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October 2012

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Today, I contemplated the ratio of cats I have to friends I have. I need more friends. FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2012 at 1:33am / United States / Animals

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a romantic date to a botanical garden in the hills. A giant bushfire erupted in the hills on our way, meaning we're now stuck out here because the roads are closed. So romantic. FML

by not even a sexy bushfire / 10/25/2012 at 12:27pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Love

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 5 years back. Still bitter, I said, "Hey baby, you remember riding me 5 years ago?" I was then punched in the face and restrained until the police arrived. She'd been having an 8 year anniversary dinner with her husband. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2012 at 2:26pm / United States / Love

Today, a man with a clipboard came up to me in the street to ask me if I was happy with my life insurance. I couldn't bring myself to admit to him that I'm so clueless about my own life that I wasn't sure I was even happy with the Twix I was eating at the time. FML

by Anonymous / 09/30/2012 at 8:49pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I cleaned out my house and placed multiple boxes of clothes and books in my two-seated truck to take to the Goodwill. While turning onto the highway, everything tumbled on top of me, sending me crashing into a guardrail. FML

by Anonymous / 10/08/2012 at 1:27pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that every targeted advertisement on my Facebook involves gym memberships and diet pills. FML

by liveviathetredmill / 10/01/2012 at 4:04pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, my husband was planning on getting me my favorite movie as an anniversary present; I ended up buying it. He had to give me the money and leave because he is severely arachnophobic and couldn't even pick up the box. I have to hide the movie for fear of it being destroyed. Again. FML

by Anonymous / 10/26/2012 at 11:20am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML

by cumhole / 10/09/2012 at 10:32pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I was singing one of my favorite songs in my car while at a red light. A guy made it a point to get my attention and said, "If you're really going to sing that bad, you should probably roll your windows up." FML

by Anonymous / 10/21/2012 at 12:24am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I've been a vegan for a year. It's also the day that I met my dad's new best friend, who happens to be a retired butcher. They tried to pull an intervention on me for not "being sensible" by eating meat. FML

by Jlhfan90 / 10/03/2012 at 11:34am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was riding the subway home with some friends, and when I noticed something smelled awful. My friends noticed it too. After searching for the source of the smell, it became apparent that it was my breath. FML

by halitosis / 10/01/2012 at 3:18am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I went out and made build-a-bears that looked like my daughter and her new boyfriend. It turns out she had been insisting that I didn't for a good reason; upon sight of his, her boyfriend screamed and fled the house. Turns out he was nearly mauled to death by a bear. FML

by ScaryBears / 10/08/2012 at 9:51pm / United States (Connecticut) / Kids

Today, I went on a date to the movies with this guy I kinda like. When he was driving me home, he asked me to be his girlfriend; I said I couldn’t because it was really bad timing. He kicked me out of the car, called me an asshole, and made me walk home. FML

by lonerboner / 10/03/2012 at 9:47am / United States / Miscellaneous