Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one hand, and a radio strapped to the dash blasting country music at unimaginable volume. Neither of us live on a farm. Half the neighborhood stood angrily glaring at us until we went inside. FML
Today, while having a screaming argument with my son in our front yard, I suddenly realized we are "that white trash family" in the neighborhood. FML
Today, I went with my family to go see a notoriously creepy abandoned house. We noticed the people had left a lot of stuff behind so we loaded up the car with books, records, etc. As we were leaving, we saw the family who lived there drive up. I robbed a house with my grandma. FML
Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML
Today, my idiot redneck next door neighbor decided to throw an empty whipped cream spray can into a fire to watch it explode and scare half the neighborhood. That idiot redneck next door neighbor is also my 65 year-old dad. FML
Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML
Today, my redneck mother, who I parted ways from years ago, found out I became wealthy in my 30s so she turned up at my house, thinking she could just move in. Then she tried to demand the money I owed for giving birth to me, and camped on my lawn until I called the cops, FML
Today, I offered to help out at my grandpa's farm, and he had me load buckets of water into his trunk. When he came by and saw me struggling to lift a bucket, he sneered, called me a moron for filling it up before putting it in the truck, and told me to just go home. FML
Today, after recently complaining that the reality show "The Great Norway Adventure" portrays us as a country of nationalistic rednecks, I saw my drunk dad chasing my uncle on a tractor while bellowing the national anthem at the top of his lungs. FML
Today, my parents said that we're never going to see our grandparents again because my grandpa hit my asshole little brother with a belt for calling him a boomer. I love my grandparents so much but my parents won't listen. FML
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Top comments
MrClean17 15
*banjo noise in background*
robotiick7 23
Does your grandpa sit in a rocking chair in front with a shotgun in his lap?
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Comments (82)
MrClean17 15
*banjo noise in background*
Jemm_fml 29
*sees comment*... *closes window*. I'm far too old to be laughing this hard.
GuessWhatKids 13
You're too old to be laughing hard? What?
1PersonIsMyWorld 22
You're never too old to laugh...but what's closing the window have to do with it?
Daschundman 17
I was just hoping it ended in, "Then he got in his tractor and left in rage"
fareith 15
It was the moonshine talking...
Djjooze 4
Kissing cousins"
jerzjay 17
Nothing like good family bonding time
Pudagiah 12
Knowledge is power, OP! Now you know and can stop yourself from falling into the cycle of redneck-ery :-)
timelessone 16
They've become self aware we're doomed!
LeFrogDog 27
you might be a redneck if...
Pleonasm 36
You sure it wasn't about moonshine?
hawright 13
Hold up now, tires??? I'd smash your uncle's trailer up too. Now how will your grandpa move his home? Inconsiderate bastard.
1PersonIsMyWorld 22
Come on now... Oklahomans aren't that redneck.
jess1987 17
most Oklahomans aren't rednecks at all. but thanks for talking shit about my state right after our natural disaster.
ksks1234 33
Why did you point out Oklahoma specifically? Does it say the op is from Oklahoma? My app just shows country. Also, we might be redneck, but we stand together and help in times of tragedy.
RedPillSucks 33
It says Washington on the web site. I assume Washington state and not DC. Neither sounds like big redneck territory to me, but then, rednecks are everywhere.
jess1987 17
people talking shit about Oklahoma really pisses me off. we just suffered a great loss in Moore, and have to deal with the westboro Baptist wackjobs threatening to protest children's funerals!
neeni88 23
I believe 29 is an Oklahoman herself, hence the reference. And I'm sure she is not trying to offend Oklahomans, which would in essence mean she'd be insulting herself. It's just a light-hearted comment. However, my deepest sympathies to all Oklahomans affected by the recent natural disaster.
xx000o 27
Now you are knocking my neighbors. There might be one or two "necks" down there, could be them.
RedPillSucks 33
@jess1987 - Seriously? Westboro baptists are protesting the funeral with their bigoted and homophobic rants?
jess1987 17
yep. they said God sent the tornado because Kevin Durant is supportive of a gay NBA player.
jess1987 17
and just because she lives in Oklahoma doesn't mean she is an Oklahoman, we don't tend to talk shit about our state.
hawright 13
Whoa now, this has gotten way out if proportion. I, myself, am Oklahoman and love it. Contrary to normal opinion, I am proud to be a redneck. Hell, I have a coonskin cap on. I was simply making jest of the situation, never mentioning Oklahoma. I love the state I am from and will die in this state as well. I, too, feel terrible about the recent tornadoes that have hit Moore and Shawnee and have been aiding in the recovery efforts.
jess1987 17
nothing of what I said was directed at you, you said nothing about Oklahoma. I was also born and raised in God's country. it just bothers me when people talk negatively about this great state!
Faff 20
59- you're saying Oklahoma is an israeli state?
neeni88 23
59, Relax! No one was even saying anything bad about Oklahoma. It was just light-hearted jests about being a "redneck", which from I can see, most people find humorous whether they identify as a "redneck" or not. Stop taking it so seriously.
1PersonIsMyWorld 22
Neeni thank u. Apparently you and maybe a few others get me. I was joking around coz the commenter was from Oklahoma and he looks and sounds redneck-ish! (no offense to u hawright) and yes I am also from Okla and I live right by Moore so I know everything that has went down. Just chill out and learn to take things not so seriously. laugh! smile!
SirMichael 13
#44 Rednecks are everywhere, and we have more than our fair share of them in Washington state.
robotiick7 23
Does your grandpa sit in a rocking chair in front with a shotgun in his lap?
SystemofaBlink41 27
Or come out of the barn screaming "YEEE-HAW!" with two buckets of milk?
LeFrogDog 27
do they have a spittoon at key points of the house
Wizardo 34
I think the History channel has a new reality TV show...
LeFrogDog 27
thought there was a show called honey boo boo *shudders
finnrambo 13
cant be honey boo boo, wouldn't need an excavator if that was the case, honey boo boo's mom could just sit on the trailer (quiet down wasn't trying to make a sentence)
skip_m 6
Here's your sign.
LeFrogDog 27
GIT R DUNE
Jac_d_ipper 10
**** the fight! OP you should be on warpath. Who the hell gets suspended while their sexual harassment claim is being investigated? Either you ****** around with hotshots, or may be you didn't **** around...
Jac_d_ipper 10
FML indeed, wrong comment on wrong post, I am ready to be thumbed down, think im too drunk already TGIF.
djxerxes9000 18
For a second I thought I had commented on the wrong post, then chuckled at your drunken reply to yourself.
djxerxes9000 18
How do you a know a redneck invented the toothbrush? If anyone else had it would be called a "Teethbrush"
1PersonIsMyWorld 22
Genius!
gc327072 31
Old but gold