NestHead
Moscow, Russian Federation
Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Same thing different taste
Zannanana
Today, I realised my parrot loves to masturbate on anything soft I own, like my sweater, house socks, blanket, and even my hair bun on the top of my head. I only realised this when my boyfriend pointed out that my parrot was humping my bun. FML
Anonymous
Munich, Germany
Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML
birdsterrifyme
This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff
Sikeston, United States
Face your fears!
Today, I decided to confront my fear of birds when my friend's pet bird was walking up to me. He got on my arm, climbed up, and attacked my face. FML
Devil's Pigeon
Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML
Anna
Buellton, United States
Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML
Anonymous
From a great height
Today, I was sitting on the back porch with my husband. I felt two raindrops land on my head, so I said we should go inside because it was starting to rain. It turned out to just be a bird shitting on me. FML
Keaton
United States
Today, I got a bird as a pet. I thought it would be funny to put it on my head and take a picture. When the flash went off the bird flew off my head and pooped at the same time. You could see it in the picture. FML
Anonymous
Greenwich, United Kingdom
Murder scene
Today, I saw two crows in a park using their beaks to kiss each other. A fucking crow gets more action than I do. FML
Baldy
Polly Want a Wax
Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML
Anonymous
United States
Freedom!
Today, I was showing off my new pet bird to my friends over video chat. I opened the cage to demonstrate how friendly he was. Instead of perching on my finger like usual, he flew out the window. I spent the next hour chasing him around the neighborhood in my pajamas. FML
Top comments
BeingNiceSucks 6
Doesnt matter, had sex
uoeno_fml 20
What the actual ****?
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Comments (114)
BeingNiceSucks 6
Doesnt matter, had sex
DFresh503 8
"Polly want a ... Cigarette"
\ 28
Maybe the baby parrot will inherit OP's intelligence.
scarface90 8
Next time you have sex, do it on his cage...turn the table on this parrot
Warmonger_Smurf 29
*snu snu
slickchrome 11
birds have sex?
slickchrome 11
before u ppl thumb me down for my comment or in the obvious reply of "uh birds make babies too" I am not sure how birds have physical contact of intercourse judging by their awkward appearance form..since they lay eggs I quickly assumed the male spews his sperm fertilizing the females egg. if not and they had continued to mate onto ops face the image Iam picturing is alot of flapping wings..
itsmecutiepie 17
More like; doesn't matter, head sex. Ha, shitty pun, I know. I'll let myself out.
cottoncandymango 17
I mean, it sounds like you practically allowed it to happen.
notsoanonymous3 20
I read this like: "Today, my parents decided my head was the best place to have sex"... o.0
oracles_fml 3
Polly got her cracker all right all right ;)
hryffff 11
No just no
Robbieisadowg 16
Yes?
mikepzz 27
I don't care how much this was thumbed down, I still laughed.
annie_nk 22
So your username is accurate ;)
yawateverok 10
So you are username is corect*
uoeno_fml 20
What the actual ****?
anythingmustbe 18
So they got head and sex? Seems like a pretty good day for them.
Clay_Pidgeon 11
did anybody else read parrots as parents first? or just me...
monkeyy100 15
I did... lol
DFresh503 8
Technically, that was a threesome. And that's not bird poo on your shoulder...
diiiinkleberg 13
somewhere out there is a **** for this, I just know it
TyT63 12
now you have a story to tell
yawateverok 10
now you have a story to tell!******* is correct grammer
yawateverok 10
I am corect grammer
davidpropert 32
Keep your head up OP, at least you have a funny story to tell... Actually you might want to keep that to yourself :)
Kibaruto 33
Look where keeping their head up got them in the first place.
batman105 8
Lets just hope theres nothing left on top
Kibaruto 33
Hey, OP needed a new style. It may start a trend, and you will no longer be in the harsh loop of hair-related fashion.
ManInTheMachine 19
I guess their feathers weren't the only ones that got ruffled, eh? In the future, I'd just put some crackers or treats in their cage to lure them in whenever they look like they're "in the mood". Or teach then English and then give them a lesson on boundaries.
ManInTheMachine 19
*them
samabomination 19
How does someone even react in a situation like that?
Welshite 39
They usually remove the birds.
Gho5tk3y 17
Apparently by posting on FML, and hopefully taking a long shower.
RedPillSucks 31
React? How does the situation even arise? Was OP asleep and the parrots decided... What the hell, free head!!!
AnOriginalName 19
Free head? Are you implying you normally pay for your head?
itsmecutiepie 17
That would be called a hooker.
LaurenLo 17
Well your bird is getting more action than mine. I have a cockatiel that masterbates all the time and chirps while he does it.
RedPillSucks 31
sigh... I really don't want to know how a bird masturbates. I'm having this image of a frustrated T-Rex whose arms are too short.
graceinsheepwear 33
10, perfect match of pic and comment.
AkiChan_fml 7
You, sir, I like you! ^^