Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently duplicated my keys before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering, “He looks like Jesus.” FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I woke up to my psycho roommate trying to baptize me in my sleep. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML
Today, I woke up at my crazy ex-girlfriend's house, naked and disoriented. You know, the kind of crazy like we-didn't-break-up-it-was-just-a-fight now-we-can-get-married crazy. She says everything's fine now and she's so glad we've "started our family." FML
Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, I was woken up by my drunk girlfriend calling me and saying how much she loves me. She then stopped to tell the guy she was in bed with to be quiet because I might hear him. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML
Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but it wasn’t actually her. What happened last night? FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
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Top comments
Rebecca1993 0
._. boy do you know how to pick them.
xCrackerx 3
She sounds like a keeper. Always by your side, just like a dog. That's loyalty.
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Comments (156)
fawfulster 11
Do I smell a restraining order?
wh4t3v3R 0
And new locks plus a Doberman, because restraining orders are only good when you're awake.
PinkDahlia 0
Dude, punch that stalker in the lip until it's so swolen she can't talk anymore.
Broly_fml 0
Gief, Me Want her :O Dude if I woke up with a Ex ontop of me That would be my dream as long as she wasnt bout to keeel meeh
guy_on_the_couch 0
FYL? That's funny as hell! I woulda done her after too.
wtfninja 0
Lmao, "He looks like Jesus"? That's great. xD
muffinsareyummy 1
and you're not taking that as a compliment because?...
JustApollo 0
You should've played along with it, been like "Yes, I do look like Jesus... Because I AM Jesus and you've been a very bad girl, (insert name here). I want you to leave now, don't make me angry or I may smite you. Go home and wait for the nice men in Blue Suits with shiny badges to take you to a better place." When she leaves which she would do because she is probably a schizophrenic I would call the police. :) But that's just me.
Ninjaface 0
You should have banged her... upside the head with the nearest heavy object.
emopunk666 0
kinda creepy but i would banged her then kicked her out again
nvenomous 0
LMAO.