Today, I dyed my hair blue because I’m cosplaying as Jinx from Arcane. My parents made me practically homeless because they associate hair dye with "wokeness" and they’re not having that shit in their house. I'm now staying with my sister. FML
Today, a manager was credited for coming up with a safety idea. This is the same idea I brought up weeks prior and was told it was silly by said manager. FML
Today, I was screamed at and called a "gross bitch" in front of my entire school for wearing deodorant when it’s less than 50 degrees outside. As if I could help the fact that I need deodorant year round… FML
Today, the guy who left me for another woman before Christmas, and who ghosted me after dating for a few months, starts working at the same place as I am next week. I've been working there for over a decade. FML
Today, it's my birthday and I received a signed vintage Beatles' album from my wife. Awesome right? It's the same album some jerk way over-bidded me for on eBay. That jerk was my wife, using my credit card. FML
Today, my so-called son told me that I'm never going to see my grandchildren again because I caught him cheating on his wife (in MY home and in MY bed!) and ratted him out to her so now they're getting a divorce. FML
Today, I'm preparing to go through my second divorce, all because I don't want kids. Both of them agreed to no kids when we were dating, then changed their minds. FML
Today, I was attending a spa weekend that my husband got me, while he watches the kids. He'd swore he’d only call me in emergencies. So far he’s called me 18 times with questions on basic parenting like, "Where are the nappies?" and, "Can babies eat yoghurt?" Emergencies, sure. FML
Today, I’m in India. As a good foreigner, I want to adapt myself and to do everything like the locals. I tried to get off the bus while it was still rolling. I lost a pair of jeans, a knee and my dignity. FML
Today, I was babysitting with my best friend, watching my one-year-old cousin. We thought it would be funny to say a bunch of swear words in front of him, since he didn't know how to talk. Five minutes later, guess what his first word was? And guess who won't be invited over for a while? FML
Today, I invited a guy I'd met online once to a concert of an artist we both like. His response was, “Well, it depends. Do you weigh less than when I first met you?” FML
Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to break up with me again, and actually offered me gas money so that I would leave. FML
Today, my crush, who has turned me down in the past, actually gave me the “Why can’t I find a decent guy like you?” speech. That’s it, I’m officially THAT guy, I’m just that pathetic. I’d happily never see her again after this, except we live on the same street and work in the same building. FML
Today, my friend, on whom I have a crush since I can remember, read the most beautiful poem to me, which he'd written himself. After reading it, he said that it was for a girl he likes, and asked me if it was good. FML
Today, while taking a test in my online class, my sister unexpectedly showed up. She panicked when she realized what I was doing, as the class has a strict rule of being 100% alone during tests. I assured her that because she wasn't helping me to cheat, it would be fine. Turns out it wasn't fine, as I got a zero. FML
Today, the girl I’ve been trying to date not only agreed to a date, she invited me back to her place because the date went so well. We were kissing so hard, I struggled to breathe, I coughed, gagged, then vomited my seafood dinner all over her yellow sofa. It all went downhill from there. FML
Today, my mom came home, shitfaced drunk. She thought I was my dad and gave me a forceful kiss, with a lot of tongue. She then pulled away, stared at me, screamed in horror, and spewed all over me. I puked too. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend saying, "I shall be the prince, and you shall be the princess," to his hamster. Once he saw me, he quickly turned to the hamster and said, "I have to go. The dragon is here." FML
Today, I gave my hubby a hand massage as he's beginning to deal with carpal tunnel issues. He then proceeded to tell me, and I quote, "This is the consequences of not properly stretching as a young guy. I did stretch pussy though." FML
Today, I watched on camera as my son tried to light a bonfire and set fire to my shed. Props to him, he ran to get my mini fire extinguisher from the car, but he pulled the pin then THREW THE EXTINGUISHER INTO THE FIRE. The dumb SOB thought mini extinguishers worked like grenades. FML
Today, I was asked where I wanted to eat for Father’s Day. Every year I say someplace with crab legs. So we ate Italian. Fifth year in a row. I paid for everyone. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. FML
Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML
Today, my dad sent me back and forth repeatedly to the auto parts store for a replacement headlight bulb. He kept insisting that what I brought back was the wrong bulb. I had to drag him there to show I was getting the right one by asking the clerk. He's wrong, but is mad at me for embarrassing him in front of the staff. FML
Today, I'm so sexually frustrated that I started to fantasize about men other than my husband. The problem is I'm my recently disabled husband's carer, and the man I'm fantasizing about is the one who his ex-wife cheated on him with. FML
Today, I found out the heartbreaking truth of why my husband won’t have sex with me. He cheated, got an STD, and is now waiting for it to clear up before he touches me again. When I confronted him, he flipped out and wrecked the house because I invaded his privacy by going into his phone. FML
Today, while driving to work, some asshole stopped sharply on the 60 mph highway because he almost hit the car in front of him. Even with maintaining my distance, and slamming on the brakes, I still ruined the front end of my car on his dented bumper. I haven't even had the car for a year, and I'm still the one at fault. FML
Today, we have elevators at my work, but you need to go to HR to get a key. I was denied one after I almost died in a car accident because I didn’t look “hurt enough.” FML
Today, I was at the gynecologist and he was performing a routine check-up. He was a new doctor and I was just slightly uncomfortable with him. About mid-check-up, as he felt around my uterus, he said in a cartoonish voice, "Oh, it's so squishy up here." The doctor turned me into a sock puppet. FML
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