Nearly FMLs

By Tejanoswhy - 05/02/2016 15:58

Today, my phone fell out of my pocket on accident. While putting it back in my pocket, the teacher walked by and confiscated it saying he "saw me on it". No amount of convincing will get it back. FML

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By ScienceIsNotMyThing - 05/02/2016 15:57 - United States - Stoughton

Today, desperately needing to salvage my grade, I pulled out my iPhone for a little "help" during the science final. Unfortunately, I forgot that I’d set my phone to read text aloud. The entire class—including my professor—heard my phone loudly babble about water and hydrogen bonds.

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By oldenoughforwhatsir - 05/02/2016 15:55 - United States - Morrill

Today, at my job as a cashier, a customer asked me to guess his age. I guessed 37 and he said I was right and asked me my age. When I responded that I was 18 he said "old enough." FML.

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By ebonyirony - 05/02/2016 15:52 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my sister told me about her third UTI in two months. She's 19 years old and doesn't know to pee after sex. FML.

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By stalkee - 05/02/2016 14:51 - United States

Today, I noticed one of our house cameras was turned. I checked the footage, but it had a time gap when the camera was obviously remotely turned. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By anonymous - 05/02/2016 14:32 - United States - Fairfield

Today, my boyfriend started quizzing me on the history of the US. When i couldn't remember certain dates and amendments, he would scream "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, BABE?!" And "You don't deserve to be a citizen in this country." FML

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By P'd On - 05/02/2016 14:32 - United States - Plano

Today, I was taking a late night shit, reading FMLs on my phone. My little brother walked into the bathroom, still asleep, and peed on me, not noticing I was still on the toilet. FML

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By cellularphoneless:( - 05/02/2016 14:22 - United States - Horseheads

Today, I learned the hard way not to leave a full glass of ice water on my nightstand next to my iPhone 6 that was charging, I woke up to a glass full of cold water, no ice and a drenched, dripping wet phone and an outlet that no longer works. FML

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By lunalia6 - 05/02/2016 14:04 - Belgium

Today, I had a total loss car accident with my husband and kids. We're OK and immediately got a replacement car. When I closed the car-door, it slammed shut on my finger, completely breaking it. Enough bad luck ( with cars ) for one day. FML.

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By Lonely - 05/02/2016 14:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to be sexy for my boyfriend to spice up our love life. I was ironing his shirt in my underwear, when I started showing him what I'd do to him. I was licking up and down my finger... I then licked the iron. I'm now sitting in the A&E waiting room. FML

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By Ben - 05/02/2016 14:00 - United States - New York

Today, my teacher started calling role. There are two Bens in the class. She called out "Ben" first. I said "here. " Then she called out "attractive Ben." FML.

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By anon - 05/02/2016 13:51 - Mexico - Tepic

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me, just when it was getting good my 7 year old sister burst through my door in tears because she got a sliver in her foot and scared us both so bad he Accidentally but off a big chunk of my labia and now I'm in the ER getting it stitched back on. FML

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By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 13:24 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, the cops visited me stating that I take drugs. My nosy neighbor called them after snooping into my house. I was just using nasal drops. FML

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By loner - 05/02/2016 13:17 - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, i was supposed to submit my assignment to my lecturer. Got into the lecturer's office. Lecturer wasn't there. Left my assignment on the counter. Moments later my lecturer called and said "this is not the assignment i'm asking for". Turns out i submitted my ex-girlfriend's break-up letter. FML

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By Anon - 05/02/2016 13:12 - United States - Denver

Today, while cleaning the kitchen at work, I picked up a small bucket from a high shelf above the sink, intending to put it away. Little did I know it had used dishwater in it, which my coworker had forgotten to warn me about. I ended up splashing my head and face with ice cold, filthy water. FML.

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By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 11:28 - Australia - Collingwood

Today, I got dumped for having coldsores. Not currently, but in the past. The guy I was seeing compared it to having an std and not telling him but "at least chlamydia is curable". FML

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By fuck girlfriends - 05/02/2016 11:17 - United States - Kernersville

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because she wanted to go drink with others. I just gave her $700 the other day to help with her rent and bills. Fml

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By CarrieDoll - 05/02/2016 10:50 - United States - Portland

Today my boyfriend had severe IBS..... all over the bed. He shit himself in his sleep and proceeded to blame it on our two new kittens. I asked him how the kittens got shit inside his boxers. He's not speaking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 10:49 - United States - York

Today, I found out my soon to be husband doesn't even know my middle name. But he remembers movie lines from movies that are 20+ years old, as well as nearly ever line from Everybody loves Raymond. FML.

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By Niccistarzz - 05/02/2016 10:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today I got a new pair of boots I ordered online. I've been waiting for them for weeks and was super excited to try them on. They are black suede with fringe. My kitten decides that my shoes would be the perfect place to start her climbing career. I now have claw marks on one boot. FML

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By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 10:05 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I received a message from someone on kik saying that I had talked to them on omegle. After explaining that I didn't use omegle and that they had the wrong person, the person saved my profile picture (which was a picture of me) and now uses it as their own profile picture on kik. FML

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By Luna - 05/02/2016 08:56 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today concludes the span of one month in which my boyfriend of 4 years dumped me and completely broke my heart, two of my beloved family members died and my dog ate two of my pillow cases. Thank you 2016, it's been great so far. FML.

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By Adante - 05/02/2016 08:54 - United States - New York

Today, after 10 years straight of working for the company, me and my fellow worker's contract finally ended and we can go back home to our countries. Most excited is a co-worker who finally get to see his little Johnny whom he said was born 3 years after we started this job. We never went home. FML

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By rubberduck_of_do - 05/02/2016 08:40 - Austria - Innsbruck

Today, upon meeting my new boyfriends parents for the first time I realized that his dad is my gynecologist. My Boyfriends Dad has seen me naked before he did. FML

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By lonely smut - 05/02/2016 08:22 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I finally had sex with this guy who I thought was perfect for me. Couldn't feel a thing and I don't think he could either. FML

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By Cale_Ladder - 05/02/2016 07:47 - United States - Bethlehem

Today, I was on my computer and out of the corner of my eye I see my roommate, on his knees, humping his mattress. This has happened several times before, but I don't want to say anything because I'm pretty sure he is mentally handicapped... FML

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By carbonated trauma - 05/02/2016 07:21 - Australia

Today, I asked for 'sparkling water' at a restaurant thinking it was a fancy way of saying regular water. It's not. FML

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By -_- - 05/02/2016 07:17 - United States - Naperville

Today, my best friend's ex-boyfriend asked me out two days after dumping her. When I refused and told him I'm married, he threatened to slit my throat and murder my family. Time to go into hiding. FML

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By MissKenxx94 - 05/02/2016 07:08 - United States - Southfield

Today, i tried to surprise my boyfriend by being in bed in his favorite French maid outfit, i lit candles had mood music on. he looked at me laid down in bed then got mad because I was laying on the covers and he couldn't get comfortable. FML

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By Complicatedlover - 05/02/2016 06:54 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, but he loved me as a sister, and wants us to just be friends, FML.

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, and in the past week since became a full-time dad to my 16 year-old son, he's got caught sneaking out at night, lost his virginity, and I had to call the cops because he was caught trying to go two states over to be with said girl. I think he's trying to make me look bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 234

You deserved it 356

Today, my father-in-law decided he was going to just completely take over our engagement party, so now my fiancé just wants to go to Reno and get married there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 162

Today, I dug out the 5 fancy, extremely expensive candles I bought during Black Friday. I lit one up, and was delighted that it smelled so great. My mother then walked into my room and stated that it smelled "like shit". The other four were going to be a Christmas gift for her. FML

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You deserved it 3 716

Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML

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You deserved it 3 538

Today, after all of the business cards for the car dealership that I work for were printed, the phone number was wrong, and the lady got so pissed about getting so many calls that she told them that they had won a free car. I had to tell dozens of ecstatic customers that they hadn't. FML

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You deserved it 6 032

Today, the person who is supposed to train me at my new job left the country for a week due to a family emergency. I can't start until they return. This pushes my first paycheck back a pay period, two weeks later than expected. I'm already broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 173

You deserved it 336