Nearly FMLs

By anonymous - 02/02/2016 20:25 - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, at my fast food job a man got so angry that he threw a burger at me. Just because we accidentally put tomato on his burger.. He didn't ask for no tomato. FML

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By pilot-leftout - 02/02/2016 20:23 - Canada - Liverpool

Today, was supposed to be my off day, I came to work to catch up and caught my boss and two co-workers (all female) having a threesome, gee, now I know why I was told to take the day off, FML

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By Anonymous - 02/02/2016 20:19 - United States - Dallas

I finally ask a really cute girl out. I was dumb enough to do it on Facebook. Not only did she laugh at me but she posted the message on her wall. Every one saw me crash and burn. FML

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By CrazyPitMom - 02/02/2016 20:10 - United States - Houston

Today, after having the air bed inflated for a week without any issues, my cat decided to jump into the middle of it while it was deflating, and punctured it with her claws. She is now laying in the middle of what was a new, king size air bed purring, loudly. FML

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By imnotsexy - 02/02/2016 20:09 - United States - Boise

Today, I was touching my boyfriend's penis for the first time. I looked up in awe and told him it was like a stiff pipe protruding from his pelvis. He laughed and went soft. FML

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By Some People - 02/02/2016 20:00 - United States - San Jose

Today, I woke up late for work and didn't have time for breakfast, after I clocked in I proceeded to the vending machine useing the only dollar I had to buy a bag of chips, of course the chips got stuck. So I decided to shake the machine, causing the glass to shatter. I am now unemployed. FML

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By Nooooope - 02/02/2016 19:58 - United States - Frisco

Today, I was dancing around the house and thought I had to fart. I then preceded to shit myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 02/02/2016 19:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out all my friends are going on a girls' holiday, and will miss my 18th birthday. I wasn't invited to said holiday. Looks like I'll be home alone, getting drunk with my cat. FML

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By pilot-leftout - 02/02/2016 19:50 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, was supposed to be my off day, I came to work to catch up and caught my boss and two co-workers (all female) having a threesome, gee, now I know why I was told to take the day off, FML

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By bomb car driver for hire - 02/02/2016 19:50 - Philippines - Las Pi?as City

Today, after so much convincing by my friends and family, I gave in and decided to finally "upgrade" myself and got my very first smart phone. At the store, in all seriousness I asked a question, making everyone snicker, bombing me back to the stone age: "How do you turn this thing on?". FML

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By kct415 - 02/02/2016 19:48 - United States

Today, the guy I had been seeing dumped me in order to pursue his ex who has a boyfriend. Even though he'd been sleeping with me & told me he loved me, he apologized for "giving me the wrong impression." FML.

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By Anika_09 - 02/02/2016 19:42

Today, my girlfriend said she was going to go out and buy me a late birthday present. What was she actually doing? Her other girlfriend. FML

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By klipper57 - 02/02/2016 19:30 - United States - Melbourne

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I would rather go to my grandmother's funeral than go on a date with her.

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By bareall - 02/02/2016 18:59 - United States

Today, my mother in law, who is visiting us for the week, walked in on me naked. She did not walk out. FML

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By Anonymous - 02/02/2016 18:58 - United States - Louisville

Today, I realized that the recurring sickness I've been dealing with was actually caused by the stress of my senior year. If I go to school, I'm more stressed. If I don't go, I'll be in a heap of trouble. Fml.

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By johnphillips - 02/02/2016 18:48 - United States - Providence

Today, i was in the middle of german class when i got massive hicups. they were so loud that my german teacher said that the princible needed to see me because i was supposed to be suspended and then after moments of silence he said "now you dont have hicups anymore" FML

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By TrueStory - 02/02/2016 18:46 - United States - Encinitas

Today, I figured out that my husband of 14y is having an affair that has been going on since Before we signed for a 400k mortgage and two leased vehicles. To put the icing on the cake she was the photographer at my daughters wedding and my 40th and is in almost every picture. FML

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By Anonymous - 02/02/2016 18:37 - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, after waiting 2 hours at home for my girlfriend, I called her. She said she wasn't coming because I didn't respond to her text quickly enough. Thanks for telling me earlier. FML

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By lawnmower - 02/02/2016 18:34 - Sweden

Today, I asked my new roommate if she wanted to come suntanning with me and my friends. A moment later, I realised black people are probably not interested. FML

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By sammysoomba - 02/02/2016 18:30 - United States - Wallingford

Today, while in the bathroom at school, I was playing a game on my phone that required me to move my fingers across the screen as fast as I could. Though my shadow made the guys outside think I was doing something else. FML

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By Not again - 02/02/2016 18:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my mum grounded me for not telling me what I got her for her birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 02/02/2016 18:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today , I masturbated twice to porn hub and had 2 of the most greatest orgasms ever , the kind I can't aquire when my boyfriend has sex with me FML.

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By CarlCarlCarl - 02/02/2016 17:46 - United States - Souderton

Today, I was in a public bathroom stall. I got up, and I used my foot to open the door. I fell backwards, and hit my head on the toilet paper holder. I'm pretty sure I have a concussion now. FML

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By M_Underwood - 02/02/2016 17:37 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I got a boner when I made some really delicious food. Yes, it's been that long. FML

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By Garnetshaddow - 02/02/2016 17:35 - United States - Boulder

Today, as usual, I wore my Mjolnir to work. People finally noticed. I was yelled at for representing false gods, accused of wearing "the devil's eye," and loudly informed I was going to hell at work. I work at a school and all of this was from fifth graders. FML

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By markelwood - 02/02/2016 16:34 - United States - San Jose

Today, I had a presentation in front of the entire class, and it would have been fine except the fact that I had a "boner of a lifetime." This name was givin by a girl that I sit next to in class. FML

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By Nowsingle - 02/02/2016 16:32 - United States - Augusta

Today, because my fiancé always broke my expensive items I bought a lock box to put them in. He managed to break the key. FML.

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By obviouslynotpregnant - 02/02/2016 16:18 - Belgium - Wetteren

Today, I got my period. For the fourth time in two months. FML

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By Anonymous - 02/02/2016 16:16 - Austria - Innsbruck

Today, I was surfing FML as always when I'm pooping. I put my phone on my thigh and started wiping, about halfway through i feel the phone slipping off my thigh. Good news: I caught the phone, bad news: it was with already used toiletpaper. FML

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By NebraskaChick - 02/02/2016 16:02 - United States - Lexington

Today, my dad ran over a curb and we got a flat tire. We put the spare on with some help from a few friends. Not even 5 minutes later, he ran over another curb, and caused the spare to become flat as well. We were about 25 miles away from home.

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Today, I work at an IT company where we hand out laptops to our users, which we also equip with passwords. I used bird names from my language for the passwords. Turns out one of the passwords was a derogatory word for a woman who is very sexually active, because it's spelled the same as a type of bird here. FML

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You deserved it 126

Today, I went to help a friend move into her new apartment. We were half-way through when it started to rain, and in my anger I yelled that it's like these things happen just to annoy me. Then we heard the tornado sirens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 362

You deserved it 4 487

Today, it's the sixth anniversary of the last time I had intercourse. FML

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You deserved it 5 712

Today, I'm going to an event where I will be meeting quite a few people who will be excellent contacts in my future career. Since I wanted to make a good impression, I did the whole makeup and grooming thing before setting out. I accidentally removed about half my left eyebrow. FML

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Today, my boss offered to give me a ride on her way home. Two seconds before getting into the car, I had to let out a fart. I didn't think the fart would follow me in, but it did. She rolled down the windows, and we lapsed into a silent, awkward ride home. FML

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Today, I was home alone and it started to rain. It hadn't rained in days so I went out on my balcony and ran around. I felt great until I realized that my door had been swung shut because of the wind, and it had no handle. I had to wait outside in the rain for two hours. FML

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