Nearly FMLs

By Anonymous - 08/02/2016 04:13 - United States - Twin Valley

Today, I realized that my online roleplays involving fictional characters thrill me more then my real life romance with my boyfriend. FML

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By umadbrobro - 08/02/2016 04:13 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I'am a 21 y/o construction worker who was too lazy to wake up early and go to class, thus failing 2 semesters ( which my dad paid for ) to now wake up even earlier to bust my ass 11 hours a day and still living paycheck to paycheck.. Im a complete idiot . Fml

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By am1717 - 08/02/2016 04:13 - United States - Los Gatos

Today, I was getting frisky with my boyfriend. I didn't notice how close to the edge of his bed we were, until he rolled over and knocked me off the bed. I broke his nightstand, glasses, and portable heater. FML.

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By username5273 - 08/02/2016 04:07 - United States - Brandon

Today, I was writing a story about depression and ended up describing myself when portraying the most messed up person in the story. Fml

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By butdoctorwhat - 08/02/2016 04:02 - United States - Lake City

Today, my mom got a diamond ring for her birthday from her boyfriend while I was too broke to get her anything. I cleaned up the kitchen as a compensation for the lack of gifts. She began to cry about how everyone forgets about her and how ungrateful her daughter is. FML

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By truckers_wife - 08/02/2016 03:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned my lesson about eating candy in bed. I found what I thought was a crumb on my sheet and stuck it in my mouth. After I noticed it wasn't sweet I spit it out to find it was an ant. FML

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By hi1234567891234 - 08/02/2016 03:51 - United States - Washington

Today, I got hit on for the first time in months. To bad it was by a 85 year old man telling me I had "porn star boobs".

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By ReiracsNeve - 08/02/2016 03:45 - United States - Aurora

Today, I had to go to a dinner party with my mom. My mom's friends all have dogs and they thought it would be a good idea to unleash them on me. I have bruises all over my arms and legs. FML

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By worst ex ever - 08/02/2016 03:42 - United States - Redwood City

Today, my friends and I were playing cards against humanity and my ex pulled the question was "what ended my last relationship?" I put down "pretending to care" and won. We just broke up 3 days ago. Fml.

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By Joeliolioli - 08/02/2016 03:37 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I witnessed my coworker hold a weed whipper upside down over his head. A loose fuel cap popped off and poured gas all over him. This idiot doesn't have a car and made me drive him home, my truck still smells like gas. FML.

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By cburton - 08/02/2016 03:36 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, I went into work only to find that the night shift had left a feral cats cage open all night. The cat in question was locked in quarantine as it has giardia (a parasite spread through extreme diarrhea). I do not get paid enough to deal with being attacked by diarrhea cat.

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By great - 08/02/2016 03:28 - United States - New Lenox

Today, I thought I should trim my eyebrow hairs because they were getting pretty long. I didn't have tiny scissors so I had to use my kitchen scissors. When I finally cut the hairs I realized that I also cut my bangs too. Now there is a noticeably large chunk of bangs missing. FML

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By mewtwonow - 08/02/2016 03:22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my birthday was on super bowl Sunday and my friends bailed on me to watch the game. FML

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By ElizabethMarieD - 08/02/2016 03:14

Today,I was on my period at volleyball practice I had a huge flow and it went threw my spandex everyone saw it but no one bothered to tell me .I had a stain on my shorts for 3 hours. I found out while changing for a shower. All day I dived around the court with my butt and spandex in the air. FML.

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By pokemonlexy - 08/02/2016 03:08 - United States - Sidney

Today, I ever so childishly tried to blow bubbles in my tea to cool it down. This resulted in immediately getting splashed in the face and burning my cheek. Fml.

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By Anonymous - 08/02/2016 03:07 - United States - San Francisco

My husband has Aspergers, we found out two years ago. With each passing year, he becomes more childlike. I have to take care of him as much as I do our kids, and yet he wonders why I am no longer attracted to him or want to be intimate. FML

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By two2blue - 08/02/2016 03:05 - United States - Madison

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend, when one of those Jolly Rancher commercials came on the TV. When the voiceover hollered, "Keep on sucking!" I started laughing so much that it ruined the mood. FML.

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By JoyridePencil - 08/02/2016 02:58 - United Kingdom - Andover

Today, I found out that I can last about an hour of sex when tipsy/drunk. Where as I can only last about 5-10 minutes when sober. FML

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By Anonymous - 08/02/2016 02:50 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I realized that the weight limit on my chairs that keep ripping is 225 pounds. Then I noticed a direct correlation between the times they broke & the times my 325-pound roommate used them. There is no nice way to say you're too fat to use my chairs. I guess I'll be replacing them forever. FML

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By Clumsy Idiot - 08/02/2016 02:36 - United States - Villa Park

Today, I tried to kick a soccer ball, but somehow managed to miss and hit the concrete floor. I fell over in extreme agony, only to land heavily on my arm. I now have a broken foot AND a broken wrist. Half of my limbs are in casts. FML

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By harrypotterfan22 - 08/02/2016 02:36 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my father, who I haven't seen or spoken to in over a year, claims I'm failing school and am going to drop out. I'm a straight A student and he's only saying that to try and prove my mother is unfit to care for my younger sister. FML

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By TenStitches - 08/02/2016 02:02 - United States - Centreville

Today, my girlfriend is on her period. It was all going well until she said: "If I'm going to bleed, then you're going to bleed." Long story short, I'm now in the hospital getting stitches. FML

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By bestdayever - 08/02/2016 01:47 - United States - Gibson

Today, is my birthday and my parents had been fighting for a while to make up for it the offered to go out to dinner and promised they wouldn't fight. I invited my boyfriend of one year, he didn't show up and my parents fought like toddlers the whole dinner. FML

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By Leauge - 08/02/2016 01:42 - United States - Owensboro

Today, my dad shot my foot with a nail gun. He said he didn't know it would shoot a nail that fast. I can't move my foot without it feeling as if salt is being put in a cut. FML

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By NickySimpson - 08/02/2016 01:41 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, my boyfriend had the choice of, stay home and celebrate my birthday, or go to his friends and watch the Super Bowl. He chose the Super Bowl. FML.

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By Spartancjm - 08/02/2016 01:37 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I'm at a Super Bowl party with my dad's friends place and a bunch of his friends are here. It's half time and I got sick with diarrhea… there's only one bathroom. FML

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By mcore - 08/02/2016 01:18 - United States - Strongsville

Today, I was writing a poem for my Honors English class and needed to find a word that rhymes with corn. Not realizing my teacher was right behind me, I loudly exclaimed to everyone at my table, "You know what rhymes with corn? Cyber porn." FML

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By NotLeeBrice - 08/02/2016 01:06 - United States - Ephrata

Today, inspired by a country song, I told my fiancé that she sounds like truck tires on a gravel road. She kicked me and made me apologize. FML

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By Amethyst93 - 08/02/2016 00:39 - United States - Huntersville

Today, I drove four hours with my boyfriend to spend the weekend at his aunt's. This was the first time I would be meeting her. Within the first five minutes of arriving my dog shit all over her carpet. Great first impression. FML

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By Roxas_hearts - 08/02/2016 00:10 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, at soccer, as an attempt to save the ball from going into the net, I tried sliding at it. Fortunately, I saved it. Unfortunately, I saved it with my hand. The ref didn't notice and I felt guilty the whole game. Needless to say, none of their team shook my hand at the end. FML

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The Top

Today, one of my kids thought it would be funny to superglue me to my armchair while I was asleep, except they’re idiots who used way too much. I am now fused to the cushions and had to call an ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 836

You deserved it 154

Today, after heavy rain my street flooded. While in my living room, I looked outside to see that my elderly neighbour was outside splashing in a knee deep puddle. He was butt-naked and wearing a snorkel and flippers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 063

You deserved it 3 709

Today, I was listening to my favorite albums by the Prodigy. Most are from the '90s, with one from 2015. I caught myself thinking about how much better it is than what's out now. It was then that I realized that I AM the old curmudgeon who complains about "today's music." FML

I agree, your life sucks 749

You deserved it 256

Today, my office building had a surprise fire drill. As I rushed to exit, I realized that I’d put on a shirt that was way too tight. It felt like it was practically cutting off my circulation, and I couldn’t breathe too well. I tried to suck in my stomach but almost passed out in the process. I spent the rest of the drill struggling with my shirt while people gave me weird looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 466

Today, my Thanksgiving sucks, pretty much bummed because someone dognapped my Shiba Inu as I went inside a store. I'm trying not to stress, even though all I can think of is, "Is he OK? Has he eaten?" Fuck, I miss my darn dog. The audacity of this person. Literally disheartening. Hopefully he returns to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 586

You deserved it 162

Today, my wife told me how she really felt about me, and said she didn't love me anymore. We got married last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 287

You deserved it 143