Today, one of the human-shaped piles of shit my restaurant serves found a hair in her food. Normally, these fuckwits piss and moan and demand free food, but this sack of filth turned out to be such a drama queen that she puked all over the table and cried so hard she needed an ambulance. FML
Today, I asked the guy I’m seeing if he thought I was pretty. He replied that "all women on Earth" don’t compare to "the women in heaven", therefore all “earthly women” look like monkeys. FML
Today, I joined a dating site. The first guy it recommended was the stalker I met on the last dating site I used. FML
Today, somebody parked an old truck with "FDIC" stickers on the sides in front of the bank I work at. I've been dealing with panicked customers all day, my manager says that the whole bank is at risk, and we can't find who parked the truck there. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to see the new Avatar movie I’ve waited over 10 years to see. After it was over, she just said, "That was utter shite, why did you bring me here?" Entire experience ruined. FML
Today, I realized that I’ve been slowly staying later and later at work, then having a glass of wine before bed to avoid my husband, because we mostly fight whenever we see each other now. FML
Today, I was arrested and had to spend the night in jail because I was caught stealing baby formula from Walmart. I’ve been struggling to find work ever since I gave birth a few months ago, and have been a stay-at-home mom ever since. Even my boyfriend has been struggling to find better work. FML
Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML
Today, I told my friend that I insisted on to remaining single, but yet he still wanted to introduce me to a friend of his. Turns out it was my ex, whom I haven't talked to for 5 years. FML
Today, my mom made my favorite dessert, a pudding. For some reason, she decided to put strawberries in it. She knows I’m allergic to strawberries. She said, “Stop bitching. If you don’t like it, don’t eat it then. Problem solved.” FML
Today, I mentioned to my parents that, considering the state of the world, the government needs to get its act together and ban guns, gas cars, meat, animal products, and plastic, among other things. They threatened to kick me out, saying I should "go live with the other dumbass hippies." FML
Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I work. The little girl looks at me, looks back at her mom, and says, "Mommy, I hate people." FML
Today, on the kitchen counter, there was a plate that had snacks on it. I decided to take a bite. I spat it out. Later on, my mother told me it was dog food. FML
Today, my spouse gave me the gift of hugging me. I'm so touch-starved, I cried. I can see our relationship crumbling but I'm the only one who seems to want to fix it. Our kid saw me and I can't even explain how sad it made me. FML
Today, I tried to turn my TV up. Unfortunately, the volume button got stuck, so it ended up turning all the way up to the max while I was listening to an already very loud song. If my neighbors didn't know I listen to a lot of blues rock, they do now. FML
Today, I have brain damage, no two ways about it, because I had mumps as a child that caused my brain to swell. I just found out I only got mumps because my dad lied to my mom about getting me vaccinated, because he was too cheap to pay for it. FML
Today, I got stuck in the elevator at work. When I was finally let out, my boss decided I shouldn't get a lunch break, because I'd already had over an hour off work while in the elevator. I had to starve through 5 more hours of work. FML
Today, some person I don't even know called me a scammer on my Facebook, and my mutual friends, who know my actual "GPS coordinates" blocked me before bothering to hear my side. FML
Today, I made a casserole to use up the green beans I've had sitting unused in the fridge for over a week. I went out and bought all the ingredients, prepared them, and left them in the slow cooker for 4 hours before dinner. At no point in this did I remember to add the beans. FML
Today, I got the news that my ex-boyfriend from two years ago died in a car crash. My fiancé found me crying in the living room when he came home from work. When he found out why I was inconsolable, he said, "Make sure you say hi to that abusive turd in hell for me, thanks for everything." He is now staying at a hotel. FML
Today, at dinner, I stumbled over the words of the prayer and my dad is now convinced I’m losing interest in my religious responsibilities. To “bring me back to the Lord” he is trying to force me to break up with my girlfriend and quit the rugby team. FML
Today, my husband and I decided to tell our sixteen-year-old daughter that she's adopted. Her response was, "Thank God!" FML
Today, my boyfriend doesn’t understand why I don’t care too much for his friend group. He’s pretty mid, but the rest of them are hardcore republicans. It’s not their beliefs that get me, it’s the fact that they’re completely incapable of talking about anything other than politics. I’m so bored! FML
Today, my 13 year-old daughter took our French Bulldog puppy out to pee. She left him out there and went back inside the house. She didn’t know she had to let him back in and thought he would bark at the door when he was done. It’s been two hours and he’s nowhere to be found. FML
Today, a guy I met online cancelled meeting me for the second time. The first time was because of work, and this time because of a game. I don't understand why was i even looking forward to meeting him, and I feel like it's all my fault. FML
Today, my now-ex boyfriend treated our waitress like shit. She was a young lady who just came from Venezuela and barely spoke English. He gave her no tip, ranted about “fixing this goddamn border problem” along with xenophobic slurs. Apparently, he’d forgotten I’m an immigrant too, from Colombia. FML
Today, I was told I would also be covering some of my boss's shifts next week. She gets to go on a vacation to Europe with the bonus we earned her last year. That's why she was tightening our deadlines to the point where some of the employees had to hire babysitters for their children so we could stay at work. FML
Today, I drank a good amount of vodka and cut my own hair. FML
Today, my grandparents told me they couldn't make it to my college graduation, even with months in advance to plan, because they had their annual Mother's Day plans with friends. Plans they've had every year, and are further away. This was the only time I'll ever have a graduation ceremony. My grandpa is my last biological grandparent. FML
Today, my soon-to-be-ex emailed me a pic of them with the person whom they left me for. After I didn't respond, they called just to say, "Fuck off and die." Four days previously, I got laid off from my job. I'm getting too old for this stuff. FML
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