Today, I was rear-ended. While I was yelling, "WHAT THE F...?" the lady who hit me completely freaked out and drove into me again. Twice. FML
Today, the only woman in my life who has been honest with me and will give me a straight answer is iPhone’s Siri. FML
Today, my brother‘s will read that everything would go to our other brother, so long as he punched me for having an affair with my his wife. So now I have a black eye. I’m gay, but I've never told my family. I didn't have an affair with his wife. FML
Today, I restarted my PC a few times because of a little clicking noise coming from the direction of the tower. No, my hard drive wasn't doing a death rattle, it was music coming from ear buds lying beside said tower on the desk. FML
Today, my daughter decided it was a good day to put a bath bomb in the aquarium so the fish could have a relaxing bath with cool pink water. She didn’t know the fish would end up being killed. She’s 16. FML
Today, I got mugged. In shock, I said, "Are you mugging me?" To which the mugger responded, "Duh, do you think I grabbed you for your looks?" FML
Today, I asked my wife if I could go out for guys night. She said yes, and that it sounded so fun she decided to come too. Guys night was ruined. We couldn’t do anything without feeling her silently judging us. Guys night lasted two hours before they all left sober and pissed as hell at me. FML
Today, I walked into a job interview, then turned round and walked back out again. The interviewer was a one-night stand that ended very badly months ago, and she remembered me. I could see in her face the interview was pointless, so instead of grovelling I went to the pub to drown my sorrows. FML
Today, I miscarried my baby. My teen sister, who has autism and can’t handle being around children, congratulated me on getting my freedom back, and also on miscarrying before I got fat like our mom. I can’t even yell at her because she wouldn’t understand why I’m upset. FML
Today, I woke up and found a trail of £5 notes in my bedroom, which led all the way downstairs and into the bathroom. I got to the last one, where I was then kicked in the balls from behind. It was my sister. She said it was the money she'd borrowed from me. I was left in my underwear writhing in pain. FML
Today, my daughter told me that when she dies, she'd like her ashes spread on her laptop. FML
Today, and ever since we announced our pregnancy, my mother-in-law has invaded our home, taken over my hobby room, and tries to run our lives. I tried to go to the pub for a pint, one solitary pint, and she came and dragged me out by my ear, because "drinking is a sin", and I hadn’t done the dishes yet. FML
Today, I finally opened up to my roommates about when I came out as gay to my parents, and how I was beaten and disowned over it. One roommate saw this as the perfect time to hit on me, since he's also gay and thought I was hot, but wasn't sure if I swung that way. Glad he was so invested in me pouring my guts out. FML
Today, according to a wild Karen, I shouldn’t be allowed to use a disabled bay because I don’t look disabled. I mean sure, I have a prosthetic leg, but I look "normal" so I’m not allowed. FML
Today, I can't go on the internet without seeing my stupid fuck of a president staring down a US serviceman while deep throating a slice of pizza. FML
Today, while on the phone with a client at work, I was planning on saying either "Yeah." or "Uh-huh." Without thinking, I combined the two and ended up saying "Yee-hah," like a cowboy. FML
Today, my friends and I were feeling nostalgic and decided to listen to some of Dane Cook's old stuff. We got to "The Friend Nobody Likes" and I commented that I'm glad we don't have a person like that in our group. This was followed by a very awkward silence, and someone suggesting we listen to something else. FML
Today, my girlfriend texted me a screenshot of a bathing suit on a store’s website and asked for my opinion. I told her it wouldn’t look good. She then texted me a screenshot of me liking a picture of a friend on Facebook, wearing that same bathing suit, saying, “But on her it looks fine, right?” Fuck. FML
Today, I found my neighbors' cat that had bolted after surgery. Its surgical collar had gotten caught when jumping a fence. It's been 15 hours. I can still feel the life leave its body as I tried to save it. I still see the look on the young daughter's face as she ran out to find me holding her lifeless cat. FML
Today, I’m finally getting over a bad accident I had, and I'm allowed to start walking again. Alas, I’ve been flat on my back in a hospital bed for so many months, I’m having to get used to standing upright again. I get so dizzy from standing, I keep falling and hurting myself. FML
Today, I woke up to my mom calling me. I'm 90 miles away, staying at my cousin's. Someone shit on the windshield of her car, and she is blaming my friends, and is pissed at me who is out of town, and my friends who I believe were driving to a out of state concert. FML
Today, my classmate overheard me on the phone making an appointment at the women’s health center. The dumb bitch told everyone I was going to the clinic for STD treatment. I was scheduling my biopsy for a lump in my breast. FML
Today, I, a 40 year-old who has been playing chess for over 25 years, was beaten by my own 12 year-old son. To make it worse, I actually fell for the Fool’s Mate, which to those who don’t know is the shortest possible checkmate in chess that only involves two moves. Yes, TWO MOVES. FML
Today, as usual, my mother had wine when she has the next day off. Three bottles deep, she started talking about an Indian burial ground that haunts the house, and she knows this because they talk to her in her dreams, so she is right. FML
Today, my country announced that there will be 10 hours of power cuts starting from tomorrow. This basically means that if I want to begin my day at 8:00 am, it will only really get started at 6:00 pm, once the sun is down and the birds are done chirping. FML
Today, I told my mom I've been having sleep issues and asked if she could take me to the doctor. She told me I just needed to read the Bible more. Needless to say, I still can't sleep. FML
Today, after I fell on ice twice hitting my tailbone last week. I'm in excruciating pain but can't get out of work, no internet for over a week so I can't do college work, a guy ran into my car, totaling it. it's 20 years-old so insurance probably won't give me enough to replace. Bad luck comes in threes. FML
Today, and every time I try my hand at content creating, I get 0 appreciation or recognition, beyond bigger content creators stealing my work and ideas as their own, and seeing them get the many 10s of thousands of views I could have gotten. FML
Today, and up until now, I never knew my dad had a racist streak until he found out his usual fish and chip shop had been turned into an Indian takeaway. The language he was using, I had to google what half of the names even meant, since I wasn't born in the '70s. The neighbours definitely heard him, because now they won't talk to us. FML
Today, I've reached the age as a sexless loser where my family no longer tells me to find a "single lady" but rather a "single mother". Thanks for reminding me everyone else had fun in their twenties. FML
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