cheekysausage

Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights, looking for some criminal who used to live in my house. Apparently, when they showed the man's mugshot to my neighbors upstairs, for some reason they identified the man as my husband. FML

Today, I'm sat at home alone on a Friday night, watching a documentary online about decomposing elephants. FML

Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML

Shade

Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied, "No", he said, "You mean you always look like that?" FML

Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That was the closest he's ever got me to an orgasm. FML

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML

Today, I complimented a girl on her stockings pattern. Turns out she wasn't wearing stockings. FML

Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML

Judgemental

Today, my sister told me not to come over anymore because her baby is scared of my face. FML