ajbaby311

Today, a guy from my school came into my work. I know him but I'd forgotten his name. I didn't want to be rude and ask for his name when he probably expected me to know it, so, thinking I was clever, I said, "How do you spell your name again?" His name is Rob. FML

Priorities

Today, I told my boyfriend of 2 years that I was pregnant. His response? "That's neat. But we can still have sex, right?" FML

Today, my youngest son thought that RedBull actually gave him wings. What it actually gave him was a trip to the ER and 7 stitches. It also gave me a meeting with social services. FML

Today, I realized the birthmark I have on my chest isn't a birthmark at all; it's a third nipple. FML

Today, my 70 year old grandma was yelling at me to take a pregnancy test, in the middle of Walmart. I'm 16, still a virgin and haven't had a boyfriend since I was 13. FML

Today, my boyfriend's mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML

Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML

Today, my parents took away my laptop, TV, Xbox, and car all because I broke up with my girlfriend. They said when I patch things up with her, I can have my stuff back. FML

Today, while jogging in the park, I saw a man acting strange and trying to talk to 3 little girls. I jogged over to their mother and warned her about a 'weirdo' lurking around her daughters. Turns out that 'weirdo' is the woman's disabled brother. FML

Today, while reading over my sent application email to a job I have been trying to get, I found out my brother had put "Heil Hitler!" as my signature. FML

Today, while sitting on the toilet, my phone pocket dialed my boss's cell. He was in the next stall. He answered. FML

Today, it was my first day on duty as a rookie cop. Everything was going great, and even the veterans on the force were warming up to me. That is until my mother came into the station carrying a brown bag for my lunch. Written on the bag was, "Lunch for my big boy. I love you, pumpkin." FML

Today, I caught my best friend in bed with my current boyfriend. Apparently watching movies naked is "the new in thing". FML

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML