Valley Stream, USA 29 years-old
Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML
Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML
Today, my therapist gave me some great self-sufficiency advice. It sounded familiar. When I got home I realized she had been quoting Christina Aguilera songs. For £100 an hour. FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch with my fiancé, when he jumped up and viciously sat on my face. I then heard, smelled, and tasted the most violent, horrific fart known to man. I still can't get the taste out of my mouth, and he can't stop laughing. I'm getting married to this guy. FML
Today, my dad informed me that my prom dress makes me look chubby from the side, gives me "back fat", and that I wouldn't want to go to prom looking like that. I tried to ignore his hurtful comments and tell myself I was beautiful. Then the clasp broke. FML
Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML
Today, I had to sit between my parents in the car as they argued with one another for a whole hour over whether or not a thumb is a finger. FML
Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML
Today, I walked in on a homeless guy peeing on a turd on the floor of the women's restroom at the park. I'm a janitor for the city. FML
Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML
Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML
Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML
Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML
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