Nearly FMLs

By Not worth the hype? - 08/04/2018 09:49 - Canada - Ajax

Today, I lost my virginity to another guy. It would have been great except he jerked me off inside my boxers, humped my ass for 5 minutes, finished himself off by rubbing his dick on my feet before leaving. Now my ass hurts, my boxers are sticky and I have cum all over my feet. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 47

By BernieMac - 08/04/2018 15:40

Today, I found out my “girlfriend” is cheating on me. My friend sent snaps of her lying to me saying she was at work when she was at a hotel with another man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 6

By JacksonN - 08/04/2018 09:12 - United States - New York

Today, I spent about 30 minutes squeezing my new car into a tiny NYC parking space. I left my car for a few hours. I can back to find 2 tickets on the windshield and a huge dent from where someone backed into me. I have a $500 ticket and $2500 in repairs from the BMW dealership. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76

You deserved it 25

By "broken man" - 08/04/2018 09:19

Today, my at the time fiancee accidentally called me while she was having a conversation with one of her friends about the guy she's been seeing behind my back and how she's planning to go slow with him their relationship. When I called and confronted her about it, she tried to lie and say I misheard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85

You deserved it 7

By Anonymous - 08/04/2018 07:23

Today, my boyfriend freaked out on me for liking another guy's picture on Facebook. The picture was of him and his girlfriend. I liked it because they're a cute couple and I'm happy for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85

You deserved it 10

By Venuedude - 08/04/2018 07:05

Today, a one night stand came through my line at work. She didn't see it was me. Then she did and made an ew face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 18

By "Sarah Bassett" - 08/04/2018 06:14

Today, while getting my baby ready for bed, I got a serious case of the runs. My husband was at work so I had to run back and forth between the bathroom and nursery hoping I didn't miss the toilet or she start crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 6

By Anonymous - 07/04/2018 23:56 - Australia

Today, I was excited about trying a virtual reality headset until I learnt it gives me motion sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 7

By Mad World - 08/04/2018 05:02

Today, I've been on two dating sites for two years. The guys I like don't message me back. But no worries, I've been getting lots of messages- from grown men who, among other things, tell me I'm "still" pretty without makeup, ask if I like Elmo, or are old enough to be my grandfather. WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 12

By summersweden - 08/04/2018 03:34

Today, I was cuddling my cat when my dad slammed the door. My cat got frightened and jumped directly in my face. I have two scratches over my eye and one on my nose. I can’t open my eye completely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 11

By attach - 08/04/2018 03:12

Today, I introduced myself to my crush, who is totally friendly with everyone else he meets. He immediately told me to kill myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

By Anonymous - 07/04/2018 22:33

Today, I was told, “We should not have had a kid. We moved way too fast.” We were engaged prior to pregnancy and have been together for 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 9

By Anonymous - 07/04/2018 22:31

Today, a guy told me that my body is not proportional because even though I stand at mere 5ft, my cup size is a 36DD. But not to worry, some guys might like that.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 7

By "TheZombieGirl" - 07/04/2018 21:32

Today, after a long day of work at a reptile habitat, I went home to lay down to rest my eyes for a moment and I felt something crawling up my leg. Due to past experiences I thought it was a spider. I quickly pulled the covers off and it was a rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 4

By "star" - 07/04/2018 15:48

Today, my younger sister was supposed to bring her new boyfriend over to meet the family. I woke up in my shorts & a tank top with messy hair and yesterday's mascara to find my ex boyfriend hugging my sister in our living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 121

You deserved it 8

By Swollen Lip - 07/04/2018 04:36 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I learned that you can get a pimple on the bottom of your top lip, where your mouth closes. It both hurts horrifically and tastes disgusting at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 6

By Anonymous - 07/04/2018 11:27

Today, I was reading the news. Turns out that the guy to whom I lost my virginity well over 10 years ago has been convicted of desecrating a number of bodies. Seems the then-nice dude went down a heavy drug route, got into some "debt" with the wrong folks, and... I shagged a serial killer. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 9

By Ariane - 07/04/2018 09:16

Today, I am worried about my aging husband's memory problems. While we were shopping, I decided to test him with a list of 10 words that he would have to remember and repeat one hour later. Three hours later, he said to me: "You know, you forgot to ask me about these words!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 66

By InsertGoodUsernameHere - 07/04/2018 05:13

Today, I went to my first 100 meter dash competition. My school needed me to get at least 3rd to win the competition, out of 8 people. I was easily in 1st, until I lost my footing and wiped out. Around 1,000 kids my age just saw me lose the whole competition for us, in the stupidest way ever. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 13

By Sendhelp - 07/04/2018 10:36 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I’m incredibly ill and began coughing to the point of vomiting. Turns out my 5 year old daughter inherited my weak stomach and one look at me vomiting caused her to barf everywhere. My husband doesn’t get home for another 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 8

By Anonymous - 07/04/2018 02:58

Today, I lied to my friends and told them I have plans to go to a wicked bonfire/party. They all showed up at my house while I was watching Shrek 2 and eating ice cream from the tub to find out where the party's at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 100

By Anonymous - 07/04/2018 09:34 - Australia - Preston

Today, I put my hand into my half full box of m&ms, grabbed a handful and started eating them. Then I noticed a single piece of mouse poo stuck to my finger. There’s only one place it could’ve come from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 8

By "Lisa Nicole Myers" - 07/04/2018 01:04

I overheard one of my younger sisters tell our mom that's she's moving to Chicago to be with her new boyfriend, she met online even though she knows he already has a girlfriend, and is going to find a sugar daddy on the side so she doesn't have to work. She already bought a one way plane ticket.

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 6

By Nope - 07/04/2018 00:20

Today, my uncle got drunk and told my sister and I where we were each conceived. I don't know which is worse: that I will never think of New Zealand or Greece in the same way, or that at some point my mother felt comfortable sharing this information with her brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 11

By vegantreegirl - 06/04/2018 13:29 - United States - Newhall

Today, I used the last of my money to put a little gas in my tank. I drove in to work to pick up my paycheck. Payday is next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 14

By Too Big - 06/04/2018 14:55 - United States - Havertown

Today, it was the first day a girl said I was big. She was talking about my ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 6

By Hypocrite - 06/04/2018 20:21

Today, I had to watch my 9 year old cousin while his parents were out for the day. He is very accident prone and my house is pretty big, so I told him not to leave anything lying around. A minute later, he tripped and fell flat on his face. The culprit? A pair of shoes I left lying around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 32

By Drunkndumb - 06/04/2018 17:12

Today, my friends and I decided to sleep in the car after a party so we didn't have to drive because we had all been drinking. I woke up in the backseat with my friends doing donuts on my school lawn before we ran into a fire hydrant and through two fences ending up in the neighbor's backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 62

By Thiskidkim - 06/04/2018 17:12

Today, while at work, I got called into HR. I was given a write up for causing a "hostile work environment" by telling my boss that another co-worker threatened to beat my ass. I was sent home without pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103

You deserved it 5

By Casper - 06/04/2018 10:15 - United States - Bordentown

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time in a few weeks, it was great and I was really into it, but unfortunately for me, right as I was about to cum I let out a small but surprising fart. He couldn't continue, instead he laughed for a minute straight while still inside me. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 15

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The Top

Today, working as an EMT on an ambulance, we had a patient who refused to accept that he had a massive GI bleed, despite the fact that bloody stool was flowing from his anus all over my ambulance. To make things worse, my EMT ride-along student puked all over the patient. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 341

You deserved it 2 328

Today, I got a call from a girl I know, asking if I could babysit her little brother at my house tonight. I said yes. When the boy came over, he mentioned that his sister was having a party and didn't want him there. Turns out all my friends were invited except me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 276

You deserved it 4 648

Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 213

You deserved it 7 951

Today, I got in my sister's car outside the movie theater and started talking about the movie. When I realized she wasn't saying anything, I looked up to see my ex-boyfriend sitting in the drivers seat. I got in the wrong car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 301

You deserved it 16 151

Today, I'm super sick with a sinus infection and delirious from a lack of sleep and all the meds. When I walked into math class, a boy asked if he could sit next to me. In my head I tried to say, "This is college you have the freedom to sit anywhere you want." All that came out was, "Freedom… everywhere." FML

I agree, your life sucks 666

You deserved it 230

Today, my parents met my boyfriend for the first time. They spent the entire meal trying to convince him to dump me, all while I was sitting right next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 619

You deserved it 395