Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice in my apartment, followed by a thud. I walked out to find a drunk girl I've never met collapsed in my doorway. After puking all over the place, she had me call her father, who picked her up 10 minutes later. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I heard a knock on my door and, thinking it was my student adviser, opened it. I was greeted by a drunk girl, who pushed her way into my dorm room, informed me that she lived here last year, and then told me that she lost her virginity in my bed. FML
Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML
Today, my mom came home, shitfaced drunk. She thought I was my dad and gave me a forceful kiss, with a lot of tongue. She then pulled away, stared at me, screamed in horror, and spewed all over me. I puked too. FML
Today, a friend of mine got a bit drunk, but said she was fine and didn't feel drunk at all. I took her keys anyway and said she could sleep on my bed, while I slept on the floor next to the bed. I was rudely woken up in the middle of the night to her rolling over and vomiting on my face. FML
Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML
Today, I met a really nice girl at a club. One thing led to another, and she told me to meet her out front in 5 minutes. I was so drunk that I stumbled into the restroom instead, then curled up on the floor crying in despair when I realized my mistake. FML
Today, my drunk sister threw up on me while I was sleeping. FML
Today, I was woken up by my drunk girlfriend calling me and saying how much she loves me. She then stopped to tell the guy she was in bed with to be quiet because I might hear him. FML
Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend had said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth, and laughed before she passed out. FML
Today, I arrived in my dorm at 3 am to find my roommate passed out and a nauseating stench. While I was gone, he got drunk and puked all over the walls, carpet, and both beds. His inebriated attempt to clean up the mess consisted of smearing his vomit everywhere with my shower robe. FML
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Top comments
W76 0
You not lock your apartment?
LilaBear 2
I second, third, fourth, and tenth everybody who's already asked why your door wasn't locked.
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Comments (46)
schwinn11 0
If that would've bee my place, she would've been the one with fml! "today I woke up in a strangers apartment get'n my brains screwed out"
blazingman311 1
my bad
perdix 31
In theory, ******* her would have been a great idea, but if you've ever been with a girl that has just puked, you'd realize that it is almost impossible. There's something about that vomit smell that just kills the boner. Even if you are 20 and hard up for sex. Pro tip: If you are playing quarters with a girl you want to make out with, don't beat her so badly that she pukes.
Stephie_fml 0
Uhh, lock your door??
Kervik 0
Congratulations, your door-locking ability is about to be ridiculed.
happyhak 5
To all you people saying lock your door to the OP, you need to read the FML more properly. "...followed by a thud." This could mean she ran into the door breaking and ramming it down. This CAN hapeen even when the door is locked to the highest of security means. Seriously -.- But FYL, OP. I hope you sued her or something.
Kervik 0
Hey, don't say I didn't read the comment: "I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice IN my apartment FOLLOWED by a thud." That means she did not fall on the door, it means she was already in the apartment, before supposedly falling over or something. Therefore, him not locking his door is a perfectly logical assumption as to how the girl got in.
LoHo14 0
YDI for not locking your door.
LoHo14 0
if YOU read it, #19, it said she'd collapsed...which would have been what the thud was. Also, more properly? Learn English, please.
elparto 0
so what's the fml here? "i had to clean up puke." "her dad punched me thinking that i'd done this." "i'm regretting that I'm such a respectable guy and didn't take advantage of her." which is it?
BritishHobo 0
I hadd to clean up puke, I guess. Still, he got a funny story out of it.
paladininwaiting 1
only in Michigan