Today, I mistook my boss’s "Have a good weekend!" for "How’s your weekend?" So I replied, "Great so far!" It’s Wednesday. FML
Today, I ran to hug my mom at the airport, but when I stepped back, I realized I was hugging a total stranger who just so happened to be wearing the same coat as her usual coat. She smiled awkwardly as I backed away and said, “Sorry, I thought you were my mom.” The next level of embarrassment came when I looked up and saw my actual mom staring at me in horror from a few feet away. FML
Today, I posted a TikTok with my male best friend. My boyfriend has been ghosting me ever since. FML
Today, I had an adverse, extremely negative reaction to weed, resulting in intense nausea, dizziness, and fast heart rate amongst other things. This is the third time this has happened in six months. Guess I need to quit for good. FML
Today, my smartphone fell out of my cargo shorts pocket onto the floor of my friend's car. I didn't even notice until he drove me home, where I noticed that the pocket was empty. FML
Today, while I was pooping on company time, a little constipated, I saw a spider full speed running towards me, as I’m mid grunt. This makes my asshole slam shut and set my feet flailing to stomp it before it got any closer. Now I have heart palpitations and I feel violated. FML
Today, after I got into an argument with mom's boyfriend, telling him to piss off because no one wanted him, and he did so, saying he was done putting in wasted effort, now he's gone I realise how much he did for us, or that his share of the bills paid the rent. We may lose our house because of me. FML
Today, I finally got an interview for the job I want. The interviewer looked at my resumé and asked, "So, what have you been doing for the past 10 years?" I guess binge-watching Netflix wasn't the right answer. FML
Today, my parents told me that I'm no longer going to be homeschooled and that they're putting me in regular school. I don't want to because my generation is so fucking dumb, but they won't listen to me. I won't fit in at all but they just dismiss me. FML
Today, I have a RAV4 with a power hatch that randomly opens when the key is in my pocket, and it has trashed my garage door. Good news: I can stop paying for garage door repairs by paying to convert the hatch to manual instead. Oh, and I was supposed to move a bunch of stuff out of storage tomorrow. FML
Today, I tried a new productivity hack of setting multiple alarms to remind me of tasks. Instead, I spent the entire day in a cacophony of alarms, confusing myself to the point where I forgot what I was actually supposed to be doing. FML
Today, my 15 year-old daughter has been with her boyfriend for about a year. I really wish they would break up. Not for the typical father reasons. My daughter is just like her mother, my ex. She’s clinically depressed and hides it well. He’ll be miserable just like I was. The breakup would be for him not her. FML
Today, I wanted to show a photo of my cat to my colleague, but my phone fell out of my hand and scrolled to the next photo, a photo of me without a bra. Now he thinks that this is how I tried to let him know that I want a quickie. FML
Today, I agreed to go to a restaurant because I hadn’t really been listening and thought everyone was planning a coworkers night out. It wasn’t until the guy who had invited me turned up at the restaurant in a suit that I realised it wasn’t a group event, I’d accidentally agreed to a date. FML
Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were exchanging some naughty pictures. I accidentally sent one to everybody on my contacts, including my ex, my boss, and even Pizza Hut. FML
Today, my husband was giving marriage advice to a friend, while I eavesdropped. I heard, "You want more sex? Let her see you flirting with other girls. Sophia sees me tease a cashier or some shit, the second we get home, she's putting on sexy lingerie and fucking my brains out. It's magic." FML
Today, I tried to wax my own Brazilian. My housemate’s cat rolled onto a half-used wax strip on the floor. The poor cat now has a small, less-fluffy patch, and I still haven’t figured out how to wax myself. FML
Today, a noisy little kid in the bus seated behind me asked his mom loudly, "Why is that big man watching cartoons for girls?" Me and the guy next to me, who too was watching on his phone, paused for a bit. He smirked, shaking his head, laughing under his breath. He was watching anime; I was watching My Little Pony. FML
Today, it's my second day of uni just sitting in halls, waiting for the lecturers, and switching venues that are not even in our timetable. Like, how come this is the "TOPPEST" university in the whole country? FML
Today, I choked on oatmeal, watered-down soupy oatmeal. It seemed to get stuck halfway down. I chucked up several spoonfuls. My wife was oblivious to all the noise I was making because she had her over-the-ear headphones on, listening to some stupid YouTube video. FML
Today, I found out that my husband hasn't wanted sex because he's been fucking the feminine gay guy he works with. I could divorce him, but I like not getting constantly bothered for sex, and I don't want to deal with the stress of divorce. FML
Today, my wife asked our 17 year-old son to clean his room. Following up, he lied to his mom and said it was clean. After rechecking his room, he began to throw things and I returned to find holes punched in the walls. I went and patched the holes, after which he immediately kicked more holes. FML
Today, after I made a connection with someone I used to know from school, I came to find out the whole time we were “solely seeing” each other, he was banging the bartender, and some fellow bar patrons at the same time as the bartender. FML
Today, I was staying at a friend's, and I called my girlfriend in the morning to serenade her awake with a sweet song. My friend stared at me, then shook his head and said, "I suddenly understand why you got cheated on in the past." FML
Today, I had just sat down and taken a dump in a public restroom when I realized there was no toilet paper. I tried to discreetly call for help, but no one heard me. My only option was to text a friend and have them bring me some. The worst part? My friend ended up texting me, "You called for backup?" as I waited in humiliation. FML
Today, I tried telling the girl I like how I feel about her. Little does she know I broke up a 6-year relationship for her. We're "just friends” she says. FML
Today, I eagerly jumped into a pile of leaves, only to discover via the stench that the neighborhood cats have obviously been using it as their makeshift litter box. FML
Today, I was playing a virtual reality game at a gaming convention. I got so into it that I didn't realize I was screaming and flailing around in. A crowd had gathered to watch my dumbass embarrass myself. FML
Today, I ran into my ex at our local supermarket. Trying to be aloof, I waved casually, but I misjudged the distance and knocked over a display of canned beans. My ex just stood there, laughing, while I scrambled to rearrange up my mess. FML
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