Today, in a train, I did the old "I've got your nose" trick for a kid. He got off at the next stop, then waved something at me from the platform, then yelled, "I've got your keys!" FML
Today, I'm 23 and have never had a weekend or holiday off of working in my life. My requests are always denied. I've been through three jobs since high school. I understand that some workers have to look after family or kids, but the 19 year-olds, who have way more time than I do, always get it their way. FML
Today, I grabbed my husband’s phone to call my mom. The first thing I see is Google with searches like, “Hot young Latina singles dating” and a PornHub tab that had a “Petite Latina Teen” search. I’m white. When I asked my husband about it, he said his “buddy” hacked his internet, then angrily asked why I went through his phone. FML
Today, and after my divorce finalised, I ended up falling in love with a 28 year-old woman, meaning that she's 16 years younger than I am. I knew I might be judged for it but man, I was not prepared for the levels of abuse I’d receive from my family, and even strangers, who see us holding hands in public and feel the need to make cruel comments. FML
Today, my 15 year-old daughter decided that the best way to indulge her rebellious impulses was to sleep with the 30-something convict down the street, get pregnant, and try to convince him to let her move in. FML
Today, I got stuck in a dress in the fitting room and had to call the sales associate for help. She had to crawl under the door to rescue me. FML
Today, I went to a dealership for a new car. We were halfway through paperwork when the manager informed me I wouldn’t be buying the S Class, but I would be buying a Nissan Micra. Turns out my wife fell asleep in the car, allowing our son to escape and draw smiley faces on the Nissan with a rock. FML
Today, I learned that my 11 year-old daughter wrote a love letter to her teacher. Cute, right? It was an incredibly graphic letter where she asked him to "abduct her and chain her up in his basement." I now must find her a new school and a therapist. FML
Today, I was supposed to meet up with a girl I met on a dating app and had been chatting with. We exchanged the classic, "I'll be here and wearing this." At the location, a girl from a distance, wearing the described outfit, was checking me out. I immediately bailed out. Not only she is 9, she is also a student of mine. FML
Today, I went to a costume party dressed as a pineapple. As it turned out, the theme was "tropical", not "tropical fruit". Everyone else was in Hawaiian shirts while I stood there looking fruity. FML
Today, I heard the guy I love talk to a friend of his. He was telling his friend how he appreciates all my attention, affection, and random gestures such as buying him lunch sometimes, but he’ll never see me in a romantic way because I’m “too fat for his taste.” I was basically used the entire time. FML
Today, I made my trans daughter cry when I asked her to shower. I love her and full-throatily support her incredible courage for coming out as trans in the USA, but her hygiene has gone to hell. She smells like a pile of dirty jockstraps and keeps saying, "Women don't stink!" FML
Today, I found out how my high school dropout parents were able to support three children. Porn. A truly awe inspiring amount of homemade porn. FML
Today, HR informed me that they would not be investigating my formal complaint against my boss. This after four months of relentless bullying, including calling me while I was on vacation to tell me to do work, and eliminating my position when she found out I had gone to HR. FML
Today, I decided to have some bagels. It was only after I ate them that I looked at the cream cheese and discovered that it expired 3 years ago. FML
Today, I found out that my partner doesn't ever want sex from me again. I'm too broke to leave her, so I guess my sex life is over. FML
Today, my therapist died from a heart attack, all while telling me not to stress over anything. FML
Today, after my dad and I had a real heart to heart and even settled some differences last night, this morning he was back to his grumpy asshole self. He even asked what he did last night, because he was on the new painkiller his doctor prescribed, and couldn’t remember a thing. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a beautiful park. It would have been perfect if it wasn't for some fat incel recording it on his phone, yelling about how much of a douche my boyfriend is, and how I'm such a "Stacy". FML
Today, I felt comfortable enough to finally call my stepmom "Mom." She politely asked me not to call her that. FML
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML
Today, the snowplow truck backed into my truck. The window got smashed out, and the door is wrecked. The guy was a scumbag and just left. I didn’t realize he'd hit the truck until hours later. So there’s one inch of snow inside my truck, not to mention that it isn’t driveable. FML
Today, I have been trying to get pregnant for 4 years. I’ve gone through numerous expensive fertility treatments with no success. A former friend of mine owes me almost $2K. I’ve asked for the money back numerous times so that I can use it to pay for another round of IVF. She won’t pay. She just announced that she's pregnant.. FML
Today, my street had a power cut while I was on my PS5. Luckily, they got it back on 4 hours later and my PS5 automatically repaired the damage to my save file. The power went off again 15 minutes later but came back on almost straight away, like a blip, but now my PS5 is dead. It won’t even turn on. FML
Today, my sister attempted to get me to fund her daughter, my godchild's, birthday party. I told her I would give her 200 (which isn't much). Our mom "intervened" by cussing me out for being a cheap ass piece of shit. I was about to give her $200, which is A LOT in our currency when exchanged. FML
Today, I'm being forced to go back to my parents', who kicked me out because they thought I was gay. I'm not. There was a misunderstanding. I don't want to go back to them because they've shown me what kind of people they are, even if I'm straight, but the police and Social Services are making me. FML
Today, I heard back from my dream job! I was declined by the computer system because I didn't include whether I was full-time or part-time. I work in a different department at the same place, and as part of the required documents I had included my pay records showing that I am a full-time employee of 12 years. FML
Today, I wanted revenge on my college's drinks machine. For the past two days, it forgot to release a cup before pouring my coffee. This time, I had planned ahead; I put my money in, entered the code, and quickly inserted my own cup. It gave me hot water. FML
Today, it’s been about two and a half months since I entered into a severe, borderline suicidal depressive episode. My psychiatrist prescribed a new antidepressant to go with my mood stabilizer, but it will take up to a month to kick in. Looks like it’s gonna be a blue Christmas. FML
Today, my new neighbours' favourite sexual position is apparently for him to screw her up against the wall while she talks dirty. How do I know this? That wall backs right onto the headboard of my bed, and in this rented space my bedroom is too small for the bed to go anywhere else. I know, I've tried. FML
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