Today, I got kneed in the stomach by a sixth grader. I couldn't breathe. I have a black belt in Taekwondo. FML

by Stiny / 06/01/2011 at 2:44pm / United States / Health

ihasbrains's comment : At least it wasn't your balls

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Today, my daughter turned 18. She decided to use this day to tell me everywhere her and her boyfriends have had sex in my house to get revenge for being overprotective. FML

by Anonymous / 06/01/2011 at 2:06pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

iAmScrubs's comment : in my bed, on your bed, on the kitchen table, In the washing machine, in the sink, In your shower, on the stairs...

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Today, as I was driving to work, I glanced in my rear view mirror to see an old man behind me using binoculars to see in front of him since we were stuck in a huge traffic jam. He rear ended me. FML

by trafficfail / 06/01/2011 at 12:43pm / Transportation

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

by quickfingers100 / 06/01/2011 at 12:05pm / United Kingdom / Work

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

by aarone23 / 06/01/2011 at 9:30am / United States (Oklahoma) / Transportation

Imagirll's comment : show them your drivers license..

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Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML

by Username / 06/01/2011 at 8:35am / Canada / Work

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

by iscreamforicecream / 06/01/2011 at 7:53am / United States (Arizona) / Transportation

Today, I found out that the school principal takes all the money from the school fund raisers to buy herself donuts. I'd donated over $100. FML

by Golden~ / 06/01/2011 at 5:20am / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, the elevator in my apartment building broke down. I live on the 30th floor and am still climbing the stairs. FML

by Username / 06/01/2011 at 4:09am / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, I got into a staring contest with my dog. I actually cheered when I won. FML

by Lifeless / 06/01/2011 at 3:39am / United States (Oregon) / Animals

Today, my girlfriend and I were driving to a costume party. On the way, we got into an argument and she kicked me out of her car. I had to walk around the city center in an Iron Man outfit trying to find the party venue. FML

by 2ndplacechamp / 06/01/2011 at 1:43am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I wrote in my own yearbook with different styles of handwriting so my mom would think I have friends. FML

by nofriends / 06/01/2011 at 12:28am / Japan (Tokyo) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend refused to take me out on our three year anniversary because he was busy, "training to become a professional gamer." FML

by Anonymous / 05/31/2011 at 8:50pm / Brazil / Geek