bubbalou21

Today, I puked up a centipede. FML

Today, I was holding my 3 year old brother, and apparently he thinks it's hilarious to pull my tank top down and scream ''BOOBS!'' in public. FML

Turned on

Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML

Today, I was woken up by a call from "the Nuisance Call Prevention Registry". The lady on the telephone didn't see the irony. FML

Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML

Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML

Today, I was at a party, when the cops busted us. Since I'm underage, I hid behind a chair for an hour and a half while they breathalyzed everyone and sat them in the same room I was in. The cops left, everyone realized I was behind the chair, and now my nickname is "Anne Frank". FML

Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

Today, I had to excuse myself from the classroom so I could have a quick wank. This was because I somehow got extremely horny during a lesson on frog reproduction. FML

Doofus

Today, not only did my boyfriend set my hair on fire, but he attempted to put it out by dumping bong water on my head. FML

Creepy but funny

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "Recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML

Today, I was playing with my vibrator. I was getting close when all of a sudden it short-circuited and made a sound like a laughing clown, scaring me half to death. FML