Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML
Today, I was watching a crime drama with my parents. During a tense moment, I casually said, "Oh, I know how to hide a body." They both stared at me in horror, and I had to explain that I meant from watching too many true crime videos on YouTube, not from actual experience. FML
Today, I was talking on the phone about how my son's babysitter is an absolute sicko, that she smoked weed next to my baby, that she smells bad, etc. I literally said her full name and the way she looks. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder; it was her, and she'd heard absolutely everything. FML
Today, I overheard my mother-in-law and sister-in-law over the baby monitor. They were talking about how much better off my daughter would be if I were to die. FML
Today, while my husband was at work, he missed our son saying his first word ("Dada"), taking his first steps and smashing the widescreen TV with a well-aimed teddy bear. Care to guess which of these three things made my husband cry. FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML
Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML
Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML
Today, I found out that the "burglar" I caught, punched, and tied up for the cops was actually my wife's secret lover. FML
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Top comments
cmayer 20
Maybe he didn't forget the baby monitor and he was just messing with you.
Pleonasm 35
Look for those slides with drops of blood.
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Comments (74)
bybib 20
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Why would you tell any child that of any age? I hope it was a joke or something.
cristy91 33
Because Dexter is a great show and seeing holding his baby reminded him of that scene. It's kind of like people who raise their pets how Simba was raised in the Lion King, they usually don't have a specific reason for doing it other than they feel like it.
bybib 20
Ah ok. I have never seen the show so I didn't realize there was a scene or something similar. I thought he wasnjust randomly telling his kid a quote from the show.
bamagrl410 31
That's what I thought too. Still a little creepy though.
meihua 19
Which episode is that in?
depocadoll 15
Check the air conditioning vent for blood slides. Ha! :)
izzie321 27
So tell me, what's your favorite memory as a newborn?
Miaku 11
Oh yes, children always remember everything as a newborn.
Pleonasm 35
Look for those slides with drops of blood.
kenleybunch 15
Or the chest of killing supplies!
izzie321 27
Look in the closet and basement.
Teyros 24
Just watch the amount of garbage bags he goes through!
Tavers 19
Remember to look inside the AC.
octopussperm125 18
I hope they have central air and not a stand alone
drjohnnyboy 15
I wouldn't take chances, that's intense....investigation time, OP! Good luck
Joe9024 20
And we've found a culprit! JohnnyBoyDidIt, and we have a full confession!
sniken 14
Hopefully just a joke, but you should really figure that out for sure!
bballer4life895 13
Hopefully he's like dexter and it's just bad people!
Soloman212 28
More specifically serial killers, not just any "bad" person.
niqniq935 5
Or child rapists
cmayer 20
Maybe he didn't forget the baby monitor and he was just messing with you.
Ghazzie 7
LOL that sounds like something I would do, for sure.
cstrife7 4
I wouldn't take it seriously, I say ridiculous things all the time when i know my wife can hear me on the monitor.
Thesmiles 3
wishful thinking
GreekYogurt 26
It is probably the case.
jmar411 12
Is he an overly funny guy? If so, may he meant it more like "daddy kills people with laughter" or something like that.
SuperDanielNL 23
Tried a bit to hard I guess.
Success4444 12
You tried a bit *too hard, too.
crissybear 8
Wow... That's pretty intense..
J08J 20
What's a baby monitor? Sorry if I sound dumb but I am not from an English-speaking country.
bybib 20
It's a one way radio. parwntsnplace the transmitter nin the babys room and receiver bin the room they a r ebin so they can hear if the baby wakes or crys.
bybib 20
Ok wow my phone tweaked. Transmitter is placed in babys room, reciever where parents are. Parents can then hear when baby crys from another room.
beatlegirl27 20
A baby monitor is when you have a speaker in the baby's room and one in your bedroom and/or kitchen. It's so you can hear the baby cry
J08J 20
Ok, thank you for your help
SystemofaBlink41 27
You have better grammar than some people who ARE from an English speaking country, so props to you.
photogodess 13
It's a voice monitor ( walkie talkies) one monitor is in the baby room and the other is with the parents. so parents can hear if the new born child is crying or awake. Most people don't buy them any more.
ozpunker 20
If you asked him, he could tell you; but he'd have to... Well, you know.
Joe9024 20
Its an Ancient Chinese Secret....
depocadoll 15
Not necessarily... Deb knows, and we can only find out how he's going to handle the situation. Not everyone who knows has to die. I mean, true he did share his secret with Lila (?) and Trinity and they ended up in plastic, but they were nuts and needed to be killed anyway. I mean as long as you're cool with it. Lol
angelofmusic113 9
You win the Internet!