Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently duplicated my keys before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering, “He looks like Jesus.” FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I woke up to my psycho roommate trying to baptize me in my sleep. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML
Today, I woke up at my crazy ex-girlfriend's house, naked and disoriented. You know, the kind of crazy like we-didn't-break-up-it-was-just-a-fight now-we-can-get-married crazy. She says everything's fine now and she's so glad we've "started our family." FML
Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, I was woken up by my drunk girlfriend calling me and saying how much she loves me. She then stopped to tell the guy she was in bed with to be quiet because I might hear him. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML
Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but it wasn’t actually her. What happened last night? FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
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Top comments
Rebecca1993 0
._. boy do you know how to pick them.
xCrackerx 3
She sounds like a keeper. Always by your side, just like a dog. That's loyalty.
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Comments (156)
M13LO 0
you should have got busy since she was already there
powersmoke 0
You banged her afterwards, right?
keenanherlihy 0
i woulda
im_asian 0
i wouldnt. craziness is a turn off for me. unless shes got some epic ****.
czarofandronia 0
LMFAO U should get a restraining order on that chick
Quinzel_fml 0
i agree
Bcfrmkc816 17
why if a guy does something like that he is a creeper or perv but it's perfectly ok for a bitch to do it?
kerrygirl 13
furstttt
Rebecca1993 0
._. boy do you know how to pick them.
jessxoxo28 5
lmao, agreed
DizzyVulps 0
scary ._.
yes_im_hater 0
are you jesus? do you happen to work at a Record and Tape Traders?
greenltrn2003 0
well...of course. the bird is the word
quotecentral 0
LMFAO, thats what i was thinking : )
JustAReaderOfFml 4
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
ok so is this a fml coz the guy/op whatevs looks lyk jesus? coz srsly thats not bad. and clearly she was in2 it if she was on top of him. lol. kind of reminds me of this thing that happened to a fren of mine tho. creepy story: ok so my fren was lving with this guy called micah, and they were totes in2 each other and than she killed him co she was a demon. srsly. havmt seen her since... so creepy...... :S
KingAfter 0
of course it's an FML, I mean I guess he had a reason to break up with her and doesn't wanna have a relationship with her anymore, while she crazily does. but the really bad part about this is that she has a key... that's pretty creepy. if he does something she doesn't like she can sneak into his apartment and mess it up. you should've seen the crazy eyes though, so YDI! j/k FYL.
catastrophicsock 0
Hi. Please learn English/learn how to type. Thanks.
guy_whos_sad 0
Learn how to spell out words........
mrlucky4444 0
#5- first of all, learn how to spell secondly, your story did not happen to your friend, you took it straight from the movie Paranormal Activity
azhein 0
number 5 do you seriously think that was the fml?
lagodfatha 0
um I don't understand ur story at all u confused the hell outta me
Daemonknight 0
5, please stfu and get off the internet
Yaggi 0
#5 what you're referring to is the movie called paranormal activity.
kittydidit 0
LOL
Juliaa15 6
I'd have to agree with 111. The use of "totes" not only made me want to give a courtesy chuckle, but it totes wanted me to join in and troll too.
ArielTheMermaid 17
yeah I knew where it was going when he said micah
Bizenghastly 0
5- O_O I sincerely hope you are not as pathetically retarded in real life.
tifani322 13
Nobody cares...?
Hershey903 5
I really just wanna take your keyboard and hit you in the urethra with it. That'll teach you to spell.
kdog333 1
WTF?!
mahna_fml 3
Lulz Paranormal Activity.
flgirlwguitar 2
Shoulda changed the lock.
watchasay71 4
LOL it's funny yet disturbing at the same time.
xCrackerx 3
She sounds like a keeper. Always by your side, just like a dog. That's loyalty.
Rebecca1993 0
Lmfao.
jake040 3
dogs can't make sandwiches though
jake040 3
dogs can't make sandwiches though
sacman 0
what the christ?
Tigg3r 3
pun intended?
snafu57 1
does she look like Meryl Streep? fatal attraction if I ever heard one. she isn't afraid of commitment, though. that's a plus
waterynuggets 0
Nah I think it would help more if she resembled Glenn Close.