Nearly FMLs

Today, we're right now at the police station because the iPhone 12 I bought to my father as a present was stolen by some piece o' shit. Needless to say, I bought it three hours ago. FML

Today I was at Walmart with my friend and she gave me a wedgie infront of a bunch of people. FML.

Today, I found out that the person who stole $125,000 from our grandmother won’t be charged with anything and they won’t tell us why. FML

Today I realized. I'm a human calculator. What do I calculate? I calculate every single text before typing it, while typing it and for hours after typing it. Even the simplest text I feel will offend people. For no reason. FML

Today, I got hot oil in my eye while cooking bacon. I wear glasses. This is not the first time this has happened. FML

Today, my mother called the police on my five year old daughter for drawing on a one dollar bill. FML

Today, I got a call from my son’s school. Apparently he decided it would be appropriate to say the words “Don’t say fuck” in the middle of class. For no reason. FML

Today, at 1:30 in the morning, I was trying to charge my phone and it wouldn't charge, so I tried every charger in the house. When that didn't work, I turned my phone off and went to bed. Five minutes later, I got back up to try something else and realized I didn't have the power point switched on. FML

Today, my ex tagged his new wife in a Mother’s Day post with their newborn son. We broke up 2 years ago because he “didn’t believe in marriage and having children.” FML

Today, it was my little brother’s high school graduation. My parents got him a brand new car. My high school graduation was two years ago and my parents didn’t get me a brand new car because they “couldn’t afford to.” FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that if he could, he would change “pretty much everything” about my bone structure. His friends and my own mother all nodded in agreement. FML

Today, my extended family expect me to send them Covid relief funds and vaccines, just because I'm British Indian with a job. FML

Today, there was nowhere in the house where I could eat without being stared at, so I decided to eat outside as having someone watch me eat is just as embarrassing as someone watching me go to the bathroom. Guess who decided to watch through the blinds. FML

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Why? Because he caught me putting on deodorant, on a cold day, when I’m not exercising or doing anything strenuous. I need it regardless. FML

Today, it’s day five of excruciating arm pain from my covid vaccine, and the pain has only gotten worse. If I go for a week without lifting weights, my depression kicks in and I become suicidal. FML

Today, I took a nice big smelly shit. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. No one bothered to tell me the water was out. I live in a house with 5 other people. FML

Today, I was eating an oatmeal cream pie. I offered one to my crush, saying, "Do you want a cream pie?" Her look of horror made me realize exactly what I'd said. FML

Today, I was punished for leaving the front door unlocked overnight. This was after I checked it no fewer than seven times to make sure it was locked. FML

Today, I realized that the last two women I've tried to date have rejected me because they were both more interested in domestic abusers. I can't imagine how to rebound from THAT. FML

Today I realized my brain isn’t the only part of me that is forgetful and a liar. Or what would you call it when your bowels claim that the double dose of laxative you took last night never happened? FML

Today, buying books is more expensive than buying six-packs of beer. FML

Today, my mother has a knack at repeating that "I'm a fat, filthy pig" right in my face. I'm 25, I weigh 137 lbs and my height is 5'9". FML

Today, I realized I’m just so miserable and unhappy at this waste of time job... I get minimum wage that barely pays any bills, and continuously treated like shit here. FML

Today, it’s been almost a years since I started to read FML and still don’t know what OP means. FML

Today, my boyfriend likes a page on Facebook that says “I love redheads” and constantly likes their pictures and comments how “beautiful” and “sexy” they are. I’m a brunette and my boyfriend rarely comments on my pictures. FML

Today, I went on a lunch date with this girl I like. While we were ordering she commented she had celiac disease, also known as gluten intolerance. To impress her, I commented that I had celiac disease too. I ordered a beer with my meal and she said “I thought you had celiac disease?” FML

Today, it's my birthday and I'm spending it right now at my nephew's funeral. He was killed at age 6 by a drunk driver while crossing the street with his mom. I'm so broken, I don't even feel like celebrating any more birthdays of mine. FML

Today, my mother keeps on saying that I'm a filthy pig. I weigh 63 kg and my height is 1.75m. FML

Today, I have an extremely shy bladder, and my stepmom stays in her bedroom all day, within earshot of the only bathroom. She absolutely refuses to close her door, and she even told me “You’re just going to have to learn to go to the bathroom with others.” FML

Today, my mom picked me up from school and told me to carry in the groceries when we got home. In the two minutes it took to get home, I had already forgotten and my mom was PISSED. She said there’s no way my memory is that bad at 15. I regularly forget things in much less time. FML