Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML
Today, I decided to be nice and pay a social visit to my slightly deranged grandpa. I ended up politely sitting through two hours of him lecturing me on how he "invented the modern tap", then on how sex is an Illuminati invention to "give sluts the STDs they need to kill us all". FML
Today, I walked in on my grandfather smiling at his penis. FML
Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML
Today, I saw my grandfather kick my dog, who is a 6-pound chihuahua, across the room. When I confronted him about it, he screamed at me for having "too much sex during the apocalypse" and "invading my brain with your pancakes." This man is my legal guardian for 3 more years. FML
Today, my gym teacher ranted about how the government should put all the death row inmates in a coliseum and film them fighting. I guess he lied when he said he only drinks at the weekend. FML
Today, I had to sit in the hospital with my 88-year-old grandfather by myself. During the five hours I was there, he insisted on sharing the intimate details of his many sexcapades that he has had since World War II. FML
Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML
Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML
Today, I had to explain to my family why using a registered sex offender as a babysitter is a bad idea. They didn't understand and now my grandmother can't see her grandkids, and my dad is facing a lengthy prison sentence. FML
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Top comments
oops_im_fucked 8
Vote Op's grandpa!!! 2012!!!
iAmScrubs 19
I'm going to get myself a bumper sticker that says "OP's grandpa 2012".
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Comments (471)
oops_im_fucked 8
Vote Op's grandpa!!! 2012!!!
Tristyxxx 24
Id vote for him.
laideehawk 6
Ditto that! OP's grandpa rocks!!!
krazy_glu3 0
So when does this plan take place? I'm up for it happening
volley4eva1698 0
better than obamaa
faithxoxox 1
OP obviously does not see Grandaddy OP's great mind. I'd vote for him.
Dalliance 4
More effective, I'd imagine, if you gave the prisoners some water to fight over in the desert. But I do like the second idea.
nixter5 18
Gives a whole new meaning to the term "********"!
BruisedGiraffe 15
I already had my dick put onto my forehead. Many more uses.
xDefendPopPunkx 14
If he'd do that to prisoners and child molesters, I can only imagine what he'd do to terrorists.
kyz_xox 11
xD woot woot! Go grandpa!
newmxr 0
I'd vote for him
eminemchick 19
Ops grandpa > Bush
big_boi_rollin 0
Me too
xk75 4
I know how is this an FML? Sounds like an entertaining conversation with a fun guy!
FFPulley 9
I'll vote for him... Then look for tickets to attend the massive fight over the one gun in the desert.
larry12693 1
smart man
oops_im_fucked 8
Yeah he has my vote...
n_epic_fail 14
sounds like a very smart man.... so what's he plan on doing to end hunger? have a Twinkie give-a-way :) VOTE!!
fmlikecrazy 0
Hunger games?
Haidee 0
Has my vote :)
Haidee 0
Has my vote :)
chell1894 13
I like it!
Kn0wledge123 21
Don't see the problem. I'd vote for him.
megerz1113 0
He would be the best president ever!
TGRandom 5
38- When your balls drop, do you go blind?
jnbollin 6
he has my vote!(:
xoconnie 8
132 i was thinking the same thing! lol
michaelscott23 7
He'd definitely be better than the one we have now!
six6six6six6 0
Better than Bachmann.
baconftw 9
Wow, thats exectly what i would do. Great minds think alike.
ghashlycrumbs 8
He's got my vote. I'd sneak in and try to vote twice if I could.
amanda022394 6
AGREED!!!!!
usmcdvil 4
So you life doesn't suck and yet you don't deserve anything we need a new button just for FML's like this
UnderWaterComix 0
Damn...Your grandpa would be the best president of all time!
Sneezytoaster 2
I'd vote for him. :]
ILUVMSC 5
Why doesn't obama do this, i mean, come on...
rawrzorz17 0
alrdy sounds lik more than Obama ever did/will do
Sweet_Testicles 7
Your grandpa is the smartest man alive
sourcherri23xx 0
Yah if he ran I think I would actually start voting
helterskeltersmi 0
Surgically attach a ****** to their heads? Takes on a whole new perspective of "prison rape."
numbers878 8
I bet the gun will have no bullets lol. Should make each person carry a bullet
TheDeadlyBones 0
He got my vote!!!
FruitSalad4225 0
USA! USA!
jhb33 4
I'd so vote for him!
ariannarose 11
I'm so on board for this dude for Prez! OP's Grandpa FTW!
deadpool91 0
You sir have my vote. Glad my tax dollars are going to a good purpose!
ToxicAwsome 4
He has my vote (: !!
purpledogs 0
hell the **** yeah.hahahaha we'll be able to tell the child molesters from the other ppl lol
Shut_Your_Mouth 0
Can you ask him to run?
Gourmet_Taco 0
Old people are the best.
dubstep87 0
Hahaha good shit
denvan 0
He has my vote
denvan 0
He has my vote
denvan 0
He has my vote
sweetheartxoxo88 7
The revenue from the tickets sold could wipe out the national debt!
hellryu 20
That man's a genius.
xcarxcrashx 9
224 I
quesidias 0
Your Grandpa: total WIN! damn, I wish my grandpa was that cool...
orry04 0
Sounds like the greatest President ever.
tjracer10 0
Definitely voting for him!
oops_im_fucked 8
So does he have your vote 324?
sherrbear 3
i vote making OP's grandpa a fbook page.
thamindofme 0
**** yeah!!!!
thamindofme 0
my true question is, what will he do about our schools?
sovietkiwi 0
I'll kill whoever ran against him!
ash99 0
Good idea haha
Lanceeden 12
What a visual.
kameryn25 3
Definitely an upgrade from any presidential candidates we have now.
pickles1994 18
One of the most random pretty funny fmls I've ever read.
hemz_fml 13
Good ******* ideas actually
Driveshaft 5
What ticket is he on? I'll vote for him!!!!
goebsy 8
OP's grandpa: Getting shit done.
dri_dri_fml 18
51- that's what i was thinking! :3
Linebacker74 8
Some pretty decent ideas actually
lovelife9 12
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
don't let him be president :)
i_wuz_nver_here 31
Why the **** not? ;)
thetr00per 0
Hater
eminemchick 19
i like that. Off with his penis.:3
Sunny_Eclipse 6
How dare you use a smiley at the end of your comment! To hell with you, 3!
i_wuz_nver_here 31
Hehe I luv how I hav the same amout of thumbs as my # in the post. For some reason that makes me happy :)
j_cat187 19
He's better than all the other shit candidates. We can't get anything done with all these doughboys "representing" us.
lilwaynerockz_fml 12
So that's why they call it head. Lol
airforce987 20
f*ck you, he'd be a great president!
Josk95 0
give him a gun and send him to the dessert already
FMLKamiisaur 0
You, 3, are an idiot.
Franklin24 3
3 what's wrong with you and 79 good one
melonrind 8
Your Grandpa is a genius!
Uraharas_Bankai 1
OP's grandfather brings a new hope. He will help his country prosper, grow, and develop into a tyranny
DarkHelmet 10
a Wile E Coyote SUPER GENIUS!!!!!
QueenQuay77 10
vote for grandpa!!!!
kewlkate 9
Yep, he's got his priorities in check
joshuaUNWRITTEN 0
Damn..Just Damn!
nixter5 18
Are you talking about your face?
iAmScrubs 19
I'm going to get myself a bumper sticker that says "OP's grandpa 2012".
bball234 6
and put under that, "the man who attaches penises to foreheads."
adotstud 0
ADAM BOMB!!
Ruler3000 17
2 please. :)
phoebe333 2
FYL. That sucks. How olds your gramp. What did you say back? Lol images not pretty.
JPLovesAnimals 4
What a guy. But y give them a gun. Duh. Make them fight over food. Then they shall be cannibals. And the whole penis on forehead reminds me of south park. Lol
manda_rawrz 4
and then he'd watch while laughing his ass off as they kill each other. last one standing goes and assinates him. cool story, brahh. tell it again.
laceyanneman 7
Don't say brah
BigDave81 0
hey Brah. shut the **** up? Brah.
HairyPunisher 27
"Assinates?" REALLY?
8sq 13
He sounds very creative.