Today, my father had a dream that he'd lost me forever, and the pain was so unbearable, it woke him up. Turns out, the pain he was experiencing was just his bowels and he really needed to take a shit. This is the most affection I've ever received from my father. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after spending five years regaining contact with my estranged father, I finally met him. I tearfully dropped my luggage and ran to hug him. He belched and told me to get in the car, because he had diarrhea. FML
Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML
Today, I had a dream that I was having one of the best poops of my life. I woke up feeling very content and relaxed, until I rolled over and realised it wasn't a dream. FML
Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find my dad passed out on the floor with his pants around his ankles. FML
Today, I had a dream I saw my dad. I tried to talk to him, but then I woke up. He died last Monday. FML
Today, I went into the bathroom only to discover my dad on the pot. “Oh, sorry”, I say and turn to leave. His reply, “Oh I don’t mind. Just having a shit here.” FML
Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom, only to find my dad sitting on the toilet, blind drunk. He screamed "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" at me. I just wanted to shave. FML
Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML
Today, I was taking a dump, when my dad shouted for me to go wash the dishes. Fed up with his constant shit, I told him to bite me. He took this as an invitation to wedge the bathroom door shut for nearly two hours, despite all my pleas and apologies. FML
Today, I witnessed my dad spreading his ass cheeks to show my mom the rashes his hemorrhoids are giving him. FML
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Top comments
DocBastard 40
I hear the pain of passing a kidney stone is equivalent to the pain of childbirth. Apparently the sensation of losing you is as satisfying as that of taking a really good dump.
DocBastard 40
Please allow me to quote from muffpuncher's profile: "I love to piss people off it brings joy to my existence." If you so enjoy insulting 4 year old girls, I'm sure there's a playground or primary school near your home. But I'm sure you'll have a good cry knowing that you didn't piss me off. Begone.
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Comments (79)
FastLikeATree 0
ahahahaha sounds like some shit my dad would say 'cept he loves me hahahahaha.
evilhobbitofdoom 4
The subconscious dreams manifest fears in response to real physical pain. He does love you, he just can't express it in a good manner. And I'm surprised no one has grammar nazi'd this yet: Bowels, not bowel. It's only bowel if it's a bowel movement.
sonic_boom 0
ydi for being a pussy
jayrub 0
Cry a little louder. If you want "affection" then go to your mom. Fathers are there strictly to toughen your ass up. Obviously, he didn't do that well of a job because your pussy is hanging out of your panties. Be thankful that he even dreamt of you. YDI for whining :)
Punkpoptart1119 20
You are a douchebag. Some dads, like mine, are never affectionate and so you end up wanting affection from them. And, the purpose of this site is to whine and try to get sympathy from others..so think before you make yourself look like an ass. =)
Punkpoptart1119 20
You are a douchebag. Some dads, like mine, are never affectionate and so you end up wanting affection from them. And, the purpose of this site is to whine and try to get sympathy from others..so think before you make yourself look like an ass. =)
allapologiesmygi_fml_fml 4
not even an "Your alright I guess if you just stay the f**k off my lawn".
DropTheDaggerxx 31
Hah.
zanguard 0
It seems your father doesn't give a shit about you.
frear 0
PITA
Bekll 31
OP, I think it's really childish to talk about your father using the word sh*t.
Bekll 31
That's should HAVE, not should of. The way you phrased it is nonsensical.