Today, fifteen minutes after dinner was served, my blind date said, "It's good that you're smart. Not to be rude, but most girls aren't. I mean, at some point, I'm going to pull my dick out of your mouth and then it's good if you have something interesting to say." Check please. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went on a blind date. At the end of the night, I told him I had a surprisingly great time. He replied, "Yeah, that was fun. You're really funny and smart. If you were pretty, I'd totally go out with you again." FML
Today, ten minutes into a blind date, my date said, "I don't mean to be rude, but... your face? It's the reason booze was invented." FML
Today, I went on a blind date. The guy greeted me with a "What's up, bitch?", which I wrote off as him just being really laid-back. By dessert, he'd asked me if my boobs are real, then when we finished, asked how many more dates it'd take before I put out. So much for that. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. He took one look at me and said, "Well, we might as well get a drink anyway." FML
Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. The first words that came out of his mouth were, "Rape isn't that bad if you think about it." FML
Today, I went on a blind date. My date would respond to me by saying "retweet" and "favorite" when she thought something was relatable. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. When I arrived, the guy looked nothing like his profile picture. We started chatting, and things were going fine until he asked, “So, what do you think about my date?” I replied, “Uh, I think it’s going well!” He responded, “I was talking about the waitress. I’m married.” FML
Today, I went on a blind date at a local restaurant. When my date walked in, she took one look at me, said "Nope", and walked out. FML
Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. My date took one look at me and said pityingly, "Stuffed your bra, didn't ya? Seriously, why even bother?" The douche then started trying to lecture me on "false advertising". FML
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Top comments
mikemalk123 0
Wow, got yourself a real winner there, apparently he's not quite as brilliant as he thinks you are... Not so sure if I'd say FYL or YDI, but it's funny all the same
uHazFailedTotall 0
He's a keeper, no doubt.
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Comments (226)
jayrock65 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
1
luck003 0
lol.. laying on the charm. Hes a keeper
whatchutalkinbou 0
that's how he rolls I guess
apoll 0
15th
DeeBizz 0
that's ******* hilarious .
fertie226 1
why do all boys treat girls like slam pigs?? have some ******* class!
faxe 0
no we don't 26, it's her fault if she went on a blind date.
relyo 0
At least he was up front about how much of a douchebag he was. Most people wait till after the wedding.
dude0100 0
its spelt cheque not check. dumb bitch.
faxe 0
apparently check is acceptable, but I know how you feel..... been there.
Smilzen 0
Regional spelling, dude. People come from aaallll around the world to publish the latest story of their lives' inevitable downward spiral, and if they're American they'll (we'll) spell it "check". And since we win all the wars, we spell it the right way. Savvy, chavvy?
MattCole 0
He could have been joking. Some people just have an inappropriate sense of humor. Don't get offended so easily. If a girl told me that she was going to have to pull her clit out of my mouth at some point, I wouldn't bitch about it. I would just take it as a joke.
rctack 0
it's sound logic I don't see the problem.....lol. FAIL
werewolflover4ev 0
yeah! I mean, girls are people too!
MattCole 0
No, they aren't. They are sandwich-making dick massagers. Now get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!
Lochcelious 0
Win all the wars? The right way? You're a huge continution to why I'm gettin out of the US military after 7 long years if service to my country.
XxKittyKatxX 3
Ok... he's definitly a keeper! :
jenni305 0
Im an actor, those are hidden cameras and your on Disaster Date !
RoNsAuR 2
49, you started off well but ended on an arrogant note. Won Vietnam did you? I must've been misinformed.
snydsey 0
where the hell do u live... I wanna hang with him
hedgerow 0
wow major dickface
Jessicaiful 0
Aren't blind dates terrible sometimes.. err most times? I once had someone say "Either you makeout with me right now or I'm going to whip out my dick and MAKE you suck it!!!!" People scare me:( Atleast it's over now OP, let's hope he won't stalk you or anything.
abisnail90 0
2
evig_fml 16
this is so funny!
SimSalaBim_fml 0
have some class and spank dat ass!!! FTW! XD
supernice 0
65 thank you for those seven years
Simplyjulie 0
#26 I agree.. Men should treat women equally.. wth is going on with sexism??
raikou95 0
for some reason the sexism is really bad on fmls lol. I really don't know why can anyone explain? or am I just blind in the real world?
ballsmahoney 0
ahhah that made me laugh out loud! if I was the unlucky person sitting next to your table I would have been in hysterics ahah
ButterflyBaby 0
ewww. wow. what a whiny perverted bitchhh.
ButterflyBaby 0
I wouldve just stood up and left. make him pay for it.
Wacuco 0
If you didn't let us(by us I mean the ones that do) then they(ones that do) wouldn't, so it's not fair to say those guys are to blame, take some responsibility and step up! OP. Dudes got problems, excuse yourself to the restroom and out the window with ya'.
ilovefatcats 12
hahhaha I moderated this FML
Tweak24 0
this is great
missmurderx 8
lol 69; that's what I was thinking :D
defaultusername 0
the CUP is half full
RKftw 0
the op was prob just ugly as **** and decided he would might as well have some fun
Smilzen 0
A little late to the punch, I'm sorry. A.) it was a joke. They're all jokes, and American superiority jokes are even better because you inflame the European bloc. This is why I'm destined for the UN. Of course we haven't won ALL the wars, and of course our spelling of "check" wouldn't be any better for it. Though I AM getting a little weary of the irony-defficient and easily offended. B.) I'm about to head INTO the military! That's kind of a non sequitur and I'm sure nobody cares. Enjoy your day.
kelleyb323 0
this is straight out of a movie. I bet you can't guess which.
tillytill99 0
p i m p
Peacewind 0
rofl true
Silense_is_loud 0
gigity gigity gigity goo alllllrrrrriiiiiittttteeeeee!!!!!!!!!! lmao
BobaFunk 0
26 - why do all girls think that making a duckface is classy?? don't be a hypocrite
Skwisgaar123 0
and its is spelled it's but we all make mistakes.
Killerblonde41 2
that is a bit sexist... but some girls deserve it because they are really bitchy, annoying and stupid... I'm a girl and even I see that.... :/
kive 0
I was thinking the same thing.
FailsFTW 0
i see the glass as half empty even when its full...
steve2112886 0
not true
SkeetMaGeet637 1
#49 = OWNAGE!!!
bmdoc9425 0
why do all girls have to lump all guys into one collective group?!? it's called a joke. maybe girls should stop being so goddamn sensitive... but that's to far for a first date. unless he purposely was trying to get her to leave.
bmdoc9425 0
that was directed at number 26 btw.
MichieBabiie 0
So did you say something interesting?
ilikeyouuu 0
You are a moron. That is how we spell it in America... Besides, why are you getting all scary angry for spelling? Tard...
newmanlyman3 8
good work minions. now go F**K HER!! * cheers*
azzizam 0
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH
raineydayes 0
3!!!! (if anyone wonders why I said three....you obviously can count!)
Philosophic 0
72 - The big picture, please. The US, we created modern Democracy - therefore, we win. Vietnam was a fluke, anyways - wasn't even our war, so therefore we cannot 'lose', we just 'failed to aid.' Kicked Britain's ass, kicked Russia's ass (cold war), would've kicked Cuba's ass if we sent some Americans instead of Cubans... U.S = WIN.
littlemissxtc 0
61... and THATS why you're the only one massaging your dick! but this is freakin hilarious- OP don't be such a priss you know you were gonna suck it anyway!
jcap113 4
omfg!!! u r such a steryotypical guy lmfao!!!!
Moemoemoe_fml 0
#72 Moron. Greece "invented" democracy. FYI.
pinktrapdoor 0
#34 Amen to that!
spankos 1
49- America wins all the wars? so what was Vietnam, a play date?
ZleveL 0
47- you are an idiot.
raymm 1
Win all the wars, except Vietnam, Iran, Afganistan.
Notimetobleed 14
#26 we don't treat hot girls like "slam pigs" just ones that think their hot and pose like a ******* dumbass... like you
Poepiepiesie 3
Oh lawd, awesome conversation.starter.
doyougiveacrap 0
61 die in a pit
dstanek 0
You are honestly stupid
gaysunshine 8
Dumbass
Allysmo 6
Douche
mikemalk123 0
Wow, got yourself a real winner there, apparently he's not quite as brilliant as he thinks you are... Not so sure if I'd say FYL or YDI, but it's funny all the same
sxe1215 0
ydi for smelling like shit. take a shower and make me a sammich
superboboboi 0
FIRST
Joey7361 0
pwned
is300k 0
mailto:[email protected]?subject=Any%20BBW%20fans%20for%20anal%3F%20-%20w4m%20-%2020%20(Downtown%20Seattle)&body=%0A%0Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fseattle.craigslist.org%2Fsee%2Fcas%2F1676713735.html%0A
silentsniper441 0
failage
TaliTubi 0
EPIC FAIL
cady2 0
if you actually look at sone of the words in that link/code nonsense, it makes you wonder. rofl.
sublimaze 6
#9 - holy ******* anal orgy batman! better start checking your comments before hitting "send". roflmao
BBQFetus 0
FIRSt
IMTHEGREATEST 0
that guy is a ******* champ!
ButterflyBaby 0
is300k is looking for hookers. yummy. :p
nnnihad 6
yummy
ilysweetcupcake 1
hahaha sorry OP but he sounds funny.
callicoat 0
we all can tell that you like cupcakes..... fatass.
TangerineCandle 0
excuse me but, what right do you have to just openly insult someone like that? for all other people know, you could be a 300 pound insecure control freak who can't leave their home in fear of, oh I don't know.. running out of food? and she ISNT fat anyway. you really need to recheck your idea of fat. so think next time before you attempt to insult someone, alright? (:
whirlybird 0
Callicoat, stfu. Pond scum. And that totally sucks, OP.
own3ddd 0
hahaaaaaaaaaaa
blaaaaakely 0
callicut, that was completely rude and uncalled for. you look like a fool. don't take your obvious insecurities out on a complete stranger. and besides, I think she's cute as a little button :) not to be creepy or anything. anyway, please keep your retard babble to yourself. you aren't funny or witty, jackass.
faxe 0
sooo blakely is bi.
limpits 0
please don't feed the troll.
blaaaaakely 0
straight as a nail, actually :) thinking peopl of the same se are cute doesn't make you bi, as far as I'm concerned. it's not like I said "damn bitch show me dat azz" or something ;)
faxe 0
alas...*looses temporary excitement* wait a min! nails can be bent :)
Blazingcrono 6
Lol you guys are funny. But yeah, no girls would be like "let me tap dat azz gurlll." you guys are gentler.
b1acksharpi3mark 0
I'm not sure about that, crono. I know a bi girl who acts like that. I am also bi, so she tends to target me. *shudders*
ButterflyBaby 0
b1ack, I can see why you turned bi...
perezftw 0
hahahahHahHH
pandemic_fml 0
I'm a girl. I'd tap it.
uHazFailedTotall 0
He's a keeper, no doubt.
aardvarkish 17
sometimes I feel like typing 'Special First for Trying' like teachers used to say in elementary school.
cstetchman 0
OP owned , say what ?!
blaaaaakely 0
hahaha, get a sense of humor :) I thought what he said was moderately funny
LookinLikeDrake 0
marry me blaaaky hahaha :p
the_hypnotoad 5
I also thought it was a humorous way of saying he likes intelligent women.
Hoopachi 19
Who doesn't like intelligent people in general?
FadingLoveLetter 0
:S you could talk about how his dick defines the word "small beyond all others". that would be of his best interest.
hhaley 0
^win. or "no worries, with a dick as small as yours, I can speak intelligently and clearly with it still in my mouth". lol
ipooprainbows 0
^ WIN
joshraider 0
66, nice! that made me laugh haha
Mortanious 0
FYL OP, he sounds like a complete chump and a douche.
ktbird 0
agreed