Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing so fast recently isn't because my son is wanking like a gibbon as I first thought. He's just been using our shredder to make streamers out of the stuff, then hiding it all in a box in his closet. Fucking hell, son. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, after a day, I finally noticed that the toilet paper I'd been using to wipe my butt is actually a roll of paper towel cut in half. My dad thinks that it's a waste of money to buy proper paper. Guess who had to unclog the toilet twice. FML
Today, in desperate need of a shit, I quickly ran into a shop to buy toilet paper. I rushed home and unleashed, only to realise I'd bought paper towels. Without options, I had to wipe my ass with them and consequently blocked the toilet. I found rolls of toilet paper while looking for the plunger. FML
Today, my 4 year old son thought it was funny to put money in the shredder. He stuck over 500 dollars in it. FML
Today, my household ran out of toilet paper so we have to shower after every dump. My mom just confessed that she does in fact have money for shit tickets, but won't buy any because it's the only way she can get my brother to shower. FML
Today, my 6-year-old son apparently decided to make a game out of clogging the toilet with toilet paper. He won, and now the whole basement is flooded. FML
Today, as I realized I'm too broke to go out and get more toilet paper, I noticed my cat chewing on something and tearing it apart. It was my last roll. FML
Today, my friend explained to me that the toilet paper in his bathroom is "just for show." Now I know why his hamper smells like shit. FML
Today, I was wondering why my home smelled so weird, until I found out that my 4 year old son had been secretly scattering around food he didn't like to eat throughout the house. How did I find out? No one else in this family leaves half eaten spinach all over my underwear drawer. FML
Today, and for weeks now, I was sure my underwear was going missing. I found out why. My husband's brother has been stealing them whenever he visits, presumably to masturbate with. I literally caught him shoving an unwashed pair into his pocket he'd stolen from my laundry pile. Creep. FML
Today, I gave my son a bollocking for losing a very important paper that I needed for work. I've just found it in my right pocket. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
Top comments
feelingold 18
You'd rather he was wanking like a gibbon?? *Parenting five*
auzziegirl1938 22
Follow up story? I'm actually curious why he wants streamers out of toilet paper...
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (81)
kcpestwick 15
Umm, wtf?
Yeshua_fml 19
Which to prefer? Hmmm.
LeFrogDog 27
Whew, I thought he was eating it.
incoherentrmblr 21
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Hoarding is a problem, but your own ****, is down right crazy and narcissistic...
incoherentrmblr 21
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
******* bloody wankers... The little prat needs to sod off somewhere... Bullocks to this rubbish!!!...
LittlestV 28
It's 'bollocks', not 'bullocks'. If you're going to imitate a Brit get it right...
RedPillSucks 31
In his defense, autocorrect may have had a hand in that
feelingold 18
You'd rather he was wanking like a gibbon?? *Parenting five*
MisUnFortunate 31
Well at least that'd mean he was using it instead of hoarding it in useless shreds.
feelingold 18
using and abusing...
gingaa96 18
Agreed, OP should count his blessings
itsellie27 9
What's wrong with him wanking?
Vitotaylor36 13
What the **** is a gibbon anyway???
MidnaLink 33
A species of primate.
pimrol 16
sinterklaas!
RedPillSucks 31
What the hell does Santa Claus have to do which this?
feelingold 18
well hello there
darkfireflame 15
At least he'd e using the TP for a relatively constructive purpose XD
auzziegirl1938 22
Follow up story? I'm actually curious why he wants streamers out of toilet paper...
MrsPegg 45
Epic rolling/TP prank? I wish I would've thought of that...
mb2_native 15
Maybe saving for a wackathon to make his parents proud? Ya never know in todays society haha
Mynameislinh 24
Maybe he's prepping for prom?
weveallbeenthere 30
wanking like a gibbon. Lmao
CelticSkye 13
"******* hell, son." I lol'd at that!
NiceGuysDoWin 21
'wanking like a gibbon' is my new favorite quote.
kieron2013 19
That's a surprisingly well used quote here in England.
WordAficionada 19
Haha; what the hell?!
cwl727 32
Toss them around his room for punishment.
thatnucca 36
I can't decide which of the two is worse? Either way, he's still a moron...
DomiLove 26
Well if he was "wanking" at least that'd be somewhat useful.... The streamers, well he could make that out of other things, or, you know, buy some.
RedPillSucks 31
Or he could be making the streamers AFTER wanking like a gibbon
sicksadworld1317 30
The way this was worded was just . . . great. You should tell him to get a grip on that. On second thought, maybe not.
foxwasalamb 24
why the **** would anybody stash shredded bits of toilet paper?
Llama_Face89 33
Especially if they're not wanking like a gibbon.. :
mario2012 18
I guess he likes to have his cumuppance.