Nearly FMLs

Today, my brother confessed his love to a girl and she got happy. It was my crush, who I was planning to ask out tonight. FML

Today, I'm living with my mother again because I don't have to pay for rent. FML

Today, my sister is lesbian and has far more sex than me. The girls she brings to bed are actually gorgeous, too. FML

Today, after 13 years of marriage, I'm finally broken. It annoys her that I'm openly affectionate, and flirt with her, and let her know that I'm attracted to her, and she has every excuse in the book for never being intimate. So I'm done trying. FML

Today, my sister woke me up by punching me in the balls, then trailed me out of bed by my feet, all because I ate her sandwiches for the day. She was also horrified to realise I sleep in my underwear. FML

Today, after months of being told by doctors and my psychologist that my constant migraines are "all in my head", I found out I have a brain tumor. FML

Today, my daughter came home crying because she failed a spelling test. When I took a look at it, I saw that she’d written “sail” instead of “sale,” “pears” instead of “pairs,” and other such mistakes. FML

Today, I overheard my mom telling her friends that “her life’s ambition is to ruin Katie’s life.” I’m Katie. FML

Today, as always, I can’t touch or walk past anything without knocking it down. FML

Today, my mom refuses to believe that I wash my hands or brush my teeth, ever. I’m 17 and I do those things compulsively. What have I ever done to make her think I’m that goddamn gross? FML

Today, while out to eat, my mom was concerned that I don’t drink enough water so she told me we weren’t leaving until I drank the whole glass. I ended up spending the entire night peeing because the waiter kept coming by and refilling it. FML

Today, our washing machine broke. Just what I needed after I got fired yesterday. FML

Today, despite my nearly impeccable hygiene, flies still land on me on a regular basis. FML

Today, I have been awake for over 27 hours, all because my boyfriend started a fight with me and has been ignoring my texts and calls. His reason? He "doesn't want to go roller skating with me." I do roller derby, and need to practice, but I get nervous doing it alone. He's considering breaking up. FML

Today, I just told my best friend that they forgot my b-day which was a few days ago. They ended up getting me a pencil. We've been best friends for 4 years now. FML

Today, I had to do the walk of shame with my boyfriend’s blanket and nothing more. His wife came home from work unexpectedly and caught us. She set my clothes, bra and panties and all on fire. FML

Today, life is really a giant wave, going through the motions is honestly senseless and void. I wish I was never born. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 3 years is being unfaithful. I summoned the courage to confront him about it. His response and I quote: “Well what was I supposed to do? I was horny and you deprived me of sex for 9 months and just gave birth.” He was completely serious. FML

Today, I got the COVID vaccine and had a wacky fever dream which made me think tylenol was completely off-limits. I spent the whole night in agony before coming to my senses and realizing that I should be taking Tylenol for the side effects. FML

Today, I'm pregnant despite being on the pill. My husband hates children for reasons from his own childhood abuse, to the point he will leave a room if it has a child in it, so I’m afraid to tell him because I'm 100% sure my options will be either abortion or divorce with no compromise. FML

Today, I asked out a girl who had previously admitted to liking me. She told me it would never happen. FML

Today, not only am I dealing with a terrible hemorrhoid for the fourth day in a row, I have started having symptoms of a terrible UTI. FML

Today my microphone might have not been muted while I swore out loud about something non-work related thinking it was muted. While in a work call with 6 other people including my manager... FML.

Today I take my laptop to the bathroom and sit on the toilet with it. Why? It’s the only place where I get WiFi. FML

Today, I learned that I used to torture animals as a kid. I have no memory of this, and the idea of hurting an animal nowadays makes me sick to my stomach. FML

Today, after class, I saw a phone and decided to return it to its owner. The owner showed up, pinned me against the wall, and cut my arm open with a switchblade, all for touching her phone. Not stealing it. Touching it. FML

Today, I went on a family trip to Norfolk and while I was down there I met this cute guy but I was too shy to ask for his number and I ended up leaving without knowing his name either and I think of him all the time. FML

Today, my mother swore at me, threatened to kill me, tried to disown me, hit my eye and said I shouldn't have been born multiple times. Why? Because I told her I wanted some privacy in my room as I was feeling sad, which she interpreted as me not wanting her around. I'm only 17. FML

Today i had sex with a guy who is in a 3 years relationship and i found out about this when i arrived home. i really thought i found the perfect guy for sex. FML

Today, after a whole year of eating nothing but fruits and vegetables, I ate a slice of cake on my birthday. None of my clothes fit anymore. FML