Mr Single
Today, I was playing GTA4 and went on its fake dating site to email a girl to go on a date with. I've never had much luck with dating in real life, so I figured the game would be more kind to me. After a while I went back to check my email, and the fake girl I'd propositioned told me to get lost. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom tried to bribe him with an iPhone to dump me. He accepted. FML
Today, I sent a cover letter to a potential employer. In the letter, I talked about my great attention to detail, my strong ability to focus, and my stellar writing skills. After hitting send, I reread the letter and noticed that I typed my name "B-R-A-I-N." My name is Brian. FML
Today, not wanting to be known as a lightweight anymore, I started drinking with some guy friends. After one beer, I ended up in bed with one of them, who kindly put my bra back on for me after, as I was too sloshed. I'm no longer known as lightweight, but instead, the slutty drunk. FML
Today, was my senior prom. I've had a crush on my date for months, but after many attempts at grinding with him and sexy seduction, he rejected me saying he was a good Catholic boy. I later found out that not only is he in touch with his religion, but intimately in touch with other boys. FML
Today, I found out my class was attempting to raise money for me through a bake sale because some girl spread a false rumor that I was raped and that my father was going to disown me. The whole school believes it and my biology teacher took me aside and asked if I needed someone to confide in. FML
Today, while talking online with my boyfriend, the conversation turned sexual. He stopped responding but I continued with the conversation. Then I got a response, "This is his sister. He fell asleep and I need the computer. I'll tell him you said goodnight, but not that other stuff." FML
Today, it is my three-year-anniversary with my boyfriend. I asked if he had planned anything for us, and he said yes. My parents volunteered to watch our daughter, I got all excited, and apparently our "plans" are to watch a football game. What do I get to do? Make sandwiches. For him. FML
Today, I decided to take a personal day from class and e-mailed all of my professors saying I had flu symptoms. While standing in line at Starbucks later, someone behind me said, "Glad you're feeling better. Hope you can attend class tomorrow, we'll discuss lying." It was my Ethics professor. FML
Today, I lectured my second-grade class to be more descriptive in their writing. I gave them an assignment to describe something in the classroom. I was grading their work later, and one student wrote, "My class is taught by a fat teacher with gray hair." FML
Today, I found out that my "I don't believe in pre-marital sex" boyfriend is the father of my younger sister's newborn baby. After four years of being in a serious, but sexless, relationship, I am now single, horny, and an aunt. FML
Today, my house was broken into. Apparently, I have nothing good enough in my house to steal, so they took my cake. FML
Today, my neighbors put up their Christmas lights. They blink red and green on and off. Ever since they put them up, my dog hasn't stopped barking. It's 2:00AM. FML
Today, at work, there was a police officer waiting for me. Bewildered, I asked what the problem was. Someone had shot fireworks at cars in the parking lot and I was a suspect. Why? Ponytails on men apparently look suspicious. FML
Today, I confessed my feelings to the girl I've been in love with for three years. Her response was to well up, start crying, and ask me why I had to have chosen her. FML
Today, while working at my local supermarket, I found a boy lost and wandering about, so I took him to the front desk. My reward from his mother was a slap around the face and harsh words for supposedly having kidnapped him. FML
Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML
Today, after getting back from my interior design class, I told my husband that I learned the golden rule for home decor: "Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." He looked at me dead in the eyes, and didn't say a word. FML
Today, my boss fired me. I can't really explain the slap I gave him for it, though. FML
Today, while having a sneak through my brother's browser, I found a bookmark for a Google Docs file. It was a short story involving him horrifically killing our entire family. It ended with the words: "And that is what happens when people don't respect the author's privacy." FML
Today, my mum begged me to let her put fake nails on me to practice for her styling exam. I've been sitting on the toilet for the past half an hour trying to figure out how to wipe without damaging something. FML
Today, I decided to clean my apartment from top to bottom. Once I was done, I looked over at my puppy, who then woke up, stretched, got out of his basket and started to pee. I shouted, "No!" Scared, he then ran all over the place, still peeing. FML
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