin. The smell caused him to vomit all over me. FML
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Top comments
tnttse 6
Cockblocked by your shit. Classic.
CessOMG 3
I freaking hate it when that happens. FYL.
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Comments (128)
perdix 31
Cute girls can't handle rejection. Your inadvertent blow-off has sent her world spinning out of control. You probably own her now.
Airman1988 9
That depends on his definition of cute, but I agree the girls that know they are attractive and get constant male attention can't fathom being ignored.
perdix 31
I once swapped numbers with a very pretty girl at a party, but coincidentally came down with mono before I had a chance to call her. A few weeks later, she called me and I had the upper hand in that relationship. That was rare, I wish I could have replicated that success.
YoungMisfit 9
A moment of silence for all the bros who have been **** blocked by there own body.
anniekins 6
GO BACK AND HAVE THAT SEXY TIME.
every1luvsboners 11
I used to pay a guy to shat on my glass coffee table while I laid under it enjoying the glorious view. I could use someone like you a couple days a week.
botanistjessica 24
I just threw up a little.
dhooks111490 8
Da ***** wrong with you!?
unknown_user5566 27
30- Maybe Boners is into throw up on his glass coffee table, too. Shoot him a PM and you two could end up with a magical night filled with bodily fluids.
jetsown08 21
I was about to say "What the ****?", but the I looked at the poster and saw it was Boners, so I passed it off as a typical comment.
Pandacupcakelove 26
Your picture is giving me a headache :/
tobedd 13
Oh the hot Carl
kcircuses2 4
64-you mean a glass bottom boat
mykalt18 2
I'm going to say this to the next person I hear taking a crap in a public bathroom.
andrewcollins 8
Sorry OP go back and ask if she wants to come over to your place
greenie213 23
Your guts were telling you something.
unknown_user5566 27
Hopefully you at least got her phone number. Take some Beano, give her a call, and try again!
perdix 31
I'd think he'd be better off with laxatives to clear out the logjam, and then refraining from gorging himself on bacteria-laden slop at the local buffets, and THEN, giving her a call.
perdix 31
Never trust an asshole. They'll start spreading shit at the most inopportune times.
perdix 31
Here, take my sunglasses. Lower them and say something about "a shitty situation." Thanks, you have performed a ritual that will allow this FML to be complete.
SenselessPattern 12
Damn Perdix, 4 completely separate comments on 1 story about a guy's shit shenanigans? Interesting....
kewlkate 9
And now that you've commented four times... Your life is complete :)
perdix 31
#52. Yeah, I noticed that, too. Dafuq* is wrong with me? YOLO**! *as the cool kids are saying these days. ** as the kids who are getting beaten up for their lunch money and funny haircuts are saying thses days.
Calyx_fml 22
Thats why Perdix is at 13000+ comments.
Dixbfloppin 11
I'm glad I read your comment instead of another one of those "omg wat a shity situashon see its funk bcoz op shit himsalf i hope people tumb my cument up lol xDD" comments.
MexicanGinger 5
Maybe you're lactose intolerant? I get that feeling all the time when I drink regular milk and not the Silk milk /: