Nearly FMLs

By THAT guy - 09/02/2016 00:48 - United States - Peoria

Today, I was working overtime again. After everyone else left for the day, I felt my stomach rumble and carefully let out a huge fart. It was silent and there was no one around so I didn't give it another thought. That is until I realized my headphones were on and my boss was running away gagging.

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By Nikachu14 - 09/02/2016 00:47 - United States - Winnetka

Today, I was babysitting my niece. We had gotten along well before but this is the first time I was with her by myself, as soon as her mom leaves she runs away screaming bloody murder and won't stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 09/02/2016 00:13 - United States

Today, I was accused of harassing a student at work. She demanded that I "stop harassing her" because I asked her politely to place her water bottle on the floor, a department policy since I work in a computer lab. The bitch complained, and I was given a warning by my boss for doing my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 09/02/2016 00:00 - United States

Today, I finally had the courage to come as gay to my christian, conservative family. The good news is, my dad says he's not homophobic, the bad news is that he will not come to my wedding, can't pay for my college, and may puke if he ever sees me kiss another man.

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By lmbachman - 08/02/2016 23:56 - United States - Westminster

Today, while washing out reptile cages at work in an exotic pet store, part of my ponytail fell out and kept brushing my neck. When I was finally able to fix it, I discovered it wasn't hair. It was Spanky, the store mascot and owner's pet tarantula, whom the owner "misplaced" last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 08/02/2016 23:51 - United States - Dayton

Today, I couldn't wait to see my son after my first day back at work from my maternity leave. I was horrified to find him on the bathroom floor, screaming and bright red from head to toe. His dad put him in a bathtub of scalding hot water because "the little bastard wouldn't shut the fuck up." FML

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By Calvin - 08/02/2016 23:47 - Anonymous Proxy

Today, my cheating, bitch ex girlfriend texted me telling me she had accessed an important piece of work I spent weeks on and had put "I love anal with big horses cocks" onto a random page. I checked my saved copy and she was telling the truth. I had already sent it to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 08/02/2016 23:43 - United States - Brighton

Today I spent 8 hours writing for a research assignment according to syllabus instructions. Later I discovered more specific guidelines for the paper online--the paper's total length is to be 6-8 pages. My assignment, 1/3 of the paper, is 11 pages in length. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 2

By Justy101 - 08/02/2016 23:40 - Australia - Belmont

Today, after working a 10 hr, very busy late night shift, I got home at 1AM and planned on a nice, long sleep-in. Someone turned off the electricity to the house at 8AM. My fan isn't working and my room is a hot box. Goodbye sleep-in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 08/02/2016 23:34 - United States - Norristown

Today, my wifi was so awful, I had to sit in one place on the stairs while finishing a huge English essay and a science paper. FML

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You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 08/02/2016 23:33 - United States

Today, i went to send my wife an erotic picture of myself and sent it to a female co worker instead. She won't let me hear the end of it. fml

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You deserved it 1

By ThePhoneHater - 08/02/2016 23:29 - United States

Today, I was driving back from work when I got into a minor accident in traffic. when the police arrived the old lady that bumped into me told the police, I was playing my phone with no hands in the steering wheel. my phone is at home charging, the officer said I hid it and he didn't want to lookFML

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You deserved it 1

By rinzlerkitty94 - 08/02/2016 23:09 - United States - Irving

Today, we went out to eat for my birthday. I wanted something a little different from the usual grilled chicken I get at that kind of restaurant, so I got shrimp scampi. I took a bite, it was completely raw. And I now have food poisoning. FML

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You deserved it 1

By skillahr - 08/02/2016 23:00 - United States - Springfield

Today, my stepfather wouldn't let me work for my boyfriends dad to earn money to pay for my school fees, which he said he paid for, all because my boyfriend hates him with a passion due to the fact he treats me badly, I'm still 600$ in debt and still jobless, FML

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You deserved it 1

By everythinghurts - 08/02/2016 22:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, whilst I was walking down the road, a car swerved into the sidewalk and hit me, breaking my leg and basically turning me into a human bruise. My mom was more mad at me for "letting" my $200 glasses get run over than she was at the person who hit me. FML

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You deserved it 1

By itsbeentoolong - 08/02/2016 22:55 - United States - Mclean

Today, I had a sex dream about my ex. If that weren't bad enough, we didn't even get to have sex - my period suddenly started right when we got to the good part. It's been a year since I got any, and now I even get cockblocked in my own fantasies. FML

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You deserved it 1

By idejmrotstolip - 08/02/2016 22:49 - Australia - Castlecrag

The way my boyfriend of six months broke up with me was a 1700-word, dot point list of all the things I've done wrong. I know it was 1700 words as he included a word count. And it was on our 6-month anniversary. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By ItTwasMe - 08/02/2016 22:49 - United States - Kalispell

Today I found out someone deleted the entire database for a customers customer billing software and then I discover the backup had been stopped (manually) over 2 months ago. Now they are asking me where it is, FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By mliajkfml - 08/02/2016 22:48 - United States - Irving

Today, I remembered how last night my husband had a sex dream and kept going "Ashley... Ashley..." Before he came. Ashley is our newly legal daughter's name. Now I'm praying that he's cheating on me. FML

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You deserved it 1

By js48 - 08/02/2016 22:39 - United States - Marinette

Today, I found out that I was conceived during a 3-some. My dad and two girls, turns out he got both of them pregnant that is why my half brother is six days older than me, and why my mom hates his mom. FML

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You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 08/02/2016 22:25 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today my boyfriend asked me for a butt pic. I took several from different angles...front and back. Instead of sending them to him I sent them to my mom...Fml

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You deserved it 1

By sky_R03 - 08/02/2016 22:23 - United States - Pampa

Today, my coach was helping another group on their weight lifting technic. my group had gotten behind, so we were still doing bench press. My spotters had been to busy watching the other group to realize I had dropped the bar and was choking. FML.

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You deserved it 1

By Izzamee - 08/02/2016 22:22 - United States - Madison

Today, my sister got married. Her husband is my ex husband. FML

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By Toilet Humour - 08/02/2016 22:19 - United Kingdom - Skelmersdale

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I guess it's too bad that it's caused me to shart my rectum out my anus for the last half hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 08/02/2016 22:06 - United Kingdom - Haywards Heath

Today, I sent my girlfriend a dick pic. But girls share everything, so she decided to send it to her best friend, who just so happens to be the girlfriend of my best friend. Now he's pissed at her for having a picture of my dick on her phone. FML

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You deserved it 0

By arrgghh - 08/02/2016 22:04 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I decided buy a Filofax to try to help to organise the chaos that is my life at the moment. Two hours later and I've lost it. FML

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By Anonymous - 08/02/2016 21:58 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I get paid horribly at my new job. My boss has been talking about the big bonus I'd get for putting up with it for a solid year. I got a $1 an hour raise. FML.

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By Anonymous - 08/02/2016 21:53 - United States - Westbury

Today, we had a performance and I really had to go to the bathroom. We were singing "Let it go." I let it go. FML

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By Skyfoogle - 08/02/2016 21:53 - United Kingdom - Boston

Today, my 12-year-old brother told me that we could save the population of fish by releasing them into the sea after we eat them. FML

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By Cutlassocga98 - 08/02/2016 21:52 - United States - Evansville

Today, I went to the restroom im my local library only to see a homeless man touching himself in front of the door..... direct eye contact was made...... FML

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend has severe dog phobia, and a dog off its lead ran up to him in a car park. He panicked and tried to jump into the car, but the door hit it in the head and it started fitting and seizing. About three people called the police and the dog's owner broke our car window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 126

You deserved it 281

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months asked me to spend the night at his apartment for the first time. I had to poop really bad when I got there, so I used his only bathroom. He went after me, and came out a few seconds later, gagging. Apparently, I clogged his toilet. FML

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You deserved it 7 047

Today, my boyfriend told me he had a catphobia, but I forgot to tell him my mom has a new kitten, so when we went round he freaked out so much trying to escape this tiny kitten following him, it reminded me very much of Captain Hook trying to escape being eaten by the crocodile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 373

You deserved it 708

Today, while at work in a medical office, I had the itchiest and most distracting bug bite. I went the supply closet and got an alcohol cleansing wipe to help cool it off. It worked great but I was then fired for theft for using what costs less than a tenth of a cent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 658

You deserved it 111

Today, I thought it would be romantic to propose to my girlfriend during halftime at a local football game. I arranged everything with the stadium staff. When the moment came, I got down on one knee, only for her to hiss, "Are you serious? Right here?" She ran off, leaving me kneeling in front of hundreds of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 181

You deserved it 880

I don't do surprises.

I agree, your life sucks 270

You deserved it 235