Today, nothing changed. Today was the same, and I feel like I'm in a dark comedy version of the movie Groundhog Day meets The Truman Show. I hate dark comedies. I want my life to be canceled… I mean, this movie to be canceled. FML
Today, I caught my husband talking to a girl on Instagram. He denied there being more than just “friendship” and gave me an ultimatum: to stop “policing” him or he throws me and our newborn out into the streets. He knows that I have no family or nowhere else to go. FML
Today, it's 1 a.m. and once again a freaking bird has flew into my house from the attic. My cats are of course all crazy right now as it sits in my room, in a high corner beyond reach. My children are sleeping and I have no way to let it outside from where it is right now. Oh and it's freezing outside. FML
Today, I was turned down for a promotion because of complaints on my file. I’d never heard of them, so I demanded to see them. Every complaint was filed in the last six months and signed by either him or the other manager who doesn’t like me. Guess who got promoted instead? His “secret” side chick. FML
Today, at the ungodly hour of 11 PM, my dad called to tell me he was driving my mom to the hospital because she was having breathing problems. It turned out to be nothing serious, but my brain decided to freak out anyway, effectively making me unable to fall asleep. Now, I have to go to work like this. FML
Today, my homophobic ex-wife was awarded full custody of our gay son, who she tried to disown. She has every intention of putting him in "conversion therapy" and there's nothing I can do about it. FML
Today, I realised that I have been a teacher for far too long when I told a random stranger I saw at the mall to tie up their shoelaces. FML
Today, after a year or more of suffering with wisdom tooth pain, I finally had all 4 removed a few days ago. Relief? No. I’m in more pain now than I’ve ever been, and I can’t even eat for comfort. FML
Today, my wife is mad because she forgot our anniversary. Not me, her. She thought it was today and got mad at me for having nothing planned. It’s tomorrow, and I do have stuff planned for us. So she’s mad at me because she got it wrong and felt like an idiot, which is somehow my fault. FML
Today, I got home from a hard day and sent a project due tomorrow from my laptop. While I was in the bathroom, my parents took my laptop, which is all paid by me for no reason. I tried telling them multiple times that I have 3 projects due this week, but they said that's not a reason to stay on my laptop. FML
Today, I found out that my creepy-ass stalker ex-boyfriend has been telling everyone that my two year-old daughter is his. Not only have we been broken up for more than 8 years. I haven’t spoken to him since, and I have no idea why he’s doing this. FML
Today, I had to explain to my family why using a registered sex offender as a babysitter is a bad idea. They didn't understand and now my grandmother can't see her grandkids, and my dad is facing a lengthy prison sentence. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years donated his promise ring at the temple for it to be used to construct the idol's feet. The problem is that I made that ring for him from scratch and he didn’t even have it for 2 months. He was excited when he told me, and doesn’t understand why I’m upset. FML
Today, I had to have two stents removed from having kidney stones, so I was strapped down to a table. The doctors were guys. I said, "I’ve had this dream before, but you two weren’t in it." I didn’t realize the female nurse was still there. It took them quite a while to stop laughing before they started.. FML
Today, I was working on a painting and went to take a sip of my tea. Instead, I took a swig of paint water. FML
Today, my mum's response to my psycho sister being angry and threatening my partner, was that I should make her angry at me since she needs someone to hate, and I'm the default, so I handle it better anyway. This was after I asked her to get my sister professional help, and she denied the need. FML
Today, my roommate informed me that I need to move out, due to me having sex with his boyfriend. Even though he gave us permission, and told us to use protection. FML
Today, my brother was going to get some drinks for a party we were going to. After getting the drinks, he ended up leaving me at home while he went and got drunk like never before. FML
Today, my dog is much too fond of barking at me loudly and at length for no reason. So is my girlfriend. FML
Today, I found out that my husband proposed to his girlfriend, and that her mom had posted it on Facebook. FML
Today, my dog celebrated my coming home by slapping me in the junk repeatedly with his tail. FML
Today, I was giving a presentation at work but accidentally spilled water all over my laptop. I tried to dry it off, but it wouldn't turn on. I had to give the presentation awkwardly using my phone and everyone took the piss out of me and my shoddy performance. FML
Today, I was joking to mom that at the rate I’m going I’ll have to start an OnlyFans to afford college next year. She shrugged like it was nothing because apparently prostitution got her through college and bought her her first house before she accidentally got pregnant with me. Um, WHAT? FML
Today, I went to a party that had a "dress like rock stars" theme. I got all the gear necessary to dress as Ozzy Osbourne. A wig, round sunglasses, a crucifix on beads, the usual stuff. Not one person at the party knew who Ozzy Osbourne was. Nor Black Sabbath for that matter. Someone thought I was Meatloaf. FML
Today, my dad tried to blame me for ringing an out of network number for two hours, which charged his bill by the minute. I rang the number, which turned out to belong to one of his business pals who lives abroad. He punished me anyway for having an attitude when I proved the call was his fault. FML
Today I got back to work after the holiday break to find out all my hard work on background illustrations for the company are progressively being replaced by piss-poor AI monstrosities. This sucks donkey dick. FML
Today, I came home to find that maggots had taken over my garbage can this weekend. We weren't home to catch it, and I didn't use the garbage this morning. On top of that, I hadn't had my caffeine for the day because I ran out and forgot. FML
Today, we had two of our longest serving coworkers retire at the company I work at, and they hired two young prospects to replace them. The problem? They asked me to train them both for the next 4 months, cancelling my PTO in the process, and then I learned they were being paid nearly 20% more than I am. FML
Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML
Today, my husband warned me we had a yellowjacket swarm move into our basement. He wasn't kidding. I'm phobic after I was swarmed as a kid, I'm watching our bug zapper literally smoke with how many it's killing, and my can of wasp spray seems woefully insufficient. They can have the house! FML
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