Nearly FMLs

By anonymous - 04/02/2016 03:30 - Canada - Barnwell

Today, my husband informed me it was national boob day. So I decided to take a sexy picture to surprise him. As I went to take the picture I dropped my phone and shattered the screen beyond repair. So his sexy surprise picture came at the cost of a new phone. FML

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By KawaiiCube - 04/02/2016 03:20 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I was taking a shower and my brother left his speaker there. It was bluetooth. So then, all of a sudden he blasts Barbie Girl out loud. After I get out of the shower my brother is saying that im gay to my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 04/02/2016 03:14 - United States - Tampa

Today, I have pre-registered for a class, shown up to the intro class, shown up to the first class, sent the professor an email explaining why I want to be in the class, and had the professor tell me I would get into the class. Today, I got capped out. FML.

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By jakehunter1024 - 04/02/2016 03:09 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my dog (he's about 8 months old and not fixed yet) and I thought he was having a seizure, but turns out, he was humping the air. He let out his load. All over my leg. FML

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By NOTasecretagent - 04/02/2016 02:59 - Canada - Ottawa

Today I realized that the email address I've been using to send messages to my boss, my professors, and everyone else for the last several years still bears the name i chose for it when I created the email as a kid and daydreamed about being a spy "TheAgent967" FML

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By koala189 - 04/02/2016 02:52 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was on a field trip and these guys were annoying my crush by laughing at her so she said, "Fuck you." She looked at me and said, "Fuck you too." I wasn't even laughing at her. FML

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By JCAL - 04/02/2016 02:42 - United States - Atlanta

Today my coworkers decided to invite me to get drunk with them. I did, and completely blacked out. I woke up hours later and they told me I had had sex with both of them and I had no idea where my clothes was. FML

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By Unlucky - 04/02/2016 02:34 - United States - Huntley

Today had been the girl I've liked for months birthday. She loves chocolate so I bought her a XL Hersey kiss and wrapped it and made a card expressing how much I care for her, it look me hours to make. When I went to give it to her, she told me she was busy and ignored me the rest the day. FML

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By FakUMom - 04/02/2016 02:23 - United States - Wappingers Falls

Today, I realized that the money I have been saving up towards building a computer has not gone to my bank account, but actually gone towards my moms outrageous spending. She has spent over $1500 of my money in three months

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By kgodk - 04/02/2016 02:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my (now ex) boyfriend was receiving head, kneeling on my knees and doing the best I could possibly do; when my mother busts through the door to tell me dinner is ready. He came. All over me. My mother watched the entire thing. FML

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By dannidoll93 - 04/02/2016 01:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that there's no tactful way to tell your girlfriend that you have to stop having sex because something's gone wrong and you now both have to shower. Now anal is off the agenda and I'm in the doghouse for assuring her that it wouldn't be messy. FML

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By MallowMistress - 04/02/2016 01:03 - United States - Bartlesville

Today, a highly autistic child started at the daycare I work in. He's mentally almost one, but physically almost two. Even though he can't handle it, he is about to get moved up to a class of 15 two year olds. And there's nothing I can do to stop it. FML.

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By Anonymous - 04/02/2016 00:55 - United States - Victor

Today while sitting in the living room with my roommate my cat carried my anal beads into the middle of the room and dropped them. Fml

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By clingoni - 04/02/2016 00:41 - United States - Harvey

Today, a girl I've been talking to, that likes me, told me she doesn't want to date me because I'm too nice and she doesn't want to hurt me. There went my confidence that I was actually doing something right. FML

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By Scared - 04/02/2016 00:33 - Denmark - Viborg

Today, my ex girlfriend who continuously beat me up, abused me and made my life a living hell, became my step mom. FML

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By bball star - 04/02/2016 00:31 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I accidentally hit a girl in the face with a basketball, making her nose gush blood. Everyone thinks I did it on purpose and now people won't stop glaring at me whenever I see them. FML

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By doglover1818 - 04/02/2016 00:30 - United States - Madison

Today, my idiot boyfriend thought it would be funny to throw me off the dock unexpectedly. His reason: "I was trying to help you get over your fear of water". I'm not afraid of water. I just don't know how to swim and nearly drowned until my friend jumped into help.

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By NOLAluv - 04/02/2016 00:25 - United States

Today, I find out my Mother in law is coming and staying the night.....2 hours before she gets here. I just had a baby and my house is a disaster. FML

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By Anonymous - 04/02/2016 00:19 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, my roommate came into my room. I was naked. I'm a woman and he's a man. He got a boner. I have a boyfriend. It's gonna be a long school year. FML.

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By anonymous - 04/02/2016 00:06 - United States - Appleton

Today, my boyfriend got us tickets to see one of my favorite bands. But since I had been planning to end things with him, I felt it would be wrong to accept the tickets and broke up with him then. He then asked my best friend to go with him, and she said yes. She doesn't even like the band. FML.

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By tryingtobeniceoverhere - 03/02/2016 23:52 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, my boss had our work number changed because it used to be a pizzeria's number. I don't think he realized that the new number we got used to be a suicide prevention hotline. I am the receptionist and my boss threatened to fire me if I talk to someone that isn't a client. FML

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By what else are friends for - 03/02/2016 23:52 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, i met up with a couple of friends on my lunch break from work. I've been on a diet for a couple of weeks and lost some weight. One of my friends noticed and asked if I lost weight, before I had a chance to answer, he lifted my shirt and said "never mind, there it is." FML

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By Yummynumynails - 03/02/2016 23:29 - United Kingdom - Edenbridge

Today, in class, I was chewing on a really long fingernail in my mouth. My teacher then saw me chewing, accused me of eating gum, and made me take out the fingernail to prove it. In front of the entire class. FML

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By Anonymous - 03/02/2016 23:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was reading this book I've grown a love for in class. Keep in mind that I grow very attached to fictional characters. So when the main character died, the next ten minutes were of me sobbing uncontrollably. Now my teacher, and my classmates are all concerned that I cried over a book. FML.

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By superb12345 - 03/02/2016 23:25 - United States - Cascade

Today, after finally getting over mono, I miraculously got it again. I think there might be something my boyfriend isn't telling me. FML.

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By gerardireo - 03/02/2016 23:09 - United States - North Miami Beach

Today, My bf of five months gave me a cake that secretly had strawberries in it, I'm allergic to strawberries and he knew that. When I ate the cake I immediately puffed up and when I asked him why he fed me strawberries after I finished doing my epi-pen he said it was bc 'it turns him on'. FML.

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By MegaMike - 03/02/2016 23:00 - United States - Babylon

Today, me and my Mom had a bit of an argument over Gay Rights, She said that it was wrong and unholy, I said if they loved each other than I think it's fine. To get away from the topic I bring up our cousin diagnosed with cancer, she said there is cure and doctors were hiding it to make money. FML.

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By love struggles - 03/02/2016 22:57 - United States - Montclair

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years asked me to lend him money for an engagement ring. For his other girlfriend. FML

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By runaway - 03/02/2016 22:53 - United States - Chapel Hill

Today, I found a pile of poop in the hallway at my workplace. FML

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By pooppants - 03/02/2016 22:51 - United States - Fond Du Lac

Today, I was talking with a cute woman at the bus stop. I've been battling the stomach flu the past 48 hours. I excused myself to sneeze and at that moment realized I had sneezed so hard I shit my pants. Not only did we both instantly smell it, there we're only two seats left on the bus. FML.

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The Top

Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 296

You deserved it 6 688

Today, I just found out my best friend is a hooker. I just thought she worked nights and had terrible taste in clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 882

You deserved it 519

Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 066

You deserved it 3 386

Today, instead of waking up to soft sunlight creeping in the window or the gentle trill of birds, I was awakened by the sound of my dog vomiting all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 631

You deserved it 2 851

Today, my friend with benefits texted me to say that his roommate had heard us getting it on, and had gone on to nickname me 'Giggles'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 374

You deserved it 568

Today, I matched with a cute girl on a dating app and messaged her something flirty: “Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you’re Cu-Te.” She replied, “That’s my cousin’s joke. He used it in his wedding vows last year. Small world, huh?" Of all the matches to make, I had to match a distant relative… FML

I agree, your life sucks 200

You deserved it 429