Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later on, I walked in while she was making lunch. She had a jar of mayo in her hand, and I joked, "I have some mayo, but it doesn't come from a jar." She had a bluetooth headset on, and was in a call with her father. 5ML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML
Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML
Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML
Today, my girlfriend called me and asked what I was doing. I replied, "What I'm always doing." She couldn't think of anything besides eating. FML
Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who I've been dating for over a year, was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. That's when I saw she'd packed 10 condoms with her. FML
Today, I spent an hour making my favorite work lunches, then portioning them out so I could have them all week. I later came home to a pile of empty containers. My girlfriend said, "Sorry, I got the munchies. Also, can you please do the dishes?" FML
Today, I met my girlfriend’s parents. Trying to make a good impression, so when her dad asked how we met, I jokingly said, “She just couldn’t resist me.” Her mom smiled and asked if we used pet names. Without thinking, I said, “I call her my little burrito.” Her dad choked on his drink, and my girlfriend whispered, “Why would you say that?” FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it, I whispered in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I then heard behind me, "I am." FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML
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Top comments
Crazc 15
Bluetooth or no Bluetooth, thats a stupid-ass joke.
ktiskool 18
You're gonna be getting some Hellman's.
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Comments (111)
ShadowSneaker360 16
Haha
TourettesGuyFTW 25
How insightful!
Ambient25 24
You two are the reason aliens won't talk to us
Lilxpie 18
It's L! How's life since you died in death note? ( #1's icon) ( I'm ready for the thumbs)
nana_star 27
Dying apparently did a number on his brain.
Lilxpie 18
By thumbs I meant thumbs down. #55 Apparently so.
FracturedMinds 21
Dunno about down. I thought it was funny.
TourettesGuyFTW 25
49, I've been abducted by aliens before. No wait... I meant Allen. He did things to me :(
littlem91 29
49, you're the reason I wish I could favourite a comment.
gabbi630 16
Whats up with the 5ML?
gabbi630 16
I just saw that FML is 5 years old today, so Im going to guess thats why.
otaku_chic 1
#1 I love your picture just had to say
Crazc 15
Bluetooth or no Bluetooth, thats a stupid-ass joke.
pooldude 24
True that!!
SuckMeBeautifu1 24
@2 Lighten up prude.
Kamon97 23
Guess his mayo comes in those small little packets >.>
nana_star 27
Well #25 apparently thought it was funny. Small things for small minds.
SuckMeBeautifu1 24
@57 So come up with a better joke about mayonnaise then , champ. Without googling it
lolaroxie 12
Wrong place
SoapTurtle 7
whats a ass joke.
_Heisenberg__ 15
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Hey, at least your gf makes you sandwiches right? Look on the bright side.
Crazc 15
shut up
MidnaLink 33
Seriously!? The whole "Girlfriends and sandwiches" thing is so stupid!
SuckMeBeautifu1 24
@22 Thats why its funny. If you're taking it seriously then you are the one who is stupid ;l
MidnaLink 33
The only reason I take it seriously is because I don't put up with that sexist crap. Forgive me for just giving a damn. But then again, I'm writing to the same guy that pulled that cleavage comment.
SuckMeBeautifu1 24
@30 You seriously think that when a guy refers to the sandwich joke he actually means it as some sort of sexist statement? Its a joke you retard, and so was the other comment you referred to. If anything that other one was sexist against men, because it was implying that her boss was stereotypically sleazy. Stop confusing humor with seriousness.
Nohman 14
@30 Just lighten up man. It's just an innocent, albeit not exactly hilarious joke.
hellryu 20
Nohman didn't call anyone a name like retard or anything and SuckMeBeautu1 didn't say he was innocently funny. Either way, people should lighten up, jokes aren't meant to be taken seriously.
MidnaLink 33
Nohman didn't call me a retard, SuckMeBeautifu1 did.
712sash 26
Bluetooth can make situations awkward. Speaking from personal experience.
ktiskool 18
You're gonna be getting some Hellman's.
foxy_grampa 19
This is why you use real phones.
andrewturtle 16
Yeah man, gotta hate those fake phones, they don't seem to work as well!
Sports_guy3 28
Exactly. Those banana phones don't work at ALL!
tanekdrachonae 19
Ring, ring, ring, ring, BANANA PHONE!
Aligator67 12
#63 You just ruined the jokes.
Mynamewontfi 40
Who knows, maybe her dad didn't even hear you. It was a lame joke anyway.
damaniii 7
That mayo-pen awkward conversations with her dad later.
TourettesGuyFTW 25
You mayo leave now.
FracturedMinds 21
That mayo been the worst pun I've see so far. I approve.
TourettesGuyFTW 25
62, go to Hell-mann's!
ZY1431 24
ahh well, that's a tough one to explain later.
your_ma 27
Was that supposed to be funny or sexy? To be clear it's neither..
Exhaling 12
More corny I think. "Hey honey, want to make some sandwiches? (; I have some Hellmans made fresh in the bedroom..."
patrickalamo 47
Boyish humor