Health: Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've...

By FMyBrain - 06/06/2014 21:26 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 499

You deserved it 6 032

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Same thing different taste

Hazardous

By Anonymous - 28/09/2016 13:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 263

You deserved it 2 498

Butterfingers

By heeeeeyitsbrittney - 09/05/2019 08:00

Today, I cut myself with a butter knife while trying to get a piece of brownie from a pan. I don't think I was meant to survive on Earth for very long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 575

You deserved it 342

By Anonymous - 26/01/2012 16:45 - United States

Today, I accidentally slammed a door on my own arm flab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 998

You deserved it 32 359

Accidents will happen

By Anonymous - 27/04/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 007

You deserved it 9 304

Self report

By Bonk - 04/02/2024 08:00 - United States

Today, my clumsiness reached a whole level when I hit myself in the face with a hammer hard enough for blood to come out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 364

You deserved it 180

Slice of life

By Eleanor - 19/02/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 888

You deserved it 626

Put it away

By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 22:00

Today, I managed to cut myself twice with a Swiss army knife. Stabbed in one hand and sliced a finger on the other. Good to know it's super sharp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 977

Ouch!

By Anonymous - 11/11/2021 02:00

Today, my son tripped into a door and slammed it shut. I'd been holding onto the door frame, leaning around to talk to a neighbour, so of course it slammed my fingers. It must be a really sharp door, because I just woke from the surgery to reattach my three amputated fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 472

You deserved it 102

By imalwaystired - 21/01/2010 20:20 - France

Today, I opened the cabinet to take a pill for my headache. After taking the pill, I turned around and smashed my head on the open cabinet door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 393

You deserved it 7 631

Cool moves

By UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH - 09/11/2022 22:00

Today, I tried to open my water bottle, which is like trying to open a pickle jar, and after several seconds, it exploded all over my desk and clothes. Then, when I was going to get paper towels and a change of clothes, I slipped on the puddle and hit my head on my desk as I came crashing down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 757

You deserved it 175

Welshite 39

Saturday 7 June 2014 1:47

Roll yourself in bubble wrap and wait for the Universe to find another hapless victim. It's the only thing left to do.

umerin 32

Saturday 7 June 2014 1:47

Just one of those days, eh?

Comments

Thaxton 11

Saturday 7 June 2014 3:55

Goes to prove that somedays it's just not worth chewing through the restraints.

TheDuckOfShame 11

Saturday 7 June 2014 4:16

I feel ya

Kevin_Kestel 24

Saturday 7 June 2014 4:21

OP just sleep it off

PewDiePie_Lover 14

Saturday 7 June 2014 4:36

don't die on me Bob! ;-;

adilblast 6

Saturday 7 June 2014 4:40

its posted and ur not dead, yay

False_Stupidity 41

Monday 9 June 2014 7:10

How do you know this?

wvni 13

Saturday 7 June 2014 4:40

And people say we're smarter than apes, eh? We all have those derp days...

way2go 16

Saturday 7 June 2014 4:41

Well, I guess we shouldn't expect a follow up then!

RockMaterial 9

Saturday 7 June 2014 4:45

Suicide is not something to joke about. Sincerely, People who've gotten through serious shit

jw833055 13

Saturday 7 June 2014 4:48

I'm sorry but this has got to be the most entertaining FML in awhile. God bless you and fyl.

sarahmaxine 19

Saturday 7 June 2014 4:56

just work through it, buddy. Life is short, live throigh it all.

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I was in the bathroom taking a massive dump, with the door closed, moaning and yelling to get it out, knowing I was home alone. When it was done, I walked out to see my mother on the couch who said, "I know masturbation is normal, but please try to do it while we're not here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 832

You deserved it 1 356

Today, after having spent years staying in school, working hard to achieve good grades, and avoiding all the bad kids, my mom accused me of having no direction in life and complained about how I haven't given her a grandchild yet. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 035

You deserved it 3 331

The Top

Today, I went on an a date with a guy I met online. We were waiting in line at Starbucks when he turned to me and said, "Do you want anything?" Just before I was about to answer, he practically shoved in front of me and paid for himself. The cashier looked more horrified than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 358

You deserved it 501

Today, my best friend of a decade ended our friendship, all because I wouldn't kick someone from our Dungeons and Dragons table that he disliked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 127

Today, we're in the middle of vacation. Two days in, my dad no longer wants to do anything but sit in the hotel room and sulk because, "it's all about us." We'd already tried taking him to an antique car and motorcycle museum, and a local gun show, but he just sat in the car pouting. Five more days of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 510

You deserved it 73

Today, I went on the large bungee drop at the West Edmonton Mall waterpark. As I was falling, my bikini top came off. I had to wait for the bungee rope to stop moving and the life guard to release the ankle strap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 047

You deserved it 14 197

Today, I had to explain to my 20 year-old daughter why she can’t leave her infant son at the house on her own, while she goes out partying until 2 a.m. Her response was, “What? I’m supposed to miss the party to watch his ass?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 470

You deserved it 331

Today, I made roast beef with mashed potatoes and green beans for dinner. My 8-year-old daughter was crying and gagging the whole time, and eventually said between sobs, "Can't you just beat me and send me to bed hungry instead?" I have no clue where she got that idea from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 235

You deserved it 456

Same thing different taste

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