Nearly FMLs

By Nikki - 29/05/2018 00:38

Today, I had a male friend over who has been trying to get past his feelings for me, and he sat on the edge of my bed while I showed him something. Uncomfortable, he adjusted some pillows and pulled out a vibrator from my boyfriend and I the night before. He promptly left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 79

By Anonymous - 28/05/2018 23:27

Today, I was studying for an exam that’s coming up. I started worrying and went online to see how other people were preparing for the exam. I ended up fainting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 13

By Steve - 28/05/2018 23:27

Today, I learned my deadbeat father in another state said to my mom the reason I have CFS (caused by genetics) is her shitty parenting. It is apparently hers and my fault I will be bedridden with unbearableness pain for the rest of my life. Thanks douche! FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 3

By Uncle Fester - 28/05/2018 23:14

Today, my girlfriend and I watched the Addams Family Values and joked about our future relationship goals. Later, I text her "Hey sexy Morticia." My phone attracted it to "Patricia" and she's now convinced I'm cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 12

By "Dale Gulley" - 28/05/2018 16:01

Today, my wife got wasted, confessed to an affair with her bisexual friend. Then suggested a threesome. Immediately afterwards, says I like the friend more and want a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 16

By gaybardancer - 28/05/2018 14:40 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I was at a gay bar and this dude held out his hands in front of me to dance. I grabbed them and started trying to dance with him, but he very quickly slapped me away. It turns out he was holding out his hands for his girlfriend, who was standing right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 25

By Vacay vomit - 28/05/2018 15:21

Today, it's a holiday, and my first non-sick day in about 5 months. My dog marked the occasion by vomiting loudly at 6 am. Who needs alarm clocks? FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

By Anonymous - 28/05/2018 14:22

Today, two weeks after I turned down my dream job abroad because my fiancé wouldn’t be able to go with me, she left me because the guy she agreed to marry would have been brave enough to take the job. Her ass-backwards logic boggles my mind FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 12

By Loki - 28/05/2018 08:36

Today, I saw my middle school bully, who is now an adult, for the first time in 10 years. He gave me a wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 8

By Anonymous - 28/05/2018 07:19

Today, a client came demanding a refund for her puppy she bought from me because she wanted a pure bred lab (I'm a licenced lab breeder). She believes the pup is mixed because the father is yellow and the mother is black and there was no convincing her otherwise even with the pedigree papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 10

By Cheated - 28/05/2018 00:22

Today, I came home to find my wife naked in bed... with my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 151

You deserved it 6

By Happens - 27/05/2018 22:41

Today, My mom noticed a few small bottles of liquid in my art supply drawer and began to interrogate me on if it was lube while rummaging through my other drawers looking for sex toys. The bottles were my paint mediums, with "Flow Improver" and "Varnish" clearly printed on the labels.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 27/05/2018 16:13 - United States

Today, my soon-to-be ex-wife took all of the honeymoon money to get married to some random guy she met on our honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 4

By Demented - 27/05/2018 14:34 - United States - Smithfield

Today, my client, who has dementia, caught me crying over my relationship with my boyfriend who has severe bipolar disorder, after he dropped me off after a rage. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "I know how you feel. I'm a prisoner in my own mind.". FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 4

By "Araxie" - 27/05/2018 18:10

Today, I was going out for a bike ride, and my parents agreed to stay up and let me back in when I got back because we didn't have a spare key. I rode my bike before starting to feel sick, so I rode back vomiting. When I came back my parents were asleep. Spent the night sick in the yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 8

By Anonymous - 27/05/2018 18:08

Today, I was babysitting my 7 Year old sister. My parents had gone out on a date night, so I decided to go upstairs and watch TV. I saw my parents pull up from my window. I walked downstairs. She had managed to set the microwave on fire. I'm now grounded and can't go to my end of year ball. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 97

By Loz - 27/05/2018 10:46

Today, I told my boyfriend that I’m pregnant. He dumped me because we have different lifestyles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91

You deserved it 9

By Anonymous - 26/05/2018 22:28 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my family got our new puppy from a dog breeder. It turns out that, not only has this dog been severely abused, but the breeder looked exactly like me- the dog barks, whimpers, and pees every time he sees me. They will not get rid of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 11

By Anonymous - 26/05/2018 22:18 - United States - Arlington

Today, I went outside for a smoke, and feeling liquid on my face, I thought it was raining. Looking up, I saw two hawks flying overhead. It wasn't raining. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 8

By jason - 27/05/2018 03:22

Today, I dropped my phone in the river so I bought a new one. My baby brother, then took my new phone to play games on, got angry that the new phone didn't have any games installed and threw it out of the car window at 45mph. I owned that new phone for about 20 minutes after leaving the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84

You deserved it 34

By soaked - 26/05/2018 18:25 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I looked at the incoming clouds and decided that I could make the 15 minute walk home before the thunderstorm hit. I was wrong. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 11

By nickyloren - 26/05/2018 22:57 - Germany - Karlsruhe

Today, I got very drunk. As I was walking home, I couldn't hold it any longer and peed in my pants. I dashed to the restroom in my apartment, took a shower and gave my pants a good rinse - with my phone in it. It won't boot now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 79

By Anonymous - 26/05/2018 20:05

Today, I found out my wife, who has been claiming didn't want sex with anyone, is pregnant with another man's child. She blamed me for " not knowing how to have sex". FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 12

By Anonymous - 26/05/2018 00:12

Today, I woke up late. When I got to work, people were either smiling at me weirdly or shaking their head & I didn't understand why. It was only when I took off my uniform at the end of the day & saw that I had my bright neon pink sports bra on. I'm a nurse & my uniform was WHITE. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85

You deserved it 31

By Anonymous - 25/05/2018 19:58

Today, I walked in on my son trying to get the dog to make out with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101

You deserved it 8

By toothlessthedragon - 25/05/2018 17:48

Today, was the start of my new job as a cashier. I felt really nervous and queasy, so I made myself some toast hoping to settle my stomach. I broke and swallowed my front tooth eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 8

By calm down sharon - 25/05/2018 14:17

Today, I spent 4-hour long bus drive sitting behind a group of drunk people in their 40s, acting like they were on a plane to Vegas. Halfway through, my boss called me. I couldn't hear a thing and I told him so. They heard and spent the next 2 hours pretending to be on their phone, insulting me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 7

By Anonymous - 25/05/2018 05:37

Today, my boyfriend made me so mad that I peed myself in front of him during our argument. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 62

By Ash - 25/05/2018 03:02

Today, I was driving to my friends house and came up to a red light. Naturally, I look over and this guy has the same car as me, color and everything. It’s a very uncommon car and is bright orange. He looks over at me and I smile really big and give him a wave. He flips me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88

You deserved it 14

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I dropped a brand new jar of molasses into the corner of my completely white kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 803

You deserved it 472

Today, I was in art class in which we were drawing mythical creatures. I spent the entire hour and a half drawing a Minotaur, which turned out extremely well. It turned out so well that the teacher thought I had traced it, and told me to start over right before the bell rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 820

You deserved it 130

Today, it was my first day as an animal control officer. My first dispatch was to collect a dog that had been hit by a car. I had to clean up my dead dog on my first day of a job that barely pays rent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 528

You deserved it 4 231

Today, I was at the airport getting ready to go to Hawaii. The guy at the counter said my flight was delayed. It turns out that the flight that was delayed was a flight going to Miami. My flight left at the regular time, and my luggage was on it, because I checked in the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 500

You deserved it 3 744

Today, I met one of my fiancé's coworkers. Normally I'd never ask how far along someone's pregnancy is without being 100% sure they're not just fat, but she seemed fit. Well, I now know that virtually all the fat in some people's bodies can go straight to their gut and nowhere else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 852

You deserved it 6 387

Today, I got my car cleaned. As I drove home, the passenger of the van in front of me vomited out the window. The vomit sailed back and splattered all over the front of my car. A waste of £10 and a mental image that will never go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 243

You deserved it 3 419