Today, I realized when I'm on my phone, I tend to play with my penis, even in public. FML
Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him that odometers measure distance traveled, not a person's body odor. FML
Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML
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