Random Spicy

What a jerk!

By traumatized house keeper - 08/09/2017 13:00 - Germany - Munster

Today, while cleaning the hostel, I had to make some beds in a dorm room. There were three guys in the room, one of whom was sitting on a bed. He looked me straight in the eye and I gave him a big smile before I realized he was jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 507

You deserved it 435

By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 08:00 - Australia

Today, after much thought and serious consideration, I nervously admitted to my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. The first thing that he said in response was: "Want a threesome?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 589

You deserved it 41 001

Actor's Studio

By darthmilfious - 31/03/2010 07:56 - France

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was making a list of things to do tomorrow while faking an orgasm when I realize my boyfriend had finished about two minutes ago. He's pissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 694

You deserved it 69 192

By Anonymous - 29/03/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I finally convinced a girl that I liked to have sex. I decided to swoop her off the feet like the movies and carry her to my bed. I ended up hitting her head on the door frame, knocking her out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 076

You deserved it 86 781

By anonymous - 03/01/2013 10:34 - United States - Canoga Park

Today, while talking to one of my parents' friends, we discovered that the house he grew up in is the same house my boyfriend now lives in. When he recalled that he lost his first tooth there, the only response I could come up with was, "Oh my gosh, I lost my virginity there!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 710

You deserved it 45 104

Meat

By tomedicalforlove - 21/02/2013 05:51

Today, my husband and I were fooling around in the shower. For some reason, I thought it'd be a good idea to grab his man meat and show him how to wash someone at a nursing home. He said he'd never be turned on by a nurse again. I'm a nurse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 143

You deserved it 42 015

Paradise Lost

By IndieRox - 28/11/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave each other's side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 570

You deserved it 3 314

Surprise!

By Anonymous - 28/03/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I came home a few days early from a 3-month business trip. As I opened my apartment door, hoping to surprise my girlfriend, the man she's apparently been cheating on me with promptly punched me in the face. He thought I was a burglar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123 658

You deserved it 5 375

By marie0908 - 17/12/2014 05:29 - France - Siros

Today, my 6-year-old son asked me what a "sex toy" was. Not really knowing what to tell him, I said it was a game. He's asked for one for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 312

You deserved it 13 625

By doctorsandnurses - 13/01/2012 10:47 - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day on the wards as a trainee doctor, I went home and started getting frisky with my girlfriend. All I could think about was the anatomical names for what I was touching and doing. I felt physically sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 802

You deserved it 4 611

Bad start

By Anonymous - 04/08/2014 23:04 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out the hard way that no good girlfriend-boyfriend conversation ever started with, "Suppose I slept with your best friend…" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 292

You deserved it 9 194

By missprude666 - 19/01/2012 08:32 - Australia

Today, I had to sit through 10 minutes of hearing a man on the tram tell his friend in explicit detail about all the filthy sex acts he'd like to do to me. His friend told him to take a photo to jack off to later. When I tried to tell the tram driver, he told me to "take it as a compliment." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 260

You deserved it 4 513

Of all the places…

By rastamerican - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - San Jose

Today, at a red light, my mom started to tell me that she and my dad hadn't had sex in months, that they "probably won't bounce back from this one," and are most likely getting a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 265

You deserved it 1 888

Sounds more like a fetish…

By Jordan - 08/04/2012 10:37 - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my boyfriend told me that he believes getting kicked in the balls is a scientifically-proven method of birth control. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 453

You deserved it 3 577

This doesn't feel nice

By Deadbed - 04/05/2019 16:00

Today, I had sex with my wife. After we finished and were cuddling, she said, "This is the part I like." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 877

You deserved it 685

By Anonymous - 18/12/2011 10:09 - Australia

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been using my moisturiser as lube when he wanks. It's $90 per bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 689

You deserved it 17 568

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 05:32 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 52 292

You deserved it 19 025

By reckless - 17/07/2010 19:34 - Canada

Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 555

You deserved it 61 252

By SCREWED - 15/07/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, I came home to my mom dancing the hustle naked. With a group of 4 friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 913

You deserved it 3 908

The all-seeing eye

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Just as she took her shirt off, her phone rang. It was her mom, demanding she return home. Now I've been cockblocked, and my girlfriend's mom seems to be a goddamn clairvoyant. Awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 376

You deserved it 5 806

Just a movie

By IzzMeister - 15/12/2019 20:00 - United States

Today, I walked in on my uncle watching porn. I realized that it was porn featuring my boyfriend, and he told me that the girl in it was "just a friend". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 070

You deserved it 216

By A.Summers - 30/09/2013 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my parents surprised me by redecorating my room. I think they were more surprised by the box of naughty toys under my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 089

You deserved it 11 507

By ReallyMom - 09/01/2014 21:48 - United States - Shawano

Today, my mom tried giving me the sex talk. Her version of "the talk" consisted of making me watch videos of guys jacking off and reassuring me that "it's natural." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 727

You deserved it 5 211

Heated gaming moment

By Anonymous - 26/11/2014 19:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I agreed to give my husband head while he played Call of Duty. I was happy because he enjoyed it at first, until he started getting his ass kicked in the game. He lost and angrily blamed me for distracting him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 176

You deserved it 6 817

Turn me on

By kk. - 24/02/2022 16:00

Today, I'm on my period and super bloated. My husband laid down next to me and said, "Hey pretty lady, wanna have a good time? Let me stick my pin in and let some of that air out", then made a deflating noise with a hand movement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 239

You deserved it 213

By acw2110 - 20/02/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, I woke up after having had sex with my 4-year crush expecting to find him in bed next to me. Instead, I found my cell phone with a text message from him that said "you should really do something about the pimples on your ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 748

You deserved it 12 063

By Mr Eek - 25/10/2008 16:57

Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 603

You deserved it 12 456

The truth

By uglyallover - 20/09/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give an honest answer. At one point, I asked my boyfriend what his favorite position is, to which he quickly answered with no hesitation, "Any one where I don't have to see your face or body." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 457

You deserved it 4 473

Bizarre love triangle

By too close for comfort - 19/02/2023 02:00

Today, my guy friend told me he wanted to try being with another guy. I told him I’d help him anyway I could. Who knew his “help” was him wanting me (a woman) to help him get hard since he couldn’t get it up for the guy? Guess not letting him grope me or jerk him off meant I’m unsupportive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 533

You deserved it 268

Very posh

By Anonymous - 24/01/2024 14:00 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my parents found my box of condoms. I'm 20, so it's no big deal, and they commended my responsibility. What they don't know is I don't talk to any girls, and I bought those condoms to jerk off into. FML

I agree, your life sucks 201

You deserved it 430

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 452

You deserved it 1 211

Today, my 8-year-old son eagerly showed me a PowerPoint he made. It consisted of REALLY graphic and gory descriptions of a guy getting murdered, complete with pictures from the internet. He was laughing the whole time he was showing me this, and even set one of the images as his desktop background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 851

You deserved it 349

Today, as I was going to bed, I decided to read a book. Just as I touched the book, the bedroom light burned out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 605

You deserved it 434

Today, everyone at the office was finally presented with the bonuses our boss had promised to pay us by the end of last year. Turns out he was never authorized to promise any such thing, so he ended up just giving us signed "thank you" letters instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 932

You deserved it 3 425

Today, I was supposed to have my bridal shower, an experience I’ve looked forward to since I was a little girl. Yesterday I tested positive for Covid, for the third time in three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 237

Today, I was on the arm of my couch trying to grab something from the bookshelf, and my boyfriend was below me. I asked, "So, would you catch me if I fell?" He looked back at me, paused for a moment before saying, "How much do you weigh again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 365

You deserved it 8 059