Today, the bank called to ask when were we going to make the mortgage payments for our family home. We were several months late. I had been transferring my mother the cash to make the mortgage payments after she lost her money gambling. She absolutely promised she would stop several months ago. I guess she lied. FML
Today, I waxed my asshole and it wouldn’t stop bleeding, so I had to shove toilet paper down my crack, because I have things to do that require me to get dressed and go out in public. It still bled through my trousers. It looks like I got my period, and I’m a 6”4 man with a beard. FML
Today, I'm in a long-term relationship with a woman I love to bits, but I have a crush on a coworker. I've tried to brush it off, but it's only getting stronger. The worst part? I think she likes me too. FML
Today, it's been more than 3 days since a tornado ripped through my neighborhood. Several were injured, and there is millions of dollars of damage. Not a single family member has called, texted, or stopped by to see if I need help or got injured. FML
Today, I visited my dad's grave to give it a clean, since moss and shit were starting to grow on the gravestone. Apparently this counts as vandalism, according to the groundskeeper, because soap and water can damage the stone and make it crumble faster. Yes, the city cops sent me a fine. FML
Today, my wife of 18 years and I went to a party. We arrived and left separately, and didn't even talk to one another while there. I miss her. FML
Today, I got a mammogram, after feeling some discomfort. After the exam, I mentioned to my mother my doctor referred the test, because even though I'm still in my twenties, I have a family history of breast cancer. She told coworkers, friends, and family about my health condition. Now they all know. FML
Today, I did a girl’s gel manicure at the nail salon I work at. When I went to give her the bill, she said, “Oh my god, it’s Jackie Chan! Hi!” and pointed behind me. Instinctively, I turned around, for her to shout “Syke!” and took off running. She didn’t pay for her manicure. It was $73. FML
Today, I went to McDonald's for lunch and ordered a salad. The man behind the counter looked at me and said, "Well, at least you're trying." FML
Today, I found out my two favorite heterosexual female coworkers are cheating on their partners with one another. I kinda wish someone had invited me. FML
Today, my mother-in-law, who I love to bits and also work with, came into my office, so I greeted her with our usual, “What now, you old bat?” expecting the usual, “Cost estimates, you cheeky young bleeder.” It wasn’t her, it was the company owner. My mandatory sensitivity training starts Thursday. FML
Today, my new boyfriend told me he was having a “swamp day”. Apparently, it’s a day where for some reason, no matter how thoroughly he wipes his ass, he will need to wipe it again every 30 minutes, as shit continually leaks out of him and turns his ass crack “swampy.” I think I threw up a little. FML
Today, I blanked and forgot to take out my piercing before going for my MRI, even though the nurses asked me multiple times to make sure I had no metal on me before entering, you know, the big machine made of massive electromagnets. The piercing was on my clitoris. FML
Today, after I sold the bulk of my employer-granted stocks last week, assuming its the highest price the stock would reach in a while, it's now nearly 30% higher to the price I sold at. FML
Today, I found out my fiancé has been cheating on me for the past month. The lady he has been seeing is a choreographer that was teaching him how to dance salsa for our wedding rehearsal. FML
Today, my husband wants to move to a different country, but I'm extremely happy and comfortable where I am. To be clear, he wants me to move abroad, while he stays back home. FML
Today, my girlfriend was swiping on Tinder and came across my active profile before confronting me. I'm not sure who's more in the wrong. FML
Today, I went for an interview in the big city, with an expensive commute. Despite being an office-based management role requiring years of experience, they only offered minimum wage. After explaining it wouldn't be acceptable and tried to negotiate, they kicked me out and had the balls to call me "ungrateful." FML
Today, the mother of my most boneheaded student got upset when her “precious baby” miserably failed my class. She then threatened to accuse me of failing him due to racism, because I’m black, somehow overlooking the giant camera on the ceiling I installed for my own safety. I hate my job. FML
Today, my parents told me I was adopted. I can understand parents waiting for a child to be old enough to understand, but I'm 33 years old. FML
Today, my son's school called and made a comment about only calling me because my wife didn’t answer her phone. My wife is dead. It’s in his record that his mom is dead, and yet they still tried to call her before me, because I suppose dads aren’t real parents like moms are. FML
Today, my abusive ex-boyfriend yet again decided to eat at the restaurant I work at. It’s traumatizing to me, and I think that’s why he does it. FML
Today, I learned from my parents that admitting you're ignoring someone who is trying to give you genuinely helpful advice is not rude, but snapping at said person for ignoring you is in fact very rude. Narcissistic parents at their finest. FML
Today, after my dad ran off 15 years ago, during which time my mom died, and I had to become my brother's legal guardian and somehow get both me and then him through university while working 4 jobs, my dad turned up on our street. He tried to flirt with me, because he didn’t recognise me. Scumbag. FML
Today, I found out that the woman from My Strange Addiction who can't stop picking her scabs is married. I've been single for two years and I don't even pick my nose. FML
Today, my daughter and her boyfriend deliberately got pregnant, because they found out if she claimed to be a single mom, she could get a council house and free benefits, and then just move him in with her. They're both 15. FML
Today, I was constipated and strained so hard that I threw up into my pants and all over my shoes. I was at work, and no, I didn’t have a change of clothes. FML
Today, I walked up to my friend and slapped her ass, because that’s what we always do. Turns out, it wasn’t my friend, it was a total stranger. FML
Today, I was making my bed and had an armload of pillows. One slipped and I tried to catch it between my arm and leg. I missed, sending my fist into my nuts. FML
Today, it's been two days since I went out to a club with my sister. I love dancing and was really getting really into it. However, my neck muscles are still sore. From dancing for two hours. I'm 28. FML
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