Today, the colleague who I’ve been secretly fucking told me she was pregnant. She’d lied about being on birth control. She’s mad at me because I told her to get rid of it and is giving me the silent treatment. You know who else is gonna be mad? My wife. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, a girl I’ve been fucking told me she’s pregnant after she told me she took the pill. What she really meant was, “Oh, that pill? That was Advil ‘cause I get headaches.” The bitch knows I have a wife and kids. She callously said, “Should've been more specific.” She can’t understand why I’m freaking out. FML
Today, my pregnant wife has been crying for hours after she found out that I’d slept with the woman who does her ultrasounds. That woman happened to have been my prom date nearly 20 years ago and I had no idea she moved back in town, let alone worked for our doctor. FML
Today, my coworker is two months pregnant. I used condoms with her every time, so I’m not sure how the fuck it happened. I’m the only man she’s been with. I tried to give her money for an abortion but she insists on keeping it. She knows damn well I have a real wife and kids, and I can’t afford to lose them. FML
Today, after screaming at me this morning, my wife has been giving me the silent treatment. We're trying to get pregnant, but she caught me masturbating, or "reducing my sperm count on purpose" as she called it. I just wanted some harmless fun with some porn, since getting pregnant has made actual sex a chore. FML
Today, my wife of one week changed locks of the house and put my stuff outside. A letter addressed to “Elizabeth” had arrived in the mail. She thinks it’s my “secret side wife” and that I’m cheating. She was actually the previous owner of the house. My wife told me to, “Tell that lie to someone else.” FML
Today, I got mad at my wife for giving her male coworker a ride home. I know nothing went on with them because I tracked her phone, I’m mad that he offered her a job in the business he’s starting, because she’ll be making a LOT more money than me. FML
Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who's been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML
Today, my wife revealed to me that the doctor at the fertility clinic where we stored embryos is her ex-boyfriend. She’s now furious that I don’t trust that our freezer babies are mine. FML
Today, I had the abortion my husband and I agreed on, after multiple forms of birth control failed. His family somehow found out, and now they're all mad at us for not telling them I was ever pregnant, with a child we never wanted, and took precautions to avoid creating. FML
Today, I convinced my daughter to tell my wife that the coworker she’s been getting a bit too close to lately touched her inappropriately so she’d stop interacting with him. After arguing and confrontation between the four of us, my daughter threw me under the bus and told them the truth. Now they’re all mad at me. FML
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Top comments
vchan 20
Means you didn’t use protection. So not only did you cheat, but you played with your wife’s health. Double FML for your wife.
Anderling 33
Want to know a life hack for not making your wife mad at you for cheating? Keep it in your pants and don’t cheat, asshat.
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Comments (15)
DanielleinDC 34
I was ready to be a tiny bit sympathetic until you mentioned your wife. So not only were you cheating on your wife, you weren't using protection, which you should always do, even if your partner claims she's on birth control. YDI.
poopface82 25
I’m curious, what was your end game here? There’s no good ending to cheating on your wife.
didwejustbecomeBF 1
this reminds me of the bday party scene in City Slickers.
Taurus_ChicKa 37
NEVER believe a woman when she says she's on birth control. This coming from a woman. You should have worn a condom. But actually, no, you should have not slept with someone else when you're married. I hope the wife divorces you and takes everything from you, and I hope your side chick keeps the kid and sues you for child support.