Today, I was at the laundromat when a huge, tattoo-covered man wearing nothing but denim booty shorts and a wife-beater sat down beside me. He stared at me for a while, before telling me all about how I reminded him of his "first prison bitch." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while at the gym, a very large man walked over to me and said, "I like wearing all orange to the gym." Not wanting to be rude, I asked why. He looks me up and down and said, "It reminds me of prison." I think I'm going to be jumped. FML
Today, I was at the laundromat, when an attractive girl set up at the machine next to mine. She looked me up and down, then noticed the skid-marks on my underwear. FML
Today, I saw a hot guy at the laundromat. Wanting an excuse to talk to him, I tossed a pair of my red underwear into his washer. What I didn't realize was that he was washing his whites. Thanks to me, he now has an entire load of pink shirts and boxers. FML
Today, I hooked up with this man for the first time. He takes his shirt off and has a chestful of black hair. He had his name shaved into it. FML
Today, the same day I decided to stubbornly go commando because my lazy boyfriend hasn’t taken his turn to do our laundry in 4 days was also the day I split my shorts squatting down to pick up my bag at the bus stop. Ten strangers saw my bare asscrack, and two teenagers started cat calling me for my butt tattoo. FML
Today, at the gym, a very attractive lady was working out in front of me, wearing tiny shorts that left zero to the imagination. I kept trying to avert my gaze, until her extremely buff boyfriend came over and threatened me. My crime? I wasn’t checking out his girl enough. FML
Today, I was at a bar. A fat guy looks at me for a while and sits down next to me. He turns and I expect that he'll hit on me. He then buttons down his shirt, presses his man boobs together and say to his friends “Look, I’ve got bigger tits than than the girl next to me!" His friends agreed. FML
Today, I did my laundry at a laundromat. When I came back to get my clothes, I found an elderly man wearing my favorite Joy Division t-shirt, and he refused to give it back because he said it was his. I spent a few minutes arguing with him, before realizing I had grabbed someone else's clothes too. FML
Today, I went to do laundry in my apartment building. I thought no one was around, so I walked down in my pajamas (a giant t-shirt with holes and socks with sandals). Of course, I ran into the neighbor I’ve had a crush on for months. He was shirtless, holding a laundry basket like an ad for cologne. He smiled and said, “Nice, erm, outfit?” I’ve never sprinted back upstairs faster. FML
Today, I was in a restroom sitting on the toilet, when the guy right next to me noticed my AC/DC boxers around my ankles and started to sing "Back in Black." FML
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Top comments
Dweron93 5
Don't drop the soap
ImTheAlpha 30
One of my exes was made into a prison bitch... NOT a pleasant experience.
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Comments (115)
moodi_fml 0
Thats creepy!! And dangerous too
chelseaaababyyy 17
'Cause you're my prison bitch, my prison bitch, and you're a sex machine, I only have one request: how bout some vaseline.'
stud68Camaro 0
What's up
THE_A_TEEN 28
FML is not a dating site.
oliversutton 9
Good one
Ray_of_midnight 23
I always feel bad for laughing at that song. :-/
BeaterOfTheDrums 15
I thought it was: " I'm your prison bitch, your prison bitch, and you're a sex machine"?
cropper 0
Time to buy a washer and dryer. No matter what they cost.
greylady410 3
Agreed!
perdix 31
Did you get to toss his salad? And how many prison bitches did he have? I guess a boy always has a special place in his heart for his very first prison bitch <3
Demonfish 14
The fellow clearly has an interesting choice of pick up lines...
aznbiznitch666 4
Ya know for all we know, "the special place in his heart" for a boy was why he was in prison in the first place..
XxUNBROKENxX 7
Ah I remember my first prison bitch.....
calilovergirl 4
Blow up dolls while you are grounded doesn't count. Sorry!
thatoneguy79 10
25) Now I have to go back and recount. Thanx.
reddudeover 2
You always remember your first. I remember you being so sweet. Mmmmm
xblair 11
Now is the perfect time to be a ninja
ICastillo 25
You should of kicked his ass man.
nofearjenshere 12
But then the guy might have responded by doing something else to OP's ass.
ICastillo 25
As long as he doesn't bend over he has nothing to worry about.
nofearjenshere 12
You changed your picture! Haha.
ICastillo 25
Ya I did I wanted to show my dog haha
lucy_lue 9
*should have. That's one of the few grammatical errors that really bothers me.
limblessorphan 4
She is your bitch?
Trisha_aus 15
Awe...that's sweet..in a very creepy serial killer way..start chatting...or just run away?
jaredofmo 22
I do hope you politely declined.
maxisis_fml 6
Ummmmmm.... I hope you found an excuse to leave