Today, my girlfriend has been randomly screaming out, “Coronavirus! Hehehe!” in a scarily accurate Cardi B impression. She’s been doing it for days and refuses to stop. I’m starting to think facing the damn virus might be less annoying at this point. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my germophobic girlfriend has tested positive for Covid, and is utterly convinced she's going to die. She's been crying in the bed for the last five hours, talking about how much she regrets her choices, and how she never should have spent her last year with me. FML
Today, I woke up to a text from my girlfriend telling me to call when I wake up. Turns out she had one of her friends over who tested positive for Covid and I was just at her house, so now I’m forced to quarantine. FML
Today, my girlfriend has been playing SZA’s "Kill Bill" on repeat all day. I’m starting to get genuinely scared. FML
Today, I overheard my mom on the phone ranting about how China "engineered and released" the coronavirus and the giant hornets in an attempt to take over the world. Only one more month of quarantine left. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Then my COVID test came back as positive. FML
Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML
Today, I woke up with a fever, headache and sore throat. All the symptoms of Covid-19. I told my husband, whose responded with, "Sack up and get over yourself." FML
Today, an angry customer rubbed her hand all over my face, all while showing me her positive COVID-19 test results. FML
Today, my girlfriend texted me to pick her up some medicine because she’s "all plugged up." When I arrived with laxatives, she yelled at me. She meant her sinuses. FML
Today, my mother is acting pissy because I poured my drink out on our front lawn. Apparently, this was, "ridiculous and embarrassing." Meanwhile, COVID is surging and it looks like I'll be quarantining with her. Kill me. FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
You might want to social distance from her until this disease passes. By this disease, I mean coronavirus or Cardi B infarction, whichever comes last.
Lennie Mcfish 19
dude I feel so sorry for you
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Comments (3)
Lennie Mcfish 19
dude I feel so sorry for you
sickerthanyou 13
At least she isn’t a stripper robbing johns
RichardPencil 32
You might want to social distance from her until this disease passes. By this disease, I mean coronavirus or Cardi B infarction, whichever comes last.