Today, I finally slapped the shit out of the mosquito that had been buzzing around my room all night. I celebrated, turned off the light, and immediately began hearing another one. FML
Today, it's 1:30 in the goddamn morning and I can’t sleep because my boyfriend is so obsessed with KPop Demon Hunters that he's in bed next to me listening to the songs with his headphones at full volume. He might actually be addicted, as he says he physically can’t make himself stop listening. FML
He's doing his doggone best.
Today, I was late for a video conference with my boss. As I frantically tried to fix my messy hair, my dog thought it was the perfect time to play fetch. I ended up joining the meeting with a squeaky toy in hand and an appearance that would make a scarecrow look put together. My boss found it hilarious, but I'm pretty sure my career aspirations are now in the doghouse. FML
Today, 40-something year-old man hit on me at the mall (I'm 14), then told me that ladies needed to dress like ladies after I made a joke to my friend about wanting to wear jeans to homecoming. I'm not a girl btw. FML
Today, I spent a long time steam-cleaning a mystery stain on my living room carpet. I turned the light on to get a better look at it, and realized that it was a shadow. FML
Today, after a long airplane trip, I arrived at a hotel hoping to get some rest at last. At around 2 AM, my older daughter (13) suddenly got up to start yelling things while sleepwalking. My younger daughter (4) slept all night peacefully, but I realized she had forgotten to put on her nighttime diaper. FML
Today, I ran into an old coworker. Several years ago, he had a creepy, obsessive crush on me. Now, he's lost over a hundred pounds, makes over twice as much as me, and isn't a complete weirdo anymore. I asked him if he wanted to get a drink sometime and 'catch up'. "Nah, I'm good." FML
Today, I asked a girl from Bumble for a full body pic. She was obese, so I told her it wasn’t gonna work. She then sent a video of her in real time looking slim and told me that picture was from when she was obese, and she'd sent that picture as a “test of my character” and she’s “better off without someone so judgy.” FML
Today, I spent an entire hour talking to someone at a party. I was feeling a real connection, only to find out halfway through the conversation that she wasn’t actually a guest, she was the caterer who just happened to be really nice. FML
Today, my daughter was unable to take the SAT. They wouldn’t let her in, because, “no one told her she would need two forms of ID.” To be fair, she would have gotten a terrible score anyway, if she’s really that dumb. FML
Today, I showed my grandma my new haircut. She squinted for a moment and said, “Oh honey, it’ll grow back.” I said, “So you don’t like it?” She shrugged and said, “I’m just glad you’re confident enough to leave the house like that.” FML
Today, I quit football because my dad's death has made it too sad to keep doing it, but my mom is trying to talk me into staying, and trying to talk to the coach to convince me. FML
Today, my kids and husband brought me a bunch of ornamental cabbages for my birthday, rather than flowers. Why? Because, "you're more of a cabbage sort of person." Ah well, guess it's an improvement on last year when they forgot entirely. FML
Today, I came home to find my dog had not only shredded my favorite couch cushion but had also attempted to eat the TV remote. I have no idea how to change the channel manually. It looks like I'll be watching Animal Planet forever. FML
Today, I got a DM from an unknown sender saying “Happy Anniversary.” It was my 11th grade boyfriend and the “Anniversary” was of us losing our virginity to each other. This happened over 20 years ago! I’ve blocked his creepy ass more times than I can count, but he just won’t stay away. FML
Today, due to intense deforestation, my wife Jane and I have to take several transfer vines to get to work. FML
Today, I walked into a restroom at a restaurant, took one step inside, and realized it was the staff-only restroom. The manager was inside, staring at me like I was an alien. I just smiled and awkwardly walked out. FML
Today, I had a massive sneeze while driving. It was so strong that I swerved and accidentally hit the horn, startling the person crossing the street. They dropped their coffee all over themselves and their phone. I ended up giving them cash for a new phone out of guilt. FML
Today, I carried my golf bag from the club house to my car. When I got there, my rear pocket got caught in a zipper on the bag. I couldn't get them separated. I had to take my pants off to fix it. Yes, three couples walked by, pretending not to notice. Had it not happened to me, I would not believe this story. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend he looked like a Greek god. He looked confused and said, "Thanks, I guess? But aren’t they all fat and drunk?" I’m dating a man who thinks Greek gods are just overweight party animals. FML
Today, I'm getting a divorce after only three months because my wife accepted a job transfer that would require us to move across the country. I'm sorry but I do not want to be away from my kids or my family. FML
Today, my ex got a new girlfriend. I genuinely don’t care who he dates, I just know that now I’m in for 3 to 6 months of performative angry phone calls, court summons, and social media slander, all while he plays up sympathy from the new chick. He doesn’t care about our kids and pulls this same stunt repeatedly. FML
Today, I was told that the cute rhyming nickname I gave to my daughter’s best friend is actually the name of an adult performer. I feel gross, even though I truly had no idea. Now the girl asks me why I don’t call her that anymore and I don’t know what to tell her. FML
Today, during an important music audition, I fudged everything up and forgot half the lyrics of the song I was performing, so I just sort of tailed off into embarrassed silence on stage. It was an original song, I wrote the lyrics myself. All the lady could say was, "Good luck next year, dear." FML
Today, I learned that when an Australian guy starts working in your office and says, “Nice thongs”, he isn’t talking about your underwear, he means the bright sunflower sandals on your feet. I may have overreacted at what I thought was blatant sexual harassment, and am now on unpaid suspension. FML
Today, everything is falling apart. I hate my job where I get to pick up the mess of clients who don't think. Insane weather: strong rain all the time, and I have to go outside for work. Also, applying for Master's but no offers yet. I desperately want to switch jobs. I feel so alone in this. Health is fucked up. Skipped periods for 3 months. FML
Today, I discovered my boyfriend's spider-infested shed where I refused to set foot, where he is constantly fixing the mower, bikes, or his car, is actually just a sound recording of power tools he plays so I won’t go down and disturb him. He has a TV, an Xbox, and a fridge in there. FML
Today, I spent a full two minutes doing nothing but sniffing my computer. Don't worry, it was in the living room and my roommate definitely saw me. FML
Today, the highlight of my week has been accidentally triggering the haiku bot on Reddit. Life's been good. FML
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