Health, Friends, Weird and Awkward: Intrusive thoughts - FML

Intrusive thoughts

By Anonymous - 16/06/2022 14:00

Spicy

Today, at a BBQ, my boyfriend's friend told us, “Oh, this reminds my of the time I got third degree burns on my dick.” He’s been trying to talk to me, and I keep thinking about it how it must look like Freddie Kruger's. I don’t know what I just agreed to help him with, but I’m sure it will be a nightmare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 725

You deserved it 277

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Same thing different taste

Life's a beach

By Brittanyy_leigh - 17/12/2009 07:57 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the beach. I though he was being really sweet by putting sunscreen on my back as I layed on my stomach. I got home later, and felt that my back was sore. Then I saw the giant penis on my back that been burnt in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 143

You deserved it 6 014

Braggadocio

By snowwhite - 28/10/2013 04:51 - Australia - Sydney

Spicy

Today, I'm severely sunburned and can barely walk properly. My boyfriend keeps telling his friends that it's because of, "how hard he gave it to me last night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 631

You deserved it 10 124

By Ouch - 14/07/2009 02:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I thought it would be sexy to cook dinner in lingerie. Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was cooking. I jumped and burned my boobs with boiling cooking oil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 557

You deserved it 15 519

Bernie

By Anonymous - 27/11/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. It would have been great, if a mate of his didn't tell him to put Listerine strips in his mouth first "for the tingle." I've been running cold water over my burning genitals for 15 minutes while he laughs at the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 943

You deserved it 614

He's fine

By kenz - 17/12/2020 20:01

Today, I wanted my boyfriend to come over for a backyard wiener roast. Because it was so hot outside, he told me he didn't want to. Eventually, I talked him into it telling him it would be fine. He's now still asleep on the couch with heat stroke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 276

You deserved it 1 200

By Anonymous - 19/09/2011 20:27 - United States

Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 643

You deserved it 36 721

Prank gone wrong

By Anonymous - 27/02/2023 18:00

Spicy

Today, my prank-loving girlfriend pushed hot sauce up my penis hole with her tongue by pretending she was going to give me oral sex. It’s been an hour of burning, it’s worse when I pee, and I think I may need a hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 858

You deserved it 247

Dirty talk

By CorpseBride - 07/02/2017 04:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend asked me to talk dirty in bed for him, but my brain went blank and I panicked. I couldn't think of what to say, so I suddenly blurted out, "Do whatever you want with my body. Treat it like a corpse." He laughed and I died a little inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 220

You deserved it 2 193

Sick burn

By HotMarshmallowHead - 18/07/2022 16:00

Today, I was out camping with my boyfriend and his friends. I asked my boyfriend to give me a roasted marshmallow, asking him if it was cooled down and he said yes. I put it in my mouth and it was piping hot. They all laughed to the point of tears, all while videoing me screaming and running in agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 161

You deserved it 265

What what?

By Anonymous - 12/04/2022 16:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend stuck his finger in my butt and I liked it, but I can’t ever tell him that or he’ll get that smug look on his face like, “I told you so, let’s have anal now.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 479

You deserved it 1 404

Next

Top comments

mike3775 35

Thursday 16 June 2022 14:26

As long as you don’t call him “fire crotch” you should be ok

RichardPencil 30

Thursday 16 June 2022 15:05

...and don't eat any overcooked sausages or wieners in his presence. Stick with tacos.

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Thursday 16 June 2022 14:08

Maybe he calls his dick Kevin Bacon?

mike3775 35

Thursday 16 June 2022 14:26

As long as you don’t call him “fire crotch” you should be ok

RichardPencil 30

Thursday 16 June 2022 15:05

...and don't eat any overcooked sausages or wieners in his presence. Stick with tacos.

Thaylok 17

Thursday 16 June 2022 15:32

So, his tactic worked. You are now thinking of him sexually.

Keywords

Poopoo peepee Health Awkward Jewelry Fight Kids Family Love Work Relatable Students Noise Birds Sleep Animals Mental health Medication Contraception Racism Relationship advice Pregnancy Cheating Teenagers Friends Sex Intimacy Embarrassing Revenge Food Cats

The Top

Today, I drove to a job interview. I had to sneeze, but because I was driving on the highway, I didn't let go of the wheel to cover my mouth. I didn't know the sneeze was a "productive" one until I was sitting in the interview, looked down at my new blouse, and saw the giant lugie sitting there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 408

You deserved it 8 930

Today, I realized that I'm the only person in my house not getting any. My sister is sleeping with my ex. My roommate is sleeping with my brother, and my mom texted me, asking to make it look like she slept in her bed so that she didn't have to do the "walk of shame" in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 457

You deserved it 2 906

The Top

Today, I learned that the vomiting and uncontrollable flatulence I've been suffering from is normal with my new diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 271

Today, I always thought that my dad never believed in me, but hearing him say it for the first time at 30 was the catalyst for some really hard self-reflection. The fact that I usually bounce all my ideas off him is the hardest to accept. Now who do I share with? FML

I agree, your life sucks 791

You deserved it 139

Today, while I was taking a test in class, there was a question that had everyone stumped. After what seemed like forever, the teacher finally noticed and said he'd typed the question wrong. I spent more than half the time I had to complete the test on a question that wasn't even written correctly. Yes, I failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 428

Today, I noticed my husband was acting moody, and I asked him what was wrong. He replied that he didn't know, so trying to lighten the mood, I facetiously said, "It's 'cause you're stuck with me, isn't it?" He nodded, trundled off, and hasn't shown his face since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 577

You deserved it 4 535

Today, I went to the airport for my two week trip to explore Europe. My ticket was denied and the workers turned me away. When I asked why, they told me to check the date. My ticket was for June 22nd, not July. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 635

You deserved it 62 170

Today, I was written up at work and sent home 20 minutes into my shift. My boss thought I was under the influence of something, but it’s really just the first time I’ve come to work with no makeup on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 501

You deserved it 365